The Rocking Hijab™

Something...

2012-03-04T12:18:00.000+08:00

Salam alaik warahmatullah wabarakatuh.

I don't think this really matters but it just came to my mind recently that perhaps you might question my act of posting to the Dakwat.org instead of terus je post kat sini. (Ok rojak tak boleh blah)

Ok, maybe cam pelik la jugak kan kenapa nak tunggu publish dekat dakwat instead of terus je post kat sini. The reason is because saya rasa saya punya posts, yg entri-entri lama, memang ada jugak cakap sikit-sikit apa yang jadi tapi kebanyakan post saya dah delete sebab macam banyak yang ditulis ketika tengah emo. So out of conscience towards the Hereafter, dan by Allah, saya tak nak bila dah mati nanti penulisan saya yang entah pape tu dipersoalkan. So that's why saya fikir, apa kata saya tulis balik, tapi in more details la, kiranya kalau info2 peribadi memang akan dirahsiakan sebab takut menyinggung mana-mana pihak tapi selebihnya, saya akan jujur dengan diri sendiri dan tulis semua yang dah jadi sejak saya masuk Islam.

Lagipun, bila tulis dekat Dakwat, perhaps lagi ramai boleh tau dan ambik iktibar dari apa yang saya tulis sebab kalau dekat blog ni, tak ramai mana pun followersnya. Huhu. OK BM bersepah, abaikan.

So, kalau post part by part, saya boleh simpan links tu dekat sini supaya lagi mudah nak cari. Entahla, rasa macam invalid je alasan saya ni tapi whatever, I hope you get my point.

Like I said, benda kecik je ni tapi entah, rasa nak cakap jugak. So, that's all. Later.

Salam alaik and may Allah's guidance be with you always.

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

ALLAH SWT didn’t promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, or sun without rain...

but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

If ALLAH brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Midnight reads

2012-03-04T00:30:00.001+08:00

FATHER FORGETS

W. Livingston Larned

condensed as in "Readers Digest"

Listen, son: I am saying this as you lie asleep, one little paw crumpled under your cheek

and the blond curls stickily wet on your damp forehead. I have stolen into your room

alone. Just a few minutes ago, as I sat reading my paper in the library, a stifling wave of

remorse swept over me. Guiltily I came to your bedside.

There are the things I was thinking, son: I had been cross to you. I scolded you as you

were dressing for school because you gave your face merely a dab with a towel. I took

you to task for not cleaning your shoes. I called out angrily when you threw some of your

things on the floor.

At breakfast I found fault, too. You spilled things. You gulped down your food. You put

your elbows on the table. You spread butter too thick on your bread. And as you started

off to play and I made for my train, you turned and waved a hand and called, "Goodbye,

Daddy!" and I frowned, and said in reply, "Hold your shoulders back!"

Then it began all over again in the late afternoon. As I came up the road I spied you,

down on your knees, playing marbles. There were holes in your stockings. I humiliated

you before your boyfriends by marching you ahead of me to the house. Stockings were

expensive-and if you had to buy them you would be more careful! Imagine that, son, from

a father!

Do you remember, later, when I was reading in the library, how you came in timidly, with

a sort of hurt look in your eyes? When I glanced up over my paper, impatient at the

interruption, you hesitated at the door. "What is it you want?" I snapped.

You said nothing, but ran across in one tempestuous plunge, and threw your arms

around my neck and kissed me, and your small arms tightened with an affection that God

had set blooming in your heart and which even neglect could not wither. And then you

were gone, pattering up the stairs.

Well, son, it was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped from my hands and a terrible

sickening fear came over me. What has habit been doing to me? The habit of finding

fault, of reprimanding-this was my reward to you for being a boy. It was not that I did not

love you; it was that I expected too much of youth. I was measuring you by the yardstick

of my own years.

And there was so much that was good and fine and true in your character. The little heart

of you was as big as the dawn itself over the wide hills. This was shown by your

spontaneous impulse to rush in and kiss me good night. Nothing else matters tonight,

son. I have come to your bedside in the darkness, and I have knelt there, ashamed!

It is feeble atonement; I know you would not understand these things if I told them to you

during your waking hours. But tomorrow I will be a real daddy! I will chum with you, and

suffer when you suffer, and laugh when you laugh. I will bite my tongue when impatient

words come. I will keep saying as if it were a ritual: "He is nothing but a boy-a little boy!"

I am afraid I have visualised you as a man. Yet as I see you now, son, crumpled and

weary in your cot, I see that you are still a baby. Yesterday you were in your mother's

arms, your head on her shoulder. I have asked too much, too much, yet given too little of

myself. Promise me, as I teach you to have the manners of a man, that you will remind

me how to have the loving spirit of a child.

***

I wish I could have you read this Daddy, only then, perhaps you might understand...

About Siapa Tuhan saya- The Sequel

2012-03-03T18:55:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah, the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

Alhamdulillah, as promised I managed to finish the first part of the sequel to the Siapa Tuhan saya? series for Dakwat. InshaAllah it will be published soon so, feel free to wait for it. :) When it's published, as usual I will post up the link in this blog and at my Facebook page.

Jazakallahu khair for reading.

Salam alaik and may you will always be in His guidance.

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

ALLAH SWT didn’t promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, or sun without rain...

but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

If ALLAH brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Problem?

2012-03-03T00:26:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

I admit I am not a serious person. In real life, I joke a lot, I laugh a lot and I always make a bad situation look much better than it was until people might think that it was even ridiculous to even feel sad/angry about it.

So since my personality is originally like that, perhaps I might not be as 'muslimah'/prissy/goody goody/whatever when I write as well, because that just ain't me. I mean, I was a former non-Muslim, brought up in a non-Muslim family, what do you expect?

To expect me to be like those muslimahs yang memang lahir2 keluarga Muslim yang dalam tarbiyyah, that's quite unfair don't you think?

I'll write how I want, because that's how I am and as long as I don't break any rules, in this case, Allah's rules, I'll deliver my message my way, and if you have a problem with that, I'm sorry, I won't change how I am just because you want me to. You wouldn't want people to not accept you as you are and yet you are doing this to someone else. The irony.

I'm not really good at delivering my speech in Malay because well, I'm more used to English than Malay except when I have to speak, so of course I will speak in Malay, depending on who the audience is, and even that, I will sometimes mix a lil' bit of English in my speech.

I'm not mad(well, a bit). It's just that I'm tired of trying to fulfill everyone's expectation and I sometimes even gave myself a hard time trying to adjust to everyone's needs just because I actually cared so much about how people think of me. But I don't think that is how it should be.

I don't expect everyone to like me because well, I don't even like everybody.

So, I'm gonna stop trying to shape myself into other people's molding.

I'll just fulfill Allah's expectation alone. That's it.

After all, in the end, it's not gonna be between me and them. It's just gonna be between me and Allah anyway.

So, I'll pretend to be deaf and blind to all unnecessary comments on my writing. Unless it's a valid argument, then I'll accept it as a way to improve myself.

It's not easy opening up, especially about your personal life, and sometimes, humor is needed to tone down the sadness that I felt, and for that effort, I was declined, so imagine how I must have felt. It's never easy to open up about things that hurt you. It never is.

Sorry if I may sound a bit rough, because I was brought up that way, and to change all that jahilliyah in me in just 3 years time? Kinda hard. Even to get to where I am today, requires a lot of effort and a lot of tears along the way. Again, it's not easy but of course, who would even thought of trying to feel how it's like to be in my shoes? They wouldn't even want to think about it, and they wouldn't even dream to face what I have faced, because that's just how it is. People avoid pain.

So sue me if I'm a lil' bit perky and crazy at times, but that's just how I roll, in order to make my reality more bearable for me, because at times, it even feels hard to get out of bed and live.

Alhamdulillah that I was given the strength to keep on going despite all the things happening in my life, and alhamdulillah that Allah lends me a bit of His strength to keep on writing.

It's only fair that I asked for only a lil' bit of understanding, don't you think?

Salam alaik and may Allah's guidance be with you always.

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Overcoming the over of everything

2012-03-01T16:15:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

Back then when I was not yet a Muslim, I have this major problem with my financial management. I have two problems pertaining this; OVERSPENDING & OVERBORROWING(money).

I remembered I was always in a loan and I know, bad habit but then I just couldn't help myself.

I.need.to.spend.

So when my money's out, I'll start borrowing and when I come to think of it, it was amazing that I was cured from that. Like, can you imagine Becky Bloomwood/Brandon suddenly stopped maxing out her credit cards? Yeah, like that.

I used to love reading the Sophie Kinsella's shopaholic series because I can totally relate with Becky. I'm almost her, except for the fact that I don't own a credit card and my name is Sandy, but that's not the point.

Anyway, my mum noticed this so when she was entitled to have a supplementary credit card, she wouldn't give it to me even how much I wanted her to. That's because she told me she is trying to prevent a future heart attack. Ha-ha. =_=* That's not even funny.

My overspending is so severe it was almost a joke but alhamdulillah, again, I thank Allah for His guidance. Since I embraced Islam, I overcomed my money borrowing issue but during the early days, my overspending is still doing me a problem.

If you wanna have a better picture of how bad my money management was back then, let's just say, I can spend RM2K in just (pause for effect) 2 MONTHS! I remembered crying while confessing to my dad about that. He was so shocked. Haih, gila betul masa sebelum masuk Islam dulu. I was a mess.

Anywho, by time, I learned to question myself whether I would need the thing that I'm eying for whenever I went to the mall.

And, alhamdulillah, I am proud to say I am finally free from the addiction of shopping. :) Hurrah~ eh, alhamdulillah.

I know this is a very common problem(takdela teruk to my extent, just generally), especially in girls, because when it comes to impulsive shopping, we are so good at it, it was almost natural. I think you must have experienced situations when you see what you like and you immediately bought them without second thought, and when you came home from your shopping, you start to question, "Oh, why did I buy thissss???"

I know how painful that must have felt. A pain in the wallet, that is.

Anyway, it is hard at first, I have to admit. I even ended up having nightmares when I can't buy the thing that I want. That bad.

Alhamdulillah that I'm okay now. Like really, thank God. Phew.

Before, when I see a sale, I would be like,

But now, when I see something I like, but then I see the price,

I'm getting more and more graphic. :| Tumblr punya pasal.

***

So, the secret to curing yourself from this addiction?

1. Buy only what you need. I mean like, REALLY really need. Don't make invalid excuses like, "Oh, someday imma gonna need this. Positive." or "I am contributing to this country's economy." Like, seriously? =_="

2. Always think of the effect of your impulsive buying to your closet space.

3. Try to reflect on how much you spent in His cause(be it buying Islamic books/donating to the poor) to the amount that you spent on your shopping.

Oh, and yes, you can reward yourself at times, but don't be too frequent. :)

InshaAllah, there is nothing that cannot be cured except by His will.

If you have a bad habit, just make a new one, but a better one. :)

And last but not least, if you wanna cure yourself of addiction, any addiction, make sure you do it like a boss. #forever9gagers

Understood.

Salam alaik, and peace owt.

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Cheering myself up

2012-02-29T20:43:00.002+08:00

Salam alaik.

I was kinda bored and so I went bloghopping and found this from this. It looks kinda fun so I decided to give it a whirl. And here goes nothing.

***

note: User = Me (^^)v

User: I'm asking, what is cleverbot?

Cleverbot: You are a robot.

User: No I'm not.

Cleverbot: Yes you are.

User: No. I'm breathing. And yeah, I'm not.

Cleverbot: So you are 22?

User: How did u know?

Cleverbot: Because you are interested in asian boys.

User: Uh, cause I'm asian? And what does that have to do with my age?

Cleverbot: It means that you don't want to answer the question.

User: Hello, I'm answering perfectly well, thank you.

Cleverbot: Yes, I know you are answering my questions, however, you aren't giving the correct answers that I'm looking for.

User: What sort of answer do you want?

Cleverbot: An interesting one!

User: Am I not interesting enough?

Cleverbot: You are so interesting that my heart stirs within me with your every word.

User: So, you have a heart?

***

I need a life. #foreveralone

Ciao.

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Still a coal

2012-02-29T17:33:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

Done with the final dental exam, me and a coupla friends decided to go foodhunting and also I dragged them to the optometrist with me cause I need a new pair of ~~shades~~ ~~spectacles~~ glasses.

Anyway, while we were eating, suddenly 'that' topic was brought up. 'That' topic was about my home. Um, a house that used to be my home that is. I rarely talked about it, well, because by acting indifferent about it, it is much easier to bear the pain.

As they asked me again, about my dad, I just shrugged and said that 'I don't know'. Acting very nonchalant while feeding myself to a spoonful of the prawn olio, I feel that I was actually trying to swallow my pain so that I can stop myself from tearing up in front of them.

It is hard, even after so many time had passed since then.

Ah, this is beginning to sound like a sad entry, but of course, how can I not be when thinking about it? Heh.

Anyway, I sometimes think that perhaps the reason it is sometimes painful for me to face my reality was because that not everyone have that kind of situation in their life. Perhaps, that is why it is so hard for me to open up to the people around me when it comes to this matter, that is the matter of what happened after I reverted to Islam. It is indeed a rough journey, but even a lot of pressure is needed before a coal can turn into a beautiful diamond. :) InshaAllah, maybe one day I will be. A diamond. That is.

Great. Now I'm tearing up.

I think emo sebab exam kot. Or maybe sebab lapar. Kot. Entah.

Ciao for now.

Salam alaik and peace owt.

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Freaking owt

2012-02-29T07:25:00.005+08:00

Huwaaaaaa taknak exammmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It would be best if:

It would be at least ok if:

But in reality, this is me:

Oh God.

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Rojak buah | Fruit mix

2012-02-28T07:45:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

I have this obsession of changing my fonts/my layout altogether from time to time. For the time being, the layout's okay I think but I think I have to stop changing my fonts now and then.

It was like, "Hmm. This font is too boring." Change. A few hours later, "Hmm. This font is too swirly." And then, "I think I should use font size 14." "Oh now it's too big."

Repeat the above steps as much as you like.

But then, when I come to think of it, who cares whatever font size/type you use?

Oh wait, I do.

***

I noticed a lot of things these days (for an annoyingly ignorant person like me, this is quite impressive I must say) and one of them is that, a lot of the local celebrities have started wearing the hijab. Alhamdulillah. But then, I would like to comment(ok, more to membebel actually) on the way people react to their sudden change of 'image'.

I think, for me, it's okay if they started out by wearing the hijab Hana Tajima style etc. I know it is compulsory to cover up properly but then, baby steps are baby steps. You can't force a baby to start walking when they don't even have the strength to stand up yet.

Even back when I started wearing the hijab(that is, right after I embraced Islam), one ustaz advised me not to be so rash in becoming a good Muslim(yes, that's what he said). It is compulsory to cover up properly, and yes, true, I did cover up properly(I think), wearing the bidang 50 size and also all those handsocks etc, but the main thing is to strengthen my aqidah first. My senior even told me that it is not compulsory yet for me to cover up properly if I'm not ready to do so. Slowly. Orang Kelantan kata, koho-koho. This is because if I started out directly wearing tudung besar (large tudung sounds weird), if it so happens that I waver along the way, I couldn't wear a much smaller size hijab because that would be weird, kind of like, wearing the hijab on and off. Simply said, nanti takut tak istiqamah.

But of course, my case is a different matter because all I have ever wanted since high school is wear the hijab and be a good Muslimah(inshaAllah), so when I become a Muslim, I seized that chance to start over in a drastic(and rather extreme you might say, because I'm just an extreme in personality. True story.). But I also have my step-by-step process.

I remembered the one thing that I wasn't able to shake off back then was my jeans. I just couldn't live without 'em and alhamdulillah, when I enrolled for my degree course here, I started wearing the jilbab and ditched my jeans once and for all. Alhamdulillah.

Oh. And I camwhore too.

For me, if your inner core is strengthened, inshaAllah, it will be reflected on the outside, sooner or later. But of course, just don't wait too long for it. It's okay to take your time to adapt to the change, but once you feel alright with your change, you need to improve until you finally fulfilled the right way of covering up as commanded by our Lord. InshaAllah, Allah will ease your struggles. After all, nak buat benda baik, inshaAllah, Allah tolong. And also, I believe it's not a case of dah sampai seru ke belum. It's whether you want it or not, because if you want it, surely, you will try to do it by all means. Like the saying, di mana ada kemahuan di situ ada highway. Ok, dah start merepek.

Source

My point is, bila ada orang nak berubah, dari free hair ke pakai tudung, tak kisah la dia nak pakai yang jenis Hana Tajima ke, Yuna ke, sebab sometimes, background pun mempengaruhi jugak. Celebs for example, their background is like, so challenging I think. Dengan shooting tak kira masa solat, dengan peers yang duk pegi clubbing, memang payah nak berubah so even the slightest effort tu pun, kalau nak dikecam, kesian la. Supposedly bagi support. Tak kisahla #retis(baca: artis) ke tak ke, even kawan-kawan sendiri pun, support man, support! Susah nau ke?

Again, I'm not saying it's okay to wear the hijab improperly, don't get me wrong here. I'm just saying, mula-mula, takpe. Tapiiiii jangan lama-lama berada dalam tahap tu. Okay? :D Sebab tutup aurat tu wajib dan takda alasan untuk tak tutup aurat, so harusla mengikut cara menutup aurat yang sebenar. Sekian terima kasih.

I'm getting redundant. :| *straightface*

.........

So anyway, I will be having my dental final exam tomorrow so yeah, I should be studying but nooooo I am here writing this stuff instead.

So I'm just gonna go, you know, study.

Study. Study. Study.

Babai for now.

Salam alaik and peace owt.

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Hey yo

2012-02-26T07:18:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

Oh, first and foremost, I've been noticing that a lot of traffic is coming in from one source since yesterday, and they came from Dakwat.Org.

So, to the new visitors,

welcome~

*krikk krikk krikk*(cricket chirping?)

Anyway, it has been a pleasure to write for Dakwat, though temporarily, and actually the story have 6 parts and I have submitted all the parts to the admin. Explaining this because there are a few that have approached me personally wondering about the next part. And in case you haven't noticed, the part 2 was already up, so you can go check it by clicking on the link. :)

Oh btw, yg gambar utk part 1, admin yg letak. Malu lak rasa bila gambar masa kecik tu kena exposed. Huhu. Tapi x kisah sgt pun. Ok, saya memang mengada. Haih.

All in all,(what you say when you don't have an ending)

thanks for reading and indeed this event have inspired me to keep on writing, inshaAllah, to inspire people to be better Muslims and appreciate Islam more than ever.

So, ciao for now.

Salam alaik and peace out.

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Alas, it comes to this.

2012-02-25T17:45:00.004+08:00

It seems macam susah je nak tutup terus blog ni.

Selalu macam ni.

Bajet je nak tutup terus blog(writer's block) then bila baca komen yang macam sedih-sedih sikit terus tak jadi pulak. Isk.

So abaikan my previous post and anggap that post tak pernah wujud pun.

.............

OK, nak gi menyorok bawah meja kejap sebab malu.

Till then. Salam alaik and peace out.

Yang malu,

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

The End.

2012-02-25T09:07:00.004+08:00

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

Since the past few months, I have been writing less and less on this blog. I guess I just felt that, I have nothing else to write about. I guess this blog has reached it's maximum purpose you might say but oh well, I don't know.

Like I've mentioned in my previous post, I have been in the same position ever since as long as I could remember. It was like riding on a ship with a broken rudder, and I have been floating for ages now, not knowing what I should do and I couldn't sail any further.

So if my life is a book, you can say that I've actually decided how it will end, and I've decided that it will end here, and now.

Because you see, I won't talk about my daily life in this blog, because I think that the only purpose of The Rocking Hijab is for me to tell my story(only the ones I deemed beneficial) and now that the story has reached a plateau, where I don't seem to be making any progress and well, waiting is just too tiring. It's like waiting for the sequel of the novel that you currently had, only that, the sequel never came.

This is why I have been writing less and less, and so I have decided to put an end to this decline.

So, I have decided that I am going to stop writing. At least, here.

But I'm going to keep this blog alive of course.

Anyway, I did write somewhere else, about my journey to Islam, in more specific detail I guess, because I was writing part by part. You can check it out here at http://dakwat.org/?p=792

InshaAllah, I am really convinced with my decision, and should I ever decide to write again(well, people change), I'm just gonna erect another blog.

Anyway, that's all.

Salam alaik and peace out.

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

THE END.

UPdate?

2012-02-17T10:36:00.002+08:00

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

Alhamdulillah I'm just done sitting for my exams and now that's all done, I'm gonna go and sort out my life before it gets more and more complicated. No, it's more to, like adhering to promises I made to myself of what I'm gonna do once the exam is over, like sorting my desktop and files and hard disk once and for all, without delay. During the exam week I didn't even notice that books were piling up on my desks and I was literally studying in between the stacks of books which I piled up nicely(almost) like a tower of Legos. Once the exam ended, I saw my desk and I was like, "How in the world did I manage to study in this chaos?" So now the desk is cleared, my mind felt eased and, why am I talking about this in the first place? =_="

If you have been wondering how my life has been, well, you're not missing out on much. My current state is almost the same,

my dad's still not talking to me so,
i have stopped trying to talk to him
my mum's still the same, ok usual
i still haven't been able to go back home (and even if i could, i wouldn't want to. not yet)

And fyi, I have been in this state for as long as I can remember. That is since Raya 2010. :) Pretty boring huh? At first I might have been all spirited to get things to move on but right now, I have to say, I am pretending everything is alright and that I don't care about it. Yeah, pretty dumb to be ignorant about things like this. Heck, I don't even remember how it felt to be at home anymore. :)

Now, now, if you feel like pitying me or anything, I'm alright. I don't need anyone's pity to get by. I have managed to survive alone this long and inshaAllah I will keep on going.

At times I may crumble and cry but inshaAllah, I've gotten used to that by now. I hardly cried whenever it comes to this topic but yeah, I can't deny that I do feel that pain coming back to me.

For now, all I want to think about is how to pass all my exams.

I want to forget everything else and accept the fact that I am alone, at least by now. I guess that's how I deal with pain. I pretend to not care so that I won't think about it and so that I won't remember about it because the thought of it hurts. A lot.

So I'll just keep on smiling. No matter how it hurts.

Ciao for now.

Salam alaik and peace out.

ps: Life's too short. Why waste it with grief? :)

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

The Muslim Dream

2012-02-10T09:16:00.004+08:00

Source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/nicopierce/5492971031/lightbox/

Alhamdulillah ‘ala kulli hal.

This came up while I was doing my laundry earlier today. Before I started studying for my degree, I have always dreamed of how I want the future to be. I wanted to work as a dentist for the military so that I can join missions to other countries. This dream was triggered by the tsunami that happened back then in Acheh and that was when I was 14 I guess. But of course I never thought I would have taken dentistry as a field of choice, well, more like my second choice to medicine but then again, it is Allah’s first choice for me so yeah, even thinking about my journey to this stage, I have to say, it was really obvious that Allah wants me to be a dentist, or at least, study to be a dentist. Heh. What I knew back then was, man I wanna help those people. I wanna do good deeds and join the Mercy Malaysia or something. Yeah, that was the original idea. As I aged, the dream evolved and now it has become more specific.

Apart from that, I also have made it my dream/wish to have my future children homeschooled. I wonder if I could do that if I stayed here in Malaysia since homeschooling is not really that popular, or is there anyone who did that in the first place? I don’t know but I have this idea that children should be close to home and the best time to do that would be before they start college. I also think that perhaps if I homeschooled them, they would be themselves and not be something their teachers want them to be. What the schooling institution did was, so far, from my views, is standardize a bunch of kids grouped in a class. It’s no wonder that kids nowadays have troubles finding their own identity and if they’re not the ‘socialite’ group in their school or batch, they would be trodden on and bullied or worse, neglected. This was what I thought of back when I was 18 I think. Yeah, I dream a lot and I guess the reason why I am writing about it is perhaps to declare those dreams out loud because I want them to become a reality. I have been concealing my dreams, afraid people might say that I am overdoing it, the dreaming but yeah, only since a few months ago have I realised that it was not, no, scratch that, never a sin to dream big.

The truth is, even now, I have never thought about going into private practice. Despite the money that dentists can make, which is lots of them, (note: Did you know, a dentist can earn up to RM 40k/month just working for two hours a day? And even that doesn’t include weekends. Wowzers~) that didn’t interest me that much compared to the idea of becoming an academician. But of course this really is the opposite of the dream to go for humanitary missions. I guess time will decide which path has been paved for me to walk through.

Anyways, I’m not even married yet but I am always talking about the future kids. Kind of like an obsession. Too much pre-maternal instincts? No, I don’t think that’s the case. More like, oh-dear-God-don’t-let-them-grow-up-to-be-like-me case. I don’t know why, (wait, I do) but I have always thought of myself as a bad person from since I was young. Crying always made me feel dumb because that’s how he made me feel whenever I cried. Crying is a sign of weakness, a sign of defect, and I am that prototype, the one who will never grow up according to his plans. Talking about him always made me feel something is boiling inside me and day by day, the steam collects and when it is time to vent, I keep on exploding into loud bawls which results in making me feel worse than ever, because yeah, like I said, crying makes me feel dumb. Which happens to me a lot these days, especially since a few months ago.

Moving on, I’m still not sure if that’s enough to raise future mujahids/mujahidahs. I guess I need to read more.

Of course, since I become a Muslim, (and still am one, alhamdulillah) I have always teared up at those people able to go to Masjidil Haram with their family etc. I hope I would be given the opportunity to go there. I don’t know but I think it won’t feel right for me if I were to go to other countries before I hit Makkah first. After all, performing the hajj is one of the 5 pillars of Islam, if you’re capable. Surely if you are capable financially to go to other places you should be alright with perfecting the 5 pillars beforehand don’t you think? This only applies to those that have never set foot out of their home countries, of course.

There’s a lot of things that I want I guess. But most of them, when I analyzed it, goes a lot to home-making. Perhaps I am destined to be a full-time home-maker( or more commonly known as, le housewife)? I hope I’m gonna be the coolest ummi alive. That’s the most important thing for me I guess. Titles are not meant forever and you can’t even bring the title with you when you’re 7 feet under.

After all, it has been narrated in the hadith,

Abu Hurayrah rahimahullaah reported that Allaah’s Messenger sallallaahu ‘alayhi wa sallam said: “When a human being dies, all of his deeds are terminated except for three types: an ongoing sadaqah, a knowledge (of Islaam) from which others benefit, and a righteous child who makes du’aa for him.” (Muslim and others).

So I guess, after all, a little planning starting from now won’t hurt, don’t you think?

رَبَّنَا هَبْ لَنَا مِنْ أَزْوَاجِنَا وَذُرِّيَّاتِنَا قُرَّةَ أَعْيُنٍ وَاجْعَلْنَا لِلْمُتَّقِينَ إِمَامًا

“Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous." [Furqan : 74]

Salam alaik and peace out.

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

My love, my inspiration.

2012-01-26T14:37:00.001+08:00

I was watching this one program on TV Al Hijrah yesterday and there's this one syeikh talking about how to increase our love towards none other than the Prophet s.a.w.

Of course, we know that to know one, is to love one. A simile to the Malay saying, "Tak kenal maka tak cinta."

There's this one segment where they interviewed a few people on the names of the offspring of the Prophet s.a.w.

My heart felt crushed when the syeikh asked again, "We say we love him, but what effort did we do to know him?"

My heart felt even more crushed when one of the interviewee answered 'Khadijah' and 'Aisyah'. Even smiled while saying it.

Was it that funny? Was it that lame to know more about him? No, I don't think so.

I am not saying that I know much myself but yeah, why am i not making extra effort to learn more about his life, the way he lived his life, his sons, daughters, wives, birthday, what he liked, what he hated...

I feel so ashamed with myself that I felt like hiding under the couch while I was watching the syeikh pose that question.

I recited the syahadah over and over again, that there is no God but Allah, and Muhammad is His messenger, but I don't even make an effort to open the sirah book and read when I know I don't know so much, and I call myself a Muslim?

Astaghfirullahalazim.

Makes me think about my pledge when I wanted to become a Muslim.

"...to follow the deen, thoroughly..."

Hopefully this year's Maulid will be a much better one than the previous year. Need to do some homework before the date comes. May Allah be pleased with even the teeniest effort we make as the people of the Akhiru Zaman. Ameen.

Allahumma solli 'ala saiyidina Muhammad, wa 'ala 'ali saiyidina Muhammad.

Salam alaik and peace out.

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Part-timer @ full-timer?

2012-01-22T11:59:00.002+08:00

Source: http://fulltimemuslem.blogspot.com/

Despite us proudly announcing to the world that we are a Muslim, the sad truth is what we fail to realize is that we are not able to adhere to the way of life so completely.

We treat the Muslim status as being yet another point in the list of our part time jobs, yet we proudly exclaimed that we are indeed living the deen. Are we really?

But the sad sad truth is, we are only truly a Muslim when we...

-perform the prayer
-eat (because that's when we say the 'bismillah')
-and the list of those 'amal's that we did through out the day

That amounts to approximately a few hours or less in a day, which makes it a lot less than the amount of work hours for a part timer. Even a part timer needs to work for at least 5 hours. So what does that makes us? A part part timer perhaps?

In case you're getting me wrong here, I am not saying at the other times when we're not doing any ibadah we are not being a Muslim. If that's the case then I might have delivered my thoughts not as well as I thought I have.

What I meant is that, I think, only when we are doing something that portrays us as a Muslim, i.e. performing the salah, is the only time when we actually remember Him. But even so, not in all prayers we are able to attain khusyu'. Hmm. Another point for us to reflect on ourselves.

Even me myself, I admit that when I went online, on Facebook especially, sometimes I forgot to guard my 'tongue' from uttering non-beneficial things. And also when I was watching anime on my laptop, I did forget about Him for a while and astaghfirullahalazim, weren't we supposed to be in remembrance of Him at all times?

To only live a part of the deen is equal to actually living as a part time Muslim don't you think? I was reading 1000 sunnah of the Prophet s.a.w. the other day and that made me realize how little did I adhere to following his sunnah and yet, as a Muslim, we are supposed to live the way he had lived his life. And yet we continue to live as if Jannah was already guaranteed for us...hmmm.

But yeah, I guess there's no harm in starting this late. Better late than never, right?

So that means I have to learn how to treat people as Rasulullah s.a.w. had, and how to sleep the way he had, and the list goes on. So, I guess, ganbatte to that?

And oh, before I leave, just a little something that I did for my chinese friends in USM. :)

Not that great but oh well, I am a noob after all. Huhu

ps: I do not celebrate CNY. People keep asking me for 'limau'. =_=" Perhaps because I look 'chinese-y'. I'm a Melanau by the way. We celebrate Pesta Kaul. I might write about it later.(if I remember)

Salam alaik and peace out.

Am still working my way up to become a good Muslim from day to day,

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Strangers

2012-01-19T08:51:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

Have you ever heard of the saying, "Sometimes families are like strangers and sometimes strangers are like families."?

source: http://tipstodays.net/5-ways-to-build-proximity-to-children/

It has only been a year and 3 months plus that I have been away from home, or rather, not able to go back to the house that I used to call home, but already I am feeling as if I no longer exists in my family portrait. Felt like there's all of us in that family photo but my photo was torn away, leaving them to remain in the photograph. I doubt that my little brother might even remember that he actually has a sister.

The moment I try to get close to my siblings, my dad 'pulled' them away from me, afraid that I might 'influence' them.

Daddy...:) I'm still me. I just want to talk to my brothers, as their only eldest sister...is that too much to ask? :) Am I not lonely enough? :)

By each passing day, I feel as if the string to my heart, to my weakness, is constantly being pulled at, and the force gets more intense by the second.

But I won't let this issue affect how I live my life. I will still laugh, cry, smile, crack a joke, make friends, fall in love because I realized families are just one of the 'means' to get to Him. And I know exactly what He is trying to do. He 'attacked' my weakness, i.e. my family, to eliminate all traces of 'false' attachments that I have formed aside of Him. He has created the heart to love only one, and if I choose my family over Him, then there will be no room for Him in my heart. Thus, an act of purification must be made and since I have made Him my goal the day I decided to return to Him as a Muslim, He took it, the things that I loved, one by one. By each blow, I've fallen and weeped on the ground asking Him for forgiveness should I ever complain, and stood back up, each and every time.

I know this, and yet, sometimes I can't help but feel weak and felt totally hopeless of myself. Constantly making it hard for myself by not accepting the fact that human do fall at times, and that human strives from mistakes, for mistakes are what that made them stronger, and better.

For this very reason, I will not make my family an excuse, or a drawback to my advancing in life. I love them, but I love Him more. He is my source of happiness at the time when I have my moments of wanting my mum to be there for me. I am still a needy child at heart, a child that lacks attention, love-deprived. That black sheep of the family has grown, and continuously ostracized by the world, physically and mentally.

I do not love Him for the feelings that He made me feel. I love Him for He showed me that I have a purpose at that time when I feel that life holds no meaning for me, and all my false worships are hopeless and pointless.

And I hope, all these false attachments, whether the family that used to give me a sense of belonging, the friends that made me laugh, or the man that I came to love, or my love for worldly gains, will remain second to Him, forever and always.

This heart may bleed again and again but I will be healed, the moment when my focus is entirely Him, and He alone.

So now I present you, a collection of His love letters and related hadiths, for the aching heart,

"Verily! Only in the Zikr(remembrance) of Allah will your heart find peace." Quran (Surah 13: Verse 29)
"Remember Allah abundantly, in order that you become successful" Quran (Surah 8: Verse 45)
"Believers, do not let either your possessions or your children divert you from the Remembrance of Allah. Those who do that shall be the losers". Quran (Surah 63: Verse 9)
"Whosoever turns away from My remembrance, his life will be made tight and narrow on the Day of Resurrection We shall raise him blind" Quran (Surah 20: Verse 124)
"Those men and women who engage much in Allah's praise, for them Allah has prepared forgiveness and a Great Reward" Quran (Surah 33: Verse 35)
"Whosoever turns away from the Remembrance of Allah, He will hurl him into a stern punishment". Quran (Surah 72: Verse 17)
"When any group of men remember Allah, angels surround them and mercy covers them, tranquility descends upon them, and Allah mentions them to those who are with Him." (Muslim)
"Satan has mastered them and caused them to forget the Remembrance of Allah. Those are satan's party; and satan's party shall assuredly be the losers" Quran (Surah 58: Verse 19)
"They are the most wise who remember Allah, standing sitting and lying down" Quran (Surah 4: Verse 190)
"Those who are admitted into paradise will not remorse over anything of this world, except over the times in which the zikr of Allah was not utilised" (Bukhari)
"Their skins and their hearts soften to the remembrance of Allah" Quran (Surah 39: Verse 23)
"Woe to those whose hearts have hardened against the Remembrance of Allah! Those are in clear error". Quran (Surah 39: Verse 22)
"The remembrance of Allah (swt) is the greatest (deed)" Quran (Surah 29: Verse 45)
"Whosoever blinds himself from the Remembrance of the Merciful, We shall assign for him a evil satan who will be his (ever misleading) companion" Quran (Surah 43: Verse 36)

And finally, the grand finale,

On the authority of Shaddad ibn Aws, may Allah be pleased with him, the Prophet, Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Aalihi Wa Sallam, said,

“The chief of prayers for forgiveness is:

Allahumma anta rabbee la ilaha illa anta, khalaqtanee wa-ana ‘abduka, wa-ana ‘alaa ‘ahdika wawa’dika mas-tata’tu, a’oothu bika min sharri ma sana’tu, aboo-o laka bini’matika ‘alaya, wa-aboo-o bizambee, faghfir lee zunoobi fa-innahu la yaghfiruz-zunooba illa ant.

‘O Allah, You are my Lord, none has the right to be worshiped except You, You created me and I am Your servant and I abide to Your covenant and promise [to honor it] as best I can, I take refuge in You from the evil of which I committed. I acknowledge Your favor upon me and I acknowledge my sin, so forgive me, for verily none can forgive sins except You.’

The Prophet, Sallallahu Alayhi Wa Aalihi Wa Sallam, added, “If somebody recites it during the day with firm faith in it and dies on the same day before the evening, he will be from the people of Paradise and if somebody recites it at night with firm faith in it and dies before the morning he will be from the people of Paradise.”

Aim for Him, and He will suffice you with what you need.

Salam alaik and peace out.

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Purpose

2012-01-16T23:43:00.002+08:00

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

A coupladays ago, Saturday to be exact, my phone got wet and I noticed there was some kind of vapour trapped inside the phone and it was obvious on the display screen of the phone. I thought nothing of it until my keypad stopped working.

At first, all of it were not working so I switched off the phone(even switching off the phone was troublesome because I need to press the 'end call' button so I had to take the battery out in order to switch it off) and a few minutes later, I restarted the phone and still, the keypad wasn't working so I left it by itself for about half an hour. My effort seemed to be working because when I switched on the phone and saw that almost all of the keypad was working once again. But unfortunately the '1' and the '7' button were not functional so it was realllllllllllllllly troublesome when I wanted to reply my text messages. I had to expand my vocabs and tried to think of words that doesn't need 'pqrs' in them.

So I got annoyed and switched off the phone once again and this time I left it for a few hours and hey, the keypad worked again, all of it. But a few minutes later the phone switched off by itself and when I switched it on again the button '1' and '7' stopped working again which made me feel like turning green. Hence, I switched it off for good and let it be.

So, I decided to buy a new phone, but nothing luxurious. After purchasing the phone, I had to charge it for 8 hours as all new phones should.

8 hours later,(said in the Spongebob Squarepants' narrator's voice)

I unplugged the charger and I suddenly felt like switching on my deranged phone, and guess what? It's working just fine!

Too fine, almost as if nothing ever happened in the first place.

............(-_-|||) (my exact reaction at that time)

Suddenly I felt soooo devastated because I felt like I have wasted my money for nothing and because now I think that the new phone has no purpose to exist in my life.

Someone then advised me when I was whining about how devastated I felt, that, the money I used to buy the phone wasn't even mine in the first place. All things that I possess now are merely loans from Allah subhana wa taala and so I shouldn't be grieving about it. That got me thinking and alhamdulillah, I have been in peace ever since.

Anyways, getting to the point(finally), from the phone incident, I realized how easy it was to feel grief when you realized that something that you bought actually was meaningless. It got me thinking today that I wonder what would happen when human suddenly felt that their life was meaningless and all that is waiting them is death.

Perhaps this is why some people resort to suicide when things started to go wrong in their life and when they started to lose things. In the news, the reason for suicide would mostly be because of bankruptcy or when they were defamed. It was a shame, really, to have killed yourself when actually, our very existence hold such great meaning to the community, depending on how you look at it.

Allah has stated that we are created with a purpose. We don't exist simply with a 'bang'. There's always a process, and to waste your life by killing yourself on something frivolous such as falling out off love etc is sad. Really.

I remembered this one article that I read about a guy who jumped off a building because of a problem that he thought would have been solved if he was dead. He survived the jump but suffered from severe fractures that it was almost a miracle that he was able to live. I can only vaguely recall his words but this really hits home.

"After I jumped off the building, I suddenly realized that my problems can be solved. But at that moment, it was too late. I already jumped."

When you think the only way out of a problem is death, that's where you're wrong cause you see, for us, as Muslims, death which we think as the End was actually our real beginning. That is when our real life begins. So if you choose to kill yourself, depleting yourself of the life that Allah has given you in the first place, you're screwed. Real bad. Problems can be solved. But it will never be solved if you are dead, cause that's when you can't do anything about it. Cause you know dead, being dead, oh what am I blabbering. =_="

Anyways, I also learned that there are ways to live life to the fullest, that is by giving back to the community.

‘The value of life lies not in the length of the days, but in the use we make of them. People may live long without doing any service to anybody and thus, live very little’. -quoted

So you see, in the end, everyone has to have a purpose of living. Otherwise, they wouldn't be able to literally enjoy life. I read once, that in order to enjoy life, think of something that you want to do, a job maybe, that you would enjoy it even if you have to do it for free. And as a Muslim, we all know that our very purpose of creation is to prostrate to Him, Allah, The One Alone. So let's learn to 'enjoy' being a Muslim okay?

Let's live, the way we believe. :)

ps: Found this while deviantarting. Lol.
pps: Yes, I'm a fan of The Art of Trolling. (busted) oh, and 9GAG as well. Heh.

Salam alaik and peace out~

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Romblings #2

2012-01-16T16:28:00.002+08:00

*Rocking Ramblings = Romblings

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

I think everyone knew about the 1Malaysia book voucher that have been distributed due to the upcoming election. Anyways, I've retrieved my voucher today and bought a Syamil Al-Quran using the RM200 voucher, along with a Dale Carnegie and a Sydney Sheldon's piece. Alhamdulillah. I would have spent it on my medical books but I have already bought all that I need for my course so, yeah, it just seems pretty rational to spend it on something that I really want, that is the Syamil Al-Quran.

Allah je yang tau betapa saya nak sangat tafsir tu, cuma sebab tak pernah berkesempatan nak beli, and selalu rasa macam, 'Hmm baca Quran pun tergagap-gagap lagi nak beli tafsir yang ni mengalahkan orang yang dah khatam Quran berapa ratus kali.' Saya selalu teragak-agak when it comes to deciding if I want to buy it or not since saya SEKALI pun TAK PERNAH khatam lagi Quran. Oh sadis. T_T

And it has been 3 years since I become a Muslim. Am wondering if it was just me or if it is actually normal to be this slow.

Anywho, now that I have the opportunity to buy it and finally, my heart welcomed the idea to go on and buy it though I did feel a slight wavering earlier. Huhu. But now that it's mine, I can't help but feel so happy and of course, lepas ni kena rajin la kan baca. *koffkoff*

Tadi pun sebenarnya macam belek-belek buku Dan Brown, Stephen King and his thriller writer allies, dan sambil-sambil tu macam jeling-jeling dekat Syamil Al-Quran tu. Fikir punya fikir, lagi bagus beli Quran daripada beli buku thriller entah apa-apa banyak-banyak. No wonder I am so dark(dark as in, not referring to the skin colour but the thoughts). You are what you read, so they say.

For those who knew me, they would have known that I am sooooooooo obsessed with crime fiction and thriller novels. Nasib baik Agatha Christie takda tadi, kalau tak beli jugak kot. Tapi guna duit sendiri la, bukan voucher. Huhu.

Moving on, my second continuous assessment is nearing and Allah, this time it comprises the Nervous system, haemopoietic and lymphoid system, and the cardiovascular system. It ain't gonna be easy but inshaAllah, I will try my best. Yosh!

So, awaaay~ (dissolve into thin air)

Salam alaik and peace out yo~

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Fidgety Friday

2012-01-14T07:54:00.000+08:00

Nampak tak burung terbang2?

Kepala dua makhluk asing yang turut berpiknik

Le padang golf tempat berpiknik

Food for picnic~ Hostel-made. :P

Favourite kicap.

Ze bees.

Kucing sombong.

Can you see Mr. Spidey?

Kelantan restaurant sejati. Letak gula instead of sos and kicap. Hehe

So that's how i spent my Friday. The end. :)

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

The Dream

2012-01-12T13:12:00.002+08:00

I dreamed that I was going somewhere and I went out of someone's house to fetch my sandals only to find the sandal straps were torn and almost half of it were missing. Almost like it was eaten by something. Then someone pointed to something next to me and then I saw it. The largest monitor lizard I have ever seen and it was ginormous. I was so scared I ran to the car barefooted and hid under the car seat(How on earth did I get that small?). The next thing I knew I was awake but I drifted off to sleep again.

This time I was going somewhere. Running towards the parking lot on top of a building. I went under the shaded parking lot and entered the elevator. The venue was familiar, it almost looked like the PICC. I steeped out of the elevator and I was clueless of my directions and then I saw them. My family. My daddy, mummy and my younger brothers.

I was overwhelmed with tears but I stopped in my track. It occured to me that I was still wearing my hijab. While I was still in a panic state, they came to me and soon after, I found myself back at home.

I talked to someone in that dream and I remembered what I said to her,

"And there I was thinking that I won't go back home until I graduate, but look where I am now, isn't this like a dream?"

The moment I said it, the world starts to crumble before me.

I woke up, there were tears streaming down my cheeks.

Yes, it was just a dream after all.

A dream I so yearned for it to come true. But not yet. Not yet.

Salam alaik and peace out.

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Entri hujan

2012-01-08T17:49:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

Selalu dengar orang cakap macam ni,

"Bila baca cerita awak saya rasa bersyukur dengan apa yang saya ada."

"Bila tengok kesusahan yang awak alami, saya rasa lebih bersyukur dengan kesenangan yang saya dapat."

Saya bukan refer dekat sesiapa cuma, terfikir. Saya pun kadang, bila baca kisah orang yang kehilangan parents, rasa macam beruntung sebab masih ada ibu bapa, walaupun tak tinggal bersama family dah.

Cuma yang saya nampak, kenapa fitrah kita ni, bila membayangkan something tu dah takde, baru la nak appreciate benda yang dah ada selama ni.

I guess macam ni la manusia, selagi benda tu ada depan mata, selagi tu la tak bersyukur.

Betulla, bersyukur memang payah. Lebih senang lagi mengeluh.

Tapi kadang-kadang, mungkin perlu jugak untuk meng'imagine'kan apa yang kita ada hilang macam tu je, sebab at least, kita belajar untuk bersyukur.

Lemah kan manusia?

Bermula sekarang, mungkin perlu belajar untuk mensyukuri apa yang dah ada, tanpa sebarang aid, meaning, tak perlu nak bayang kesusahan kalau takda benda tu untuk tahu perasaan bersyukur.

But how ah?

Hmm.

Salam alaik and peace out~

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Exactly the way I want it to be

2012-01-07T14:30:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

Was this the life I want?

YES.

Back before I am a Muslim, I used to want things but there is nothing that I want more than wanting to become a Muslim.

Despite the ailments, and sometimes hearing people say, "No, you shouldn't do this. Your parents will this this and this.." and sometimes, "I think you should wait, at least after you finish your studies yadda yadda yadda".

But I WANT it despite what people want me to do. There are times that I feel like wavering but I know it is the right thing to do so I went on with it, and I'm happy with my choice, up till now, never ONCE have I regretted making that decision despite all the shortcomings and tests that Allah has sent me because to compare the hardships with the joy of getting what I want, I think, no, I KNOW it's worth it.

They might think I'm crazy for choosing the higher road or the path less traveled, but I don't care, because the one who will walk that path is me and I would want to live my life according to me, because I'm the one accountable for my actions, and not them.

If I know the path I'm going is gonna be difficult, at least I would want it to be due to my choice, not because someone wanted me to.

My WANTS may be irrational or impossible for some people, but what matters in the end is that I don't think so and I don't even need to explain myself for wanting to live my life the way I want.

Knowing what you want in life is indeed a powerful motivation, because one who stand for nothing, will fall for anything. [Malcolm X]

So I'll keep on standing, no matter how hard the typhoon hit me.

I'll keep living my life how I want it to be, and no one can stop me from doing so, unless Allah has decreed that it is not good for me and that is my limit.

I would rather choose to adhere to His preferences and live hard, than choosing to oblige to people's preferences and invite His wrath.

I will finish strong! Definitely. La hawla wala quwwata illa billah. There is no might and power except by His will.

If Allah brings me to it, He'll bring me through it.

And with that in mind, kept me going to this day. Alhamdulillahi rabbal 'alamin. All praise be to the Lord of the Worlds.

Salam alaik and peace out~

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

My name is NOT Khan. Obviyesli.

2012-01-06T00:16:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

In my Identification Card a.k.a IC, my name is still the name that I was born with.

Why?

It's like this.

When I become a Muslim, I only registered at the Islamic office( J.A.I.S) a week after. Before I went to the office, I was told that, now that I am a Muslim, I need to change my name to an arabic name with good meaning so, yeah, a lot of suggestions were coming in but I have trouble deciding. So when I went to the office, when the officer asked me what will my Muslim name be, I was at lost and a name suddenly came to mind and that is the Muslim name that I chose. And no, the name I chose is not The Rocking Hijab though I do think it would be AWESOME to have people calling on me by that name.

Just imagine.

"Yo The Rocking Hijab! Whatchadoin?"

That.would.be.LEGEND-DARY. #howimetyourmother

Ok, never mind my juvenile imagination. Anyways, the name I chose was Nur Farah Syakirah and I chose that because I have always liked the name 'Farah', back since I was a secondary school-er. It all started when my Math teacher, when I was in Form 2, not yet a Muslim, called me by the name 'Farah' because he was nicknaming everyone(to make it easier for him to call on us to fetch our books from his table) and I get to be Farah because my name kinda sound like 'faradella' though it's actually Fr*d*ll*. So the name stuck on me like glue and I carried that name until the end of Form 2. But I liked it and I don't feel offended by it. I guess it was kind of a du'a cause yeah, I'm Farah now. (^_^)v

Moving on.

So after I registered my religion change at the office, a few days later, I came to know that it wasn't necessary to change my name. I was overwhelmed and I contacted the office to ask them about this and they told me, yes it was true. I was really mad because they didn't inform me beforehand about it and what pissed me off to the level of nirvana was that they told me with a sorry-i-accidentally-stepped-on-your-foot face, "Oh sorry ramai sangat sampai lupa nak bagitau." As if that was excuse enough.

In fact, you should sound a bit more thankful that people are flocking into this religion despite all the prejudice that people have on Islam!

Fuhh, sikit lagi nak bertukar jadi ijau masa tu. =___=*

Anyways, I won't expose which Islamic office it was, but I just hope this kind of thing won't happen again. Please, it's just too depressing.

What's so big about it you might want to ask?

Well, one, that time I wasn't planning on telling my parents yet. Obviously I would be in hot soup if I were to because I was going to go back to Sarawak for the holiday. And plus, being really new in the religion, I was afraid if I were to reveal my Islamisation(that is if there is such a word), I might be forced to convert back to my previous religion so yeah, I was pretty rational I think.

My point is, back when I changed my name, people questioned me why I did such a thing and didn't I know that I CAN KEEP MY NAME?

So alhamdulillah, it is Allah's decree that it so happens that I need to have my Islam card in order to change my IC. So unless I have my Islam card, I cannot change the status of my religion and this has really eased me during my time as an Undercover Revert. It was great but rather difficult for new Muslims to obtain their Islam card because they need to complete a one week course to be able to apply for the Islam card which is a very important document for us. Without it, we will not be able to change our religion status on the IC and naudzubillah, if we die, we won't be able to have a proper Muslim funeral.

So when I came to Kelantan, alhamdulillah the procedure was easy because I don't have to attend whatsoever course as a requirement for me to have that card. But then I would have to re-register again, so this time, I did what I have been wanting to do, that is keeping my name and yes, no 'binti Abdullah'. ^_^ Alhamdulillah.

See? It wasn't that hard really. It's the protocols that have been making 'easy' things difficult.

So when I wanted to change my IC, that is the name that I used, which is the name that I was born with.

And this comes to my next point, which is, when people saw that my name is still my original name(whatever you may call it), they ask me this instead,

"Why didn't you change your name?"

And when I explained it was for da'wah purpose and it was in order to care for my parent's feelings, they told me that then people wouldn't know that I am a Muslim.

Err...hello? See this hijab thingy on my head? How unMuslim is that?

But then, they told me that it would be hard for me in terms of when dealing with technical things yadda yadda yadda so I told them that I have never experienced any difficulties regarding my name so that finally got them to shut up.

Besides, even the companions of Rasulullah s.a.w didn't change their name except for a few, but only because their former name was unIslamic and bear bad meanings.

Islamic name doesn't mean it have to be in Arabic. UnIslamic would mean, for example, if it was Abdul Kaabah, which means Slave of Kaabah. Or if your name is Silly, then you would have to change your name.

But my name was Fr*d*ll* S*ndy, and still is, at least in the IC. And I wish it to be that way.

It doesn't have any meaning, but at least my parents' happy and they will learn indirectly that I am still ME. No matter what religion I am, I will always be their ONE and ONLY daughter. Nothing has changed, and there is no gap between us. This is, I guess, my style of da'wah, to educate them that by being a Muslim, one doesn't necessarily has to have an Arabic name and one is not cutting off the blood ties just by the change of religion.

I guess it is up to us to show our parents that we really are still the same person they raised except that now we have become a much much better person by returning to Allah.

Random:

Hmm. It just came to me that I have not spoken with my dad and have been away from home ever since that day for almost a year and half now. It's pretty hard to believe that I have survived all these things. I guess that just shows that indeed Allah will not burden a person with more than what they can chew. InshaAllah. Pray that I keep on living...and surviving despite all the tests. InshaAllah.

Till next time inshaAllah. Salam jumu'ah.

Salam alaik and peace out,

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

My knight in shining armour

2012-01-03T17:31:00.000+08:00

My first post of the year and I chose to talk about this? Anyways, it seems that nowadays, sorry to say, MOST('most', not 'all') guys aren’t thatreliable anymore. Even the security guard at our hostel gave me the wolfwhistle when I passed by and that is the person you rely on for your safety inthe campus. Just plain ironic.

Before you get me wrong, I’m not trying to put down theopposite sex here. There ARE some rare species of gentlemen that i’veencountered before and my my, do they surprise me.

I remembered once when I was carrying a heavy wooden chest fullof skeletons half my size, on my way back to the hostel and being the petitesize that i am, it was really wide so i had to like carry it in some sort ofunstable fashion until there’s this one guy suddenly came to me and said, “Here,let me help you with that.” I was stunned but I gave him the wooden chestanyways and quietly followed him from behind. He helped me carry it all the wayto the gate of my hostel and after thanking him, I continued my journey to myroom, still stunned with what happened. Someone just did me a good deed and Iwas surprised? What kind of world are we coming into these days?

I also remembered this one time I was struggling with heavy things(yes, i guess almost everything is heavy for me) and there’s this one guy, heldthe door open for me. So, actually there are occurrences of this phenomenon butunfortunately, it is rare.

I understand why is it that not many guys are willing to bethe gentleman type.

First, perhaps they are afraid of being labelled as someonetrying to make a move on someone. #prejudice

Second, maybe they’re shy?

Third, perhaps they don’t know whether they should,especially when it is some stranger.

I don’t know. I guess chivalry is not that common thesedays.

Too many times have I struggled with heavy baggage, andsince I travel a lot, each time, no one is there to help me and really, I thinki would really appreciate it if they helped even if they’re some stranger.Unless they came with the expression of having an ulterior motive, then itwould be me making a 100m sprint away from them. Heh.

When I read about the companions of Rasulullah s.a.w., I amnot sure of his name but it was during the time when our mother, Aishah r.a.was being accused of adultery. Before that she was accidentally left behind. SubhanAllah,I am really sorry but i forgot the details. But what i remember is that she wason the camel of one of the companions that happened to pass by where she wasleft off and he walked in front of the camel, leading the camel towards theirdestination, all the way. I doubt if nowadays if i were to be lost, i doubt itif i would be unharmed if i were to follow a guy in the middle of nowhere,where no one is there, and no communication is at hand.

I am not saying that most guys are bad these days(butunfortunately there are some truth in it), but I guess I couldn’t help but wonderwhy it was so different now and then. So I came to the conclusion if all wereto follow the Quran and examples of our forefathers, these terrible thingswouldn’t have happened.

The one crime that I am really scared of was the crime of sexualabuse. It was scary to even think about it, and most of time, I travelledalone, and i can’t help but pray that I will reach my destination safely,unharmed. Naudzubillah. May Allah protect us from having to experience such aterrible thing.

The worst part is, most of the rape crime that happened herein Malaysia are done by Muslims.

Why are we threatened with this kind of problem?

Aren't the Muslim brothers supposed to protect us?

Where are our knights in shining armours?

I hope guys that are strong in faith and trustworthy stillexist in a large quantity even in this era. But oh well, I guess that would befar from truth, seeing how it is, in general.

Disappointed? You bet.

Even the most pious looking people are sometimes a monsterin disguise. Sigh.

In this era, I guess, we can’t afford to take the matters ofcovering up lightly. Yes, girls, now it’s your turn to hear me rant. There is areason why Allah has ordained for us to cover up, and by covering up, i meancovering up the right way. Not wrapping up. There’s a difference between thosetwo. I do not deem myself as a pious person, but I do know how it was to be ‘outin the open’.

Back in my hijabless days, when I was not yet a Muslim, Ialways feel insecure whenever I went out to go shopping etc. But once I adornthe hijab, mashaAllah, I feel so safe and even guys would think twice beforethey even want to approach me. See how the hijab has saved my chastity? Truly,by covering up, I am not oppressed but in fact, I was freed. Alhamdulillah.

I wouldn’t be talking so much about the matters of auratsince most of us already knew how we should dress. The dress code is accordingto Allah’s law and you should never go against it because in reality, thoselaws are made for a reason and they are made for us, not for Him.

Anyway, there are more knowledgeable people for you to referto when it comes to things like this, e.g. hukum, fiqh and so on. And I, am notthe person you seek. I’m just me, some sister, stating what I think and that’sit. Nothing more, nothing less.

Salam alaik and peace out.

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Restart

2011-12-31T08:07:00.002+08:00

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

2012's approaching. Another year is going to pass, so it seems. 2011 has been a great year, but also I can say it was also a year of depression for me. I have never suffered from depression so badly like this year and I also have never guessed that in the same year, I would get to experience a sense of tranquility as well. Totally the opposite but then again, kerja Allah siapa tahu? :)

My mug's chipped, and all i eat nowadays is tuna. I wonder why but it seems that I have gotten obsessed with eating salted crackers with tuna spread. I mean I eat them almost all the time it's a wonder I don't turn into a mermaid(wishful thinking. my favourite disney character was Ariel. the first thing i drew in fact.). Anyway, never mind that. Moving on.

Whenever it's new year, be it the Chinese new year, or the Muslim's Hijri new year, or even the new academic year/session(nerd. i know. =_=), I have never failed to notice that everyone is always so hyped about the coming of a new year. Unlike me who probably were almost never excited about anything except for certain things, like when Sanji decided to join the Luffy's crew on his way to the Grand Line.(yes, i got excited because of that. sigh)

Anywho, I guess what everyone's excited about is the sense of rejuvenation. By new year, it almost literally meant "Yay, i can finally put those bad bad things behind me now and look forward to create an amazing year~".

As a fellow gamer(what??!), I believe that there's some truth in the saying "Life is a game". Sometimes, you lose and sometimes you win, because that's how it is. So in order to live your life, you have to constantly be alert and aware that we are constantly attacked by this one enemy, the ultimate enemy who we know as The Devil, or Shaytan, the fallen. The Shaytan is sneakier than a snake and we should never allow an opening for him/it to strike on us. When he strikes, sometimes we tend to move into a darker place, thinking that we may not be able to make it up to our mistake, and that is where we are wrong. Did we forget that Allah is the Ultimate Forgiver? The moment we turn away from Allah, is the moment He turns away from us and it was never the other way around. So unless we chose to neglect His path, He will always be by our side, no matter what. You just have to call on Him, and He will come to you, no matter how much sin you have done. That is why the only one unforgivable sin is blasphemy, oh and also, backbiting because backbiting requires us to ask forgiveness from the person that we backbite on. Unless forgiven by them, Allah will not forgive us. *shivers*

I guess everyone need that 'restart' button in their life. I believe it can make us feel better, in lots of ways, because it made us feel that we still have a chance and we can still continue to hope. New year has always been such an adrenaline inducing event, I guess because everyone now have something to look forward to. They make lists of new year's resolutions and goals that they want to achieve, and in a way, I don't think it is a sin to celebrate the coming of a new year if it elevates your motivation to keep on living.

I for one, feel that I even need to struggle to keep myself going. I have always felt that life is hard, and the reality is cruel. The will to live, was almost zero back then and with that little bits and pieces of pathetic percentage of strength that I have, I keep on hoping that Allah will grant me strength day by day. Little did I know that all the while I was praying for strength, days passed by and I did better than expected. I survived.

So I guess that was my cue to start over, and as always, I like to say that there is nothing in life that is impossible to attain.

Simply because, with Allah, everything is possible.

"If Allah helps you, none can overcome you: If He forsakes you, who is there, after that, that can help you? in Allah, then, Let believers put their trust."

['ali Imran, 3:160]

InshaAllah, may this sense of renewal pushes us forward towards excellence and proficiency, as Islam is a deen of excellence or proficiency. Be a Muslim, and be proud!

*push RESTART button*

Well hello 2012. :)

Alhamdulillah for yet another day to live despite the accumulating sins that I have made. Another day to live, another day for repentance, bi iznillah.

So this is my last post for 2011. It has been a great year indeed.

Till then,

Salam alaik and peace out~

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Pathetic-ism

2011-12-30T16:20:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

I have once felt so pathetic that life itself seems to have laughed at me. Nothing felt right, and everything felt so wrong. I feel that I will remain useless and of no benefit to others. I want to change, but I just can't and at the end of the day, I feel that I am so worthless that even changing myself would be pointless.

It is true that we tend to experience this sort of feeling but I guess we shouldn't ever let this feeling overwhelms us to a point that we do not want to better ourselves. I guess most of us have heard of this quote, "Even the devil do not give up, so why should we?"

If we feel so hard to perform the solah, always bear this in mind. The devil did only one thing and that have sent him to Hell forever. And yet we fail to sujood sometimes more than one time, so what does that makes us?

I believe even without telling, most of us knew about our glorious past. The Muslim's glorious past that is. Allah told us in the Quran, if I am not mistaken, that we were the best of nations. WERE being the choice of word. Why? Because the best of the Muslims was back in the era of the Prophet s.a.w. and his companions radhiallahu anhuma.

Back in the Twins of Faith event, we were told that to attain that sort of perfection was not impossible. They have shown us that they can do it but only through constant application. In other words, perseverance.

Islam is a religion of action, not a religion of words. We put words into actions and being a Muslim means we walk the talk. Islam is a religion of excellence and proficiency so how can we settle for 'average'?

InshaAllah, the feeling will pass, for we are human. Our imaan has its ups and downs. So the best we can do is to try to keep our heads above the water for as long as we can, but when it is the time when our imaan is down, perhaps we can use that time to reflect on how we have progressed up till now.

May we keep on striving to be the best of nations. Ameen.

Salam alaik and peace out~

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Cause imma believer!

2011-12-30T14:36:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

Alhamdulillah I have been given an epiphany to write again despite a lot of clamming up that I have been doing recently. I am not so sure of why I have been this way. It almost seems that I have lost the will to write again but then again, it's not like I have been writing a good deal of beneficial things but I do hope, maybe, at least one person would have benefited from my writings which entirely consists of my thoughts transferred onto this unworthy blog.

Bi iznillah, I do hope that I can continue to write from heart, ideally consistently that is.

I was thinking earlier of writing about the recent Twins of Faith event but then again, I believe that my words won't do justice to the event. Nothing I say could have come to par with the awesomeness of the event and I can vouch for this, you should go for the next TOF for it is an event not to be missed. Wallahi, I gained a lot of insights from this event, and a few tears were also shed by remembrance of Him, which I believe not many of us can experience in the cruel harsh reality of this current world we live in.

Alhamdulillah.

I even think that RM100 is not enough. I think we should have paid more, considering the fact that most of the speakers and entertainers came all the way from the opposite side of the globe, literally. A lot can be learned, and most of the things that the Sheikhs talked about was really those things that made you want to come home to Allah, back to Him and I think the event definitely fulfilled it's mission.

I remembered one of the Sheikhs(I apologize for my failure of recalling the exact name of the Sheikh. Sigh) told us that he hoped that each and every one of us would walk out the door of the plenary hall, a changed man. InshaAllah. But I do think that I have walked out that door a changed person, in lots of things. But of course, the outcome depends on the individual's intention I guess. If he/she had come and set in their hearts that they wanna gain something from the event, then bi iznillah, they will. But if their intention had been for shopping, then all they get is shopping. I say shopping because down at the lobby they have this bazaar which sells a lot of stuffs you can't buy anywhere else. I bought some books for myself, and I think I never get the chance to buy international Islamic books anywhere else. Or maybe I never tried to look for it in MPH or Kinokuniya.

Anyway, at that event, I also met a special someone and I feel blessed to have met her because she made me relive my past, and by my past I mean back when I was an undercover revert. Sounds like an espionage or something but then again, that is our reality.

I remember not wearing the hijab when I'm at home and not being able to perform the solah on time. I remember to have sneaked around in the middle of the night, crying for His mercy to let me keep being strong until I finally able to live as a Muslim freely. I also remember the guilt that I felt when I went to the church on Sundays, saying the Christian creed, albeit the fact that I bear the kalimah syahadah, buried deep in my heart. It was a painful journey, and not a journey people would be willing to take up even if they are paid to do it. But I guess this is where Allah tested us whether we truly believe in Him, putting the utmost trust in Him, that somehow, everything will be fine, despite the pain that grows in our hearts each day as we passed the time pretending that we are still a non-believer.

I believe I can quite understand the pain of Yassir, the son of Sumayyah, to have uttered that 'I do not believe!' though the heart cries 'Allah I believe You are my Lord!'.

May Allah forgive us, those who have had to pretend to be a non-believer in order to save ourselves from being denied of our faith. Ameen.

Salam alaik and peace out~

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Fake converts

2011-12-17T01:24:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

Actually talking about this won't solve anything. Won't change anything even. Just felt like talking about it. I guess this is just a case of the straw that broke the camel's back.

It seems that these days, more and more news or nicely concocted gossips have been spreading around about celebrities, especially the celebrities in the US, converting to Islam.

The first celebrity convert that I heard about was Cat Stevens, but his is real. Then, I heard about Michael Jackson's, then it was Mark Zuckerberg's and the latest was Paris Hilton's.

I am not sure about MJ's, but I'm pretty sure that the latter were faked.

Alhamdulillah if it is true(which is unlikely and almost impossible, but hey, Allah's plan overrules all right?) but I am quite sure that it was not. We can never guess who or who will accept His guidance but let's face it, this is not a joke.

Converting/reverting to Islam is not something that you can fake, well, at least, not with your heart. I wonder who's responsible for these fake conversion stories and may Allah give them hidayah so as not to do that again.

I wasn't upset or anything but it's really a wonderful feeling to know that someone who is a hedonist, is given the guidance towards the better. It just kind of became some sort of a disclaimer when it actually isn't real.

I remembered a friend once posted in one of my Facebook groups about Korean celebrities that we(most of us) like and went crazy for. Instead of cheering for them in a crowd, or jumping up and down to their songs, why not pray for Allah's guidance to reach their hearts so that they can be with us and submit to Allah? Why let them fall deeper into the darkness, where they are bounded by their own desires for fame and money? This got me thinking, not that I have any favourite celebrities in particular. But I do sing(and sometimes danced) to SNSD's(slash Girl's Generation slash Shoujo Jidai) songs now and then because I'm kind of a SONE myself, and still is. Well, a bit, because I don't really have favourites. So when I watch their music videos, I get all gloomy and depressed because I felt pity towards them. Almost kind of felt like I wished they would be freed from the world they're in.

Thinking of the syahadatul haq really made me get a wee bit edgy at times because I feel like I haven't been contributing anything to Islam. I couldn't even do da'wah to my own family for God's sake. The least I can do was show how Islam had changed me into a better person, and that itself gave me headaches at times, just thinking of the weight of the responsibilities.

How can we just sit here and watch them fall into the pit of darkness without doing anything about it? Won't they drag us with them during the Yaumul Qiyamah because we are guilty of not delivering His message?

I don't know, sometimes I feel so helpless but I guess, I'm taking my time realizing my responsibilities. More like a mission I guess.

Always, ALWAYS believe that Allah's help and guidance is with those who helped His religion.

Sometimes it is so hard to do the right thing, where else the path to Hell seems tremendously easy by comparison.

And right now, I'm feeling it, the void in my heart opening up again.

"Dear Allah, The Lord of All Worlds, give me strength to carry on living Your message, and give me extra strength to spread it to others by all means. Ameen."

Salam alaik and peace out.

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Thoughts of TRH #1

2011-12-15T15:22:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

Sometimes I wish I don't have to think about my dad disowning me.

Sometimes I wish I could be learning something that I actually enjoy learning.

Sometimes I wish to run away somewhere far away where no one knows me and start a new life with a new identity like they did in the movies.

But REALITY do not work that way.

Reality is silent and stealthy when approaching their targets, and it suddenly smacked right into your face when you least expected and you finally realized that it was still there all along.

You put that problem aside, thinking it would be much easier to not think about it because that way you will be able to enjoy a, unfortunately, temporary problem-free life.

When it hit you, you expect someone would understand, and someone would perhaps make you feel much better about it, but in the end, you have to sail this journey solo, nonindependent of anything save for Allah alone.

Everyone have their own problems, and the degree of the severity or the hardness of their challenges are not to be judged because everyone is given the problems tailored to their own capability to make it through.

I admit things are hard but in dunya, it is just natural to feel as if everything is difficult, especially when it comes to attaining good things.

That's why it is called a jihad, to strive, to really strive for something in the path of Allah.

We pray so that we may not stray from His path but what did we really do to make it happen? Do we choose to dwell on our problems and let the opportunities to better ourselves slide past us or do we actually try to change our own reactions to things that happened to us?

Bad things happen. That's Murphy Law for you.

The only thing that we can change is how we react to it, to either turn the lemon into lemonade or simply complained about how sour the lemon was.

But of course, being human, with the ups and downs of the state of imaan, sometimes it was overwhelming and sometimes I feel as if I couldn't cope with it. But duh, Allah's plan overrules all and He knows best. My mistake was to go through it alone. One can always talk about it, but sometimes, when it's so bad, I tend to shut myself away from the world, shunning people away from me.

I expect people to understand what I have gone through and I needed my time out but these days, I have learned to put my feelings aside and started to accept other people's sweet and bitter feelings as my own. It was more painful, especially when that someone was dear to your heart, but the sacrifice is worth it because knowing that the other person is happy or was able to overcome their problems with our aid, even by just listening to them, the pain in my heart eases bit by bit and I stopped thinking about myself, for once.

It needs adapting but I guess one can always learn.

Perhaps by giving love I can finally fill the void that I feel in my heart. Instead of thinking of receiving, I have learned how to give and I guess that's why I feel much calmer these days.

Give, to receive.

Oh well, still got a lot to learn. Life's short, so why stain it with grief and anguish aye?

Salam alaik and peace out.

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Fail

2011-12-14T00:53:00.002+08:00

For those who have known me, well, personally, you will knowthat I am a repeat Dental student. Though repeating first year is quite common inmedical school/dental school, one could not help but feel like a bottom billionwhen getting an F for a result.

Last year, I have 3 continuous assessments in which I failedin each one of them and I also failed my Professional 1 which is the finals forfirst year.

Yes, I have failed.

So, since this September, I have been a first year Dental student allover again and I just came to know of my result for my previous 1^stcontinuous assessment just today. And I passed. With a B.

For someone who have been down in the dumps for almost 3years, I couldn’t help but feel that my time to rise has finally come. For a studentwho have always failed and was the bottom of the class last year, this is anachievement.

Well, at least for me.

InshaAllah, I will continue to increase my grade and finallyenter 2^nd year. Ameen.

Still a long way to go but yeah, like they say, “Failingonce does not mean that you will fail forever.”

And I failed 4 times, and finally, I made it, but onlythrough perseverance of course.

After all, how can we depend on Allah if we didn’t even makean effort to try to change our state?

InshaAllah things will just get better and better. Withthings like issues with my dad etc, I won’t let it anchor me to the ground likeit did me last year.

Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah thummal Alhamdulillah.

Syukran jiddan ‘ala du’a and may Allah bless each andeveryone of us.

Salam alaik and peace out.

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Closure

2011-12-09T02:46:00.001+08:00

Salam alaik.

I think I need to explain the reasons to my somewhat rash behaviour. In terms of what you did, for example, sending me books etc, it's not wrong. Really. What made me do what I did was because...

I was scared.

A few years back, there were ikhwahs or perhaps, so-called ikhwahs, that approached me, saying that, they wanted to help me. Their said intention was good, and of course, acceptable but things started to turn out weird when they texted me almost all the time.

Sampai satu tahap, ada sorang 'ikhwah' tu kata nak jumpa. And ada jugak yang mintak saya bagi gambar. So lepas tu, saya jadi macam trauma bila ada 'ikhwah' yang approach. So, bila diorang start macam mesra semacam, saya terus 'melarikan' diri sebab saya tak selesa.

So, kalau memang niat awak tak lebih dari sekadar nak tolong, harap awak maafkan saya atas apa yang saya dah buat, dan semoga Allah ampunkan saya sebab tersangka buruk dekat awak.

Saya tak berniat nak sakitkan hati sesiapa. I was simply protecting myself and it's only natural untuk saya put up my DEFENSE mode sebab saya dah terbiasa survive sorang-sorang and saya akan terus 'lari' bila saya rasa tak selesa atau rasa terancam.

Semoga Allah membalas pertolongan awak setakat ni, dan maafkan saya, sebab saya tak sanggup nak berhubung dengan awak dah. Sebab perasaan tak selesa tu dah berbekas dalam diri saya dan saya tak nak go on rasa macam tu.

Sebab tu saya terus tulis dekat blog, sebab saya tak nak contact awak direct guna email, or apa2 pun.

Saya doakan semoga awak terus menjadi hamba Allah yang baik dan saya harap awak tak contact saya dah. Dan permintaan saya ni bukan atas dasar benci, tapi hanya sekadar untuk mengelakkan saya dari terus rasa tak selesa sebab saya tak suka didesak. Dan saya tak nak perasaan tak selesa tu bertukar menjadi benci. Jadi eloklah kalau setakat ni je.

InshaAllah saya dah boleh berdikari, so awak dah tak ada tujuan untuk contact saya dah pun, dan tak perlu risaukan saya sebab saya boleh bawak diri. I'm stronger than you think, inshaAllah.

I hope this letter do not offend you in any way dan tujuan saya tulis post ni pun sebab tiba-tiba terlintas dalam hati saya untuk tulis dan jugak sebab saya risau saya tersangka buruk dekat hamba Allah yang ikhlas nak tolong saya. Dan lagi satu, sebab saya tak nak bagi situasi ni tergantung macam tu je, tanpa apa-apa kesudahan.

Sekali lagi, maafkan saya dan halalkan segala pertolongan yang awak dah bagi.

Thanks for everything up until now, and may Allah bless you in life journey towards Him. Ameen.

Wassalam alaik warahmatullah wabarakatuh.

Hamba yang mengharap redhaNya,

Nur Farah Syakirah.

Consumed

2011-12-08T15:02:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

I went to Watsons earlier today to look for my shampoo and I accidentally bought something that I really really regret. (whocares?)

It was a Himalaya Hair Revival Cream with a free shampoo.

The Hair Revival Cream(which I obviously don't need) costs RM55.90.

The only reason why I took it off the shelf earlier was because I thought it was the cream that's free, and not the shampoo.

Because the shampoo should cost about below RM10 something so yeah, that's why I put it in my shopping basket in the first place.

Turned out it isn't.

Imagine the heart attack that I felt when I was paying for my stuffs.

And the best part of this story is, it was clearly labelled "Free shampoo".

My point is, I am an impulsive shopper and I never cared to bargain, even when I know I can.

This is a habit that I have been trying to fight ever since I was born(almost literally).

I never cared to look at the price tags, which means when I'm gone shopping, I simply put stuffs in the trolley and I will only know how much it costs at the counter.

And usually, I didn't spend that much.

But this time, this incident literally blown my mind.

I am 100% at fault for not paying attention to the labels, and also the price, apparently.

Labels are there for a reason, Farah.

They are for you to READ!

Labels are NOT for illustrations.

So, serve me right for having to spend extra RM50 due to my own ignorance.

I'm still not over blaming myself but inshaAllah, I've learnt my lesson.

Always READ the price tags.

It ain't that hard really.

So now I'm just gonna shut up and stare at my RM50 worth Hair Revival Cream. (And I'm not even balddddddd gahhhhhhh)

So, kids, don't make the same mistake that I did.

Salam alaik and peace out~

(still staring at the RM50 worth Hair Revival Cream)

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Muslim = ?

2011-12-06T13:56:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

There's this one thought that came to mind lately, about why human needed trade system.
Back then, people used barter to trade things.
But it was not effective because sometimes the values of the things they're trading is not equal.

For example, I wanted a bag of wheat to make some bread and I came to know one of my neighbours have extras, but that particular neighbour wanted my cattle in return.

Get what I mean?
So I guessed that is why people don't barter anymore and so they decided to use something as a standard to trade things more efficiently, and that thing is money but it's not real money.

For example, a cattle is worth 3 seashells so yeah, if you wanna have them, you've gotta have 3 seashells. But this too is not effective since seashells are abundant and you can easily get them anywhere.
So they came up with usage if gold and silver coins as they are hard to obtain and you literally need to dig for it in order to make one freaking coin.

Allah has narrated in the Quran that gold and silver are limited items.
And this has a profound meaning because of course, as we all know, Allah knows best of His creation.
Things were going pretty smoothly using gold and silver coins since the value of things are standardized and you never have to pay more than you should because well, it's limited.

Now, some people thinks that this whole usage of gold and silver coins aren't bringing them anywhere, especially in terms of bringing up their own kind. [Hint: The J people]
So, they came up with introducing paper money into the circulation to manipulate the economy to their own advantage.
It worked since paper money is much easier to carry around and much easier to produce.
But usage of paper money came to show its ugly side when it turns out that it aren't helping with the economy at all.

Hence, the inflation.

But the J's keep on collecting all the golds they can get their hands on, so that when it comes to a time when paper money can no longer be used, people will get desperate and that is the time to run their plan.
This is exactly why Muslims are told to start saving their money in gold form, as soon as possible.

But whatever, I'm not gonna talk about this in detail.
Just leave it to the economists.
Translation: If you wanna hammer me about what I wrote about money, it will not be responded to, cause uh, I'm just saying what I know. (trollface)

Anyway, what I was wondering was actually why human even needed a trading system to begin with.
I mean, back then people simply take what they want and not pay for it(what a dream).
So there must be a reason why people started bartering to begin with.

I was racking my brains- well, not exactly, actually this thought came when I was lying down while waiting for Zuhur earlier.
So I came up with one word that makes sense.

Control.

Imagine if people keep on taking things and maybe, just maybe, some of them got a little greedy and started hogging all the fruits for example, to keep for their own, leaving none for others.
So someone must have seen what is becoming of the society and hence, the barter system.

For illustration purpose.

And then I tried relating this to Islam, our deen itself.
Islam is the perfect example of the religion that is composed of a plethora of rules.
Why all the rulings?

So I tried imagining a world void of Islam and subhanAllah, it ain't pretty.
People can murder others at a whim.
Women oppressed by men.
Kids unattended.
Gambling.
Drinking.
Deteriorating society.
It was chaos.
Like back in the jahilliyah/pre-Islamic era of the Arabs again.
Not good. Not good.

So I guess it was to maintain peace amongst humankind, externally.
Internally, Islam acts as a control to our nafs(lower self), which in no doubt will be raging freely if it were to be left uncontrolled.
Simple example, what happens right after we break our fast?
Do we eat moderately just to fill ourselves only what we need or do we simply shove all the food in sight as long as it can fit into our tiny mouth?

Think.

Islam is indeed the way of life.
That, everyone knows.
They proclaimed that there is no God save for Allah and Muhammad is His messenger.
They totally agreed to that statement but then again, I guess we tend to forget why is it that Allah made the syahadah as the first of the 5 pillars of Islam.
The saying of total submission meant that we should agree, submit to whatever rulings that Allah has set out for us, simply because He is Our Creator and we are the Creation.

Some people may feel offended by this fact so they refuse to follow and abide to the rulings, because they keep on questioning the explanation behind each and every rules that have been decreed to us.
Hence, the scientific explanation etc so that these people will maybe submit wholeheartedly to Allah inshaAllah.

However it is important to know that it was not in order to attain good health that Allah has ordered us to pray 5 times a day.
The scientific explanations are merely hikmahs.
When people ask you why you pray 5 times a day, the answer is only one and it is applicable to every rulings that every Muslims have to follow.

No matter if they asked you why you wear the hijab, why you don't eat pork etc etc, the answer is only one and that answer will always be,

"Because Allah told me to."

And that is what being a Muslim is about.
A Muslim is a person who submits to Allah, hence, submit to all the rulings that most people find oppressive and sometimes, they find it extreme.

Islam is a religion of obedience and so, you must obey.
No questioning.
But yeah, if knowing the hikmah behind every rules helps in strengthening your faith, I say, why not?
It's necessary for da'wah anyways.

The reason I am writing about this is so that you know that those explanations are merely hikmahs and not the real reason why Allah told us to do so and so.

So be a real Muslim and obey. It's not that hard, really.

But hey, I'm no preacher. Just a fellow sister reminding herself as well as others through her writing.

Salam alaik and peace out~

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Crying a river

2011-12-03T02:21:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah,

Most Gracious, Most Merciful,

Praise be to Allah,

the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,

and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

Earlier today, I was asked to give a sharing on my journey to some of the students here in USM in one of

the slots they have for their program. So when I talked about my journey, I felt something bubbled inside me

and the feelings became intense that I nearly cried, especially when I recollected the memories pertaining

issues with my dad. And I thought I was done crying about it. Managed to hold it in, only to find myself

crying like a baby afterwards when my slot ends. I guess the pain's still there, quietly sitting at a corner.

Somehow, retelling the story of my journey unleashed the hurt that I've put aside for so long and it was really

painful.

When I'm done crying, my friend told me I looked really strong up there. I just smiled, not uttering a single

word because I kinda doubt what she saw. I guess, you have to be strong anyway when being strong's your

only option. :)

How I wish I could stop crying...

Sometimes the pain's too much to bear, but alhamdulillah, I guess emotion-wise, I am far more stable than I

used to be. :) InshaAllah, this too shall pass.

I have been listening to Yiruma's 'River flows in you' since I downloaded it yesterday. Felt connected to the

music. Almost felt like as if it is composed especially for me, talking about me, well, at least that's how I feel

about it. So far, things have been great and far more stable than the previous year. I guess we all have our

dark moments aye?

Anyway, alhamdulillah my first block exam is done with and next week I am going to enter the Nervous

System block. Toughest block for first years and yeah, have to focus more on this one because it's really

basic and I'll use this knowledge until I graduate. So yeah, CNS, kinda a big deal.

So I guess till the next post then?

Salam alaik and peace owt~

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Projections #1

2011-12-02T09:42:00.001+08:00

I call this one "When magic pen meets Yiruma".

Salam jumu'ah and peace out~

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Heart-to-heart

2011-12-02T01:43:00.001+08:00

Plans.

I guess we all have plans. Be it short-term or long-term, wedo have plans. Even thinking about what to eat

in the next few minutes is alsoconsidered as plans. But sometimes, we forget, too engrossed in planning can

lead to nowhere. We are too focused on making our dreams happen that we forgetto stop and look at the

world. This happens to me. Now. Currently.

I am too engrossed in trying to bring myself up that Iforgot to cherish people that actually lived with me, I

forgot to appreciatepeople that constantly tries to ease my worries, and I actually forgotten thepeople that

actually cared about me. I forgot what it’s like to be in afriendship.

It just hit me now that I have been selfish, I mean really,really selfish. I shield myself from any form of

attachment in hope that I won’tget hurt, only to realize, only now, that I realize, that I have hurt a lot of

peoplealong the way.

I am sorry that I backed out when you try to understand.

I am sorry that I turned my head away when you offered towipe my tears.

And I am really sorry, for not letting you come into mylife.

I really, really am.

Now that I am truly alone, in my own solitude, I realized, Ihave had my fair share of hurting a few hearts

here and there.

I brought this unto myself, thinking I would be better offliving alone, thinking that Allah suffices, but I forgot

that I also have tomaintain my relationship with people around me.

Now I have to pay for my own mistake, by being all bymyself, and I thought that was the best way for me.

But I forgot, in planningfor my own life, Allah’s plans rises above all.

So here I am admitting my selfishness, admitting openly thatI am just a normal human being covered with

flaws, and that, I am justsometimes too proud to let anyone come into my life and share the life that Ihave,

simply because I am afraid of being hurt, because I am afraid that beingdependent on people will make me

feel weak.

But in the end, I have to embrace the fact that human AREweak. That’s why we’re the servant, and He’s

our Lord. Because in reality,human can never play God, and that one fact is the one thing that we always

forgot. We plan and plan, but we tend to forget that Allah’s plans overrules,and our plannings are merely

pieces in a chess game, but we have a choice, toeither bring ourselves up, or the other way around.

Being a Muslim means that we have to get used to being in ateam, and I have to admit, I always played

single. I never even tried to be ina team, a jemaah, simply because I don’t want to get out of my comfort

zone, mysense of belonging in my own world, always thinking that people won’tunderstand, and that my

life’s just too different.

But the truth is, there’s not much difference anyway, becausewe are all tested within our threshold of

capability to withstand the specifictests that Allah has ordained for each and every one of us. Each test is

tailored and there’s no saying that I won’t be strong enough to face it becauseAllah is The All Knowing. By

right He would know me better than myself becauseafter all He is The Creator and I am the creation, so if

He thinks I can, thenI can.

If He thinks I can, then I CAN.

After all, it’s not like these tests have not been afflictedto our forefathers right? Theirs are way worst and I

couldn’t even stand toimagine if I were to be in their shoes. So I guess I should be thankful. MaybeI should

start asking people to call me Syakirah, so that I may be thankful andgrateful. I’ve been joyful(Farah) for so

long so maybe this could be a goodchange? After all, names are a du’a. :)

Insha Allah I’ll try to patch things up, correcting mymistakes along the way, in hope of becoming a better

person each day.

Everyone got drenched in the rain once in a while. I guessit’s either you see it as a fun experience or be

grumpy about it all day long.Everyone might step into a puddle of mud once in a while. Again, I guess it’s

either you complain about it or take action and wipe your shoes clean. I guessit is all up to how we view

things and Allah, I have been trying hard to changemy perspective on how I view my own life as well as

others’ as well. This is myjihad, and you have yours as well. So choose whether you want to live a

meaningfullife, or a meaningless life full of complains and no action. Choose.

Life is a planned out program, but we do have a choice, andAllah will not change the state of His servant

unless he strives to changehimself first. Let this be a reminder, and may Allah’s blessings came upon you.

Ameen.

Salam alaik and peace out.

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Personality of TRH

2011-11-23T08:19:00.001+08:00

This is not the usual Facebook kind of quiz. This is actually a test done by REAL psychologists. They might describe you accurately, and they might not since our personality can change with time due to external/internal factors. But nevertheless, there's no harm in trying to get to know yourself better aye?

Here's the link. Have a blast trying to know more about yourself!

So...this is mine. (along with my own comments as I was reading it lol)

Calm

You rarely become irritated, generally accept people as they are, take things as they come, and feel relaxed in most situations. You do not let a minor annoyance escalate to a confrontation. You don't regularly snap at those around you or fly off the handle with little provocation. (have to say this is kind of true)

Introspective

You like your own company; you're a very interesting person.(indeed lol) Tracking your own mental processes, knowing what you're thinking and why you do what you do, is important to you.(which explains why I am doing this personality patterns test in the first place)
Often, what's going on in your mind is more compelling than what's going on outside. (kind of a narcissistic statement -_-" )
For the most part, those with a high score on the "introspective" trait enjoy reading, taking long walks, learning new things, and other solitary activities.(which explains why I am always all by myself)
You are not someone who is constantly looking to be among a group of friends; you never feel bored when you are by yourself. (couldn't agree more)

Aesthetic

You appreciate art, beauty, and design; you know that they are not superficial but absolutely crucial to living the good life.
You have good taste, and you're proud of it. (but my mum told me I have a taste of an ahjumma* =..= )
Those with a high score on the "aesthetic" trait are often employed in literary or artistic professions, enjoy domestic activities — doing things around the house — and are enthusiastic about the arts, reading, and travel.
You don't think it's pretentious to be moved by art and beauty.
You're not one of those who believe it doesn't matter what something looks like as long as it does its job. (Ha!)

*ahjumma= auntie in Korean

Accessible

You're comfortable expressing yourself in words and actions, with no self-censorship. (keyword: blog)
You believe that if someone doesn't like what they see it's not your problem, but theirs.(bhahaha)
A high score on the "accessible" trait suggests that you have a lot of friends(nods), socialize often(nods nods), and enjoy rap/hip-hop music.(wha-?)
You don't see the need to keep your thoughts to yourself(helloooo??), or to have a zone of privacy that encompasses only yourself and a small circle of friends and relatives.

Scrupulous

You are an honest, fair person.
You don't lie or cheat to get ahead.
You treat others with respect and hope for the same in return. (the Golden rule: don't inflict on others what you don't want on yourself)
You do not feel that you are above the rules that everyone else follows; you are definitely not willing to do whatever it takes to get ahead. (...or rather because I'm too chicken to do that)

Curious

You like to get to the bottom of things.(*ahem* Holmes *ahem*)
You're not content knowing what someone did; you want to know why they did it. (in other words, I am a nosy person)
You don't simply take things as they are and move on; you're not content skimming along on the surface; you don't feel you're wasting time by digging for the meaning of things.

Cooperative

You enjoy teamwork, play well with others, and prefer getting along to winning.You're not compelled to win every contest nor to be right all the time. (slightly true)

Prudent

You look before you leap, think before you act, consider what you're about to say before you open your mouth to speak; that's why you rarely have to eat your words.
You usually don't get excited easily or blurt out the first thing that comes to mind without considering the consequences.

Creative

You are good at solving problems, coming up with original ideas, and seeing connections between things, connections that most other people miss.
People with a high score on the "creative" trait often are employed in such fields as finance and scientific research, and enjoy avant garde and classical music as well as literary fiction and scholarly non-fiction.
You do not shun abstractions and concepts in favor of the concrete and tangible.

Intellectual

You are thoughtful, rational, and comfortable in the world of ideas.
People find you interesting to talk to. (*snorts* who wouldn't? lol)
You're the living embodiment of the saying "You learn something new every day."(really? -_-" )
In general, those with a high score on the "intellectual" trait are employed in such fields as teaching and research, and are enthusiastic about reading, foreign films, and classical music.
You do not avoid abstract conversation, experimenting with new ideas, or studying new things.
It bores you to stick to the straight and narrow of what you already know.

A 1% risk, for a 100% chance.

2011-11-23T07:13:00.001+08:00

Even before becoming a Muslim, I always question to why people revert to Islam anyway even when they know what's waiting ahead of them.

I mean, it's not like there's nobody telling them about the risks and the post-reversion consequences.

They know, but still, they did it anyway.

But now I know, because no matter what happens, they always/almost all the time, have this is mind.

"I chose Allah over everything, so what reason does Allah have to neglect me?"

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

The Rain

2011-11-22T06:48:00.001+08:00

Disclaimer: Copied from an email forwarded to me. :)

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80's arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.

While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.

The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health.

He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease.

As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late.

He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.
I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?'
He smiled as he patted my hand and said,
'She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is.'

I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, 'That is the kind of love I want in my life.'

True love is neither physical, nor romantic.

True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there is one that comes along that has an important message.. This one I thought I could share with you.

The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.

I hope you share this with someone you care about. I just did.

'Life isn't about how to survive the storm,

But how to dance in the rain.'

We are all getting Older.

Tomorrow may be our turn.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Rocking Hijab is rendered helpless against moving articles like this she simply had to post it up. And also because she thinks it was soooooo sweetttt. Haha.

And also, I needed something to distract you from my boo-hoo-hoo side. And this is purr-fect~

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

This mourning

2011-11-21T12:45:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

Woke up with a heavy heart this morning. I thought I might sleep it off yesterday but it continued to earlier this morning. So after the Fajr prayer, I listened to Yasmin Mogahed's lecture, hoping that perhaps by listening to Islamic talks I might find peace in my heart.

A few hours later, the heavy feeling still persists but has somewhat decreased. Saw my mum's caller id on the phone and answered it. She was wondering when I would be having my holiday because she was planning to come to Kelantan this December, bringing my youngest brother along.

To those that have been following my blog since the past years, you might have known by now that my youngest brother is the one that I love most amongst my family members, simply because I was there when he was born and I kind of formed a bond with him since I am the one that witnessed his first words, his first fall and who's not to fall in love with an adorable toddler like that?

So, my mum was still planning though so it's not decided yet but she told me she would go whether my dad will like it or not. She told me that she's gonna say upfront 'I'm gonna go to Kelantan and see Sandy.' Before this, in our previous meeting, the Le Reunion post, she had an excuse to go since she have to go to Nilai to pass my brother his laptop for him to use for his SAT exam. But this time, it is solely for the purpose of seeing me.

I pretended to laugh and told her why was she so eager to see me, jokingly of course, and she told me that it was because it was either her going to me or she might not be able to see me at all. I was kind of stunned and I asked her what she meant by that. She exhaled and told me, that well, with my dad having issues with me, it seems unlikely that I EVER get to go home at all. Of course I laughed, though at the other of the phone my heart is starting to feel all twisted inside.

Why I am laughing? Because like in our previous phone calls, I never showed that I am not okay. I wanted her to feel assured that I am okay, and that I am strong, and this has not affected me.

At the end of our conversation, I heard my mum's voice broke off but I pretended not to notice. She was crying.

:)

I really don't know what to say anymore.

...............

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

The Truth

2011-11-20T11:22:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

I sometimes think about life in a difficult way. Sometimes too difficult that I got lost in my own thoughts.

Have you ever thought that maybe what you're seeing is actually not as what it seems? Maybe when you see a caterpillar, perhaps in reality it was actually a table?

(I know this doesn't make sense but bear with me)

Maybe when you heard someone singing it was actually him or her screaming?

Or maybe when I touched a table, maybe it was actually a spider?

We have no memories of the first thing we saw when we were born. We are born into this world, being taught that an apple is red, the sky is blue and the Sun is hot.

Our interpretation of the world depends on our senses, and will you agree if I say, what if, your hand, that you see as it is, is actually a clump of earth in reality?

I mean, Allah have control on our senses so, He can make us see what He wanted us to see, what He wanted us to hear, what He wanted us to feel.

Even in a dark room, we can always tell if that something we touched is a table, simply because the receptors in our skin have been accustomed to what a 'table' felt like.

So when I was told that dunya was merely a temporary place to be, I get it, simply because I can relate that to the thoughts that I had. The dunya is merely a program that has been running from since the day the dunya is created. We are merely pieces in a chess set, and we are actually nothing. We don't exist because only Allah exists in reality. If you don't understand what I am writing about, please ask and not assume that I am trying to preach a new religion or something. Again, the rule of this blog, never assume. Ask.

The same goes to hidayah I guess. Allah chose to give it to certain people, even to people as clueless about Islam as me. I was not invited to this deen because I have the advanced knowledge of Islam. It was simply because I had no interest in my previous born-to religion. Maybe that is why, some great scholars, even though they had agreed that the Quran is the book to follow, and Islam is the way to go, they still haven't embraced Islam, simply because Allah did not 'show' them the Truth as it is. However, I am not implying that I saw the Truth. I become a Muslim not because of what I know about Islam, but simply because I can feel it in my heart that, yes, Islam is the way to live and believe. I can't prove it that Islam is the Truth, for I have almost zilch knowledge of that, but I can assure you, the heart NEVER lies. The eyes may be blind from the truth, but the 'inner eye', the heart, is directly connected to Allah and you'll always know when something doesn't feel right, and vice versa.

So I guess, that is our job, to keep on seeking the Truth, until you reached the highest stage of Imaan, that is when you feel as though you can see Him.

To end this post, let us raise our hands and make du'a.

"O Allah, please show me the Truth as it is, and don't let me waver once I am on the straight path. Ameen."

May Allah grant us with wisdom, and salam alaik.

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Timed

2011-11-20T08:24:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

Earlier, I was reading an article at the Suhaib Webb and I came upon this article written by the Imam Hujjat al-Islam, Imam Ghazali.

As I was reading this, I realized a lot of things, and those things are not exactly what I'm comfortable to be reminded of. The fact that I know so little about the Islamic law despite already being a Muslim for 3 years.

How can I avoid erring when I know so little?

I am not blaming anyone, but I am just frustrated at the fact that I am a student studying this course I am taking. Yeah, I should be grateful but then, being a student of this course(Dentistry) forced me to study ONLY the materials for my exams and there is hardly any time left for me to study about Islam intensely.

I guess that's why I am really looking forward for Sundays, because that's when I have my weekly halaqah and the only time I am able to focus on my Islamic studies.

In the end, the thing that matters is how I am preparing for death and how can I attain taqwa when I don't even know what to avoid from doing?

I'm sick of not knowing because I don't have the allocated time to 'know'. I need to fix a schedule and put an amount of time to spend only studying about Islam...but then, I'll be studying without a teacher but on my own. :'( But I guess this is my jihad.

*sigh*

InshaAllah I'll make it through. Allah, help me. *sigh*

May Allah bless you and salam alaik.

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

T And J

2011-11-19T12:28:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

T and J. Tanggung and Jawab or, responsibility.

Being the first grand daughter of both sides, the first child in the family, gives me a reality that spooked me to this day. "Ohmygod why am I born like this???" But of course, after being a Muslim, I am constantly reminded of this phrase from the Holy Quran, that Allah never burdens a man with things that he cannot bear. [Al-Baqarah, 2:286]

Also being the only daughter gave me a responsibility to take care of my family's dignity, with things going around these days (e.g. mingling around with the opposite sex so freely), it is almost impossible for a person with no iman to have survived that kind of situation, unless they have been taught with high moral values from since they were young.

Being the only revert in my nuclear family, of course, gave me another responsibility. Sometimes I wanted to go "Argghhhhh why so manyyyy??????? Is it not enough being the first grandchild and first child???" But of course, this is a test whether I am faithful to His decree. There is always reasons behind things that happened. Sometimes Allah reveals them for us to see and take note, but most of time, we can't seem to understand why it happened in the first place.

So instead of questioning the 'why's, i guess it is much more appropriate to question the 'how's to level up with the responsibilities given. Be it the responsibility to guide your sisters or brothers, be it the responsibility given to teach your students, each and everyone of us have our own responsibilities, tailored to our own capability. The bigger the responsibility, the greater your capability. So how can we give up since Allah knows us much better than ourselves?

So here I am, saying, I'm up for this challenge and inshaAllah, by taking one step at a time, I'll be able to realize my goals. And there.....

(pause)

Oh my mum just called to say that she's bored. Apparently she was watching over my younger brothers playing at the playground while waiting for my dad to come from the auto shop to readjust the car alignment.

Now, where was I?

Oh yeah. Goals. And there's only one goal that I have in mind for now, and I only discovered it a few days ago after texting my senior back in school. Alhamdulillah, I hope it will go smoothly and inshaAllah, it will happen!!!! *coughs* With Allah's will of course. Never forget that.

Lately I have been feeling lethargic. Maybe I'm stressed and I keep trying to sleep it off, which made me realize only adds up to the stress. TT_TT

Oh, and by stress, I mean, student's stress. Since I am a dental student, I need to study as much medical subjects as the medical students do as well as the dental subjects. Tiring? You bet. There are lots of time that I feel like quitting, but thinking that this will do me good for the future if I ever want to be a speaker of the Deen keeps me going and also, by taking this course, inshaAllah, by the time I graduate, my dad would shut up once and for all about my reversion, because of the 'Dr.' title in front of my name. To those who didn't know, my relationship with my dad is still pretty much like a year ago. We haven't been talking for a year and 2 months now. Only my mum and my brothers were able to accept it openly, though only after some time. I know my mum quietly disagree, but I know as long as I maintained being just me, showing to her that I am still her daughter no matter what, I think she'll come to accept me completely one day. Oh and yeah, that also makes a year and 2 months since I last went home. So don't go around saying you can't go back home, wailing only because you haven't been back for a few weeks, in front of me, cause I might say something like this,

"You can go back whenever you want to but I can't go back not because I have a choice not to, but because I CAN'T."

Not trying to be spiteful but I was just saying that so that you may feel more grateful with your situation. :)

But hey, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?

That's all for now. Need to get back to my studying. My exam's in a week. Pray for us.

Salam alaik warahmatullah.

From USM with love,
The Rocking Hijab.

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

I'm beautiful

2011-11-18T08:02:00.001+08:00

Back then, there are some quotes that I fail to believe, especially the ones pertaining to beauty.

I used to cringe or smirk at phrases like "Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder" or "Beauty is skin deep". I always thought that those are phrases that the-not-so-beautiful people say just to make themselves feel better. Really pathetic, and I chose to rebel against the phrases because I feel that in reality, BEAUTY does make a difference.

So, back during my pre-Farah era, (pre-Farah era = when I am still a non-Muslim) I used to apply make up on my face because I thought that is the definition of beauty. I used to read CLEO and gaze in awe at the skinny models and the make ups they get to wear. I also used to feel jealous towards those 'prettier' than me and I always try to make myself look pretty and seeing myself transformed from my self-acclaimed dull looking self, with the aid of Maybelline, it made me feel confident and I was so sure that I am beautiful ONLY when I applied make up. I hated my appearance so much that sometimes I think it is unfair that I am the only girl among my siblings but was born ugly. I know deep down, I know that I am not really that ugly but still, my past experiences have trampled my self esteem into pieces and the wound inflicted to my self esteem is so severe that I am still having post-traumatic symptoms with regards to that matter.

I wanted my eyes to be bigger(because I have almond shaped eyes like the Chinese people do even though I am not Chinese). I also want my skin to be fairer, so I spend lots, trying all the brilliant products, jumping from one product to another in just merely a few months, simply because they don't show any effect. Alhamdulillah, I am lucky that my skin is not damaged due to excessive change of facial products. Believe me, I've tried lots. Name it; Biore, Garnier, Fair & Lovely, Clean & Clear, Sendayu Tinggi, T3, Nano White, Bio essence, The Body Shop, Skin Food, and currently, Tia Amelia.

I grew up becoming a diligent beauty product consumer. I even went to do facial treatments and for those that have met me in person, you know I don't actually need to. I know my skin is okay but my heart, again and again, defied my logic simply because I am still bounded to my past self. I used to think that, being 'beautiful' is the only way to make the guys look at me. Uh, so pathetic. T_T
But now, I don't even want them to look at me, because Islam gave me iman, and with iman, I guess I gained modesty. MashaAllah, this is the beauty of Islam. :) After all, modesty is an ingredient of iman (faith). [Sahih Muslim]

Alhamdulillah, when I become a Muslim, I was enlightened by the fact that the phrases that I used to hate, is actually relevant and the real definition of beauty lies within. I came to learn that a beautiful person is someone who look pass the superficial and came to acknowledge that they are beautiful when they have iman in their hearts. The nur radiates from within and people who saw you will feel calmed and mesmerized, not by your beautiful appearance, but by the beauty of your akhlaq. Yes, akhlaq. Beautiful akhlaq is much more important than having a pretty face, simply because, Allah doesn't care about how you look, what He cares about is what is in your heart. If you have a blackened, sin filled heart, you are not beautiful, at all. Only a heart that is sincere and in constant remembrance of Allah that is deemed worthy.

When we die, the thing that the angels, Munkar and Nakir will ask you will not be,

1. What is your beauty regime?
2. What is the secret to your flawless beauty?
3. What is the product that you used to attain beauty?

Reflect, reflect and reflect.

But of course, not applying make up on your face doesn't mean that you have to go around with a pale and dull looking face, and not taking care of how you will look like. Just a little face powder will do but don't overdo it that you almost look like those classic Chinese opera performers. Take care of your hygiene which is also important. After all, Allah loves that which is beautiful, and by beautiful, I don't mean America's Next Top Model beautiful. Make sure you look presentable and not like a cheap horror movie reject. Especially for muslimah, make sure you look 'happy' wearing the hijab so as not to give the idea that we are being 'oppressed' to the non-Muslims. "_"

Definitely the ones that will be deemed beautiful are the ones that will be raised from their graves during the day of Qiamah with radiant and cheerful faces.

"Some faces, that Day, will beam (in brightness and beauty)"

[al-Qiyama, 40:22]

and

"And some faces, that Day, will be sad and dismal"

[al-Qiyama, 40:24]

Audzubillah min dzalik.

May we return to Him with faces that is na'imah(joyful) ,musfirah(bright) and nadhirah(radiant). InshaAllah.

"The real meaning of pious devotion(taqwa) is that if you were to gather up everything that is in your heart, set it on an uncovered tray and then walk around the market with it, there would be nothing there to make you feel embarrassed."

Astaghfirullaha rabbi min kulli dhanbin wa 'atubu ilayhi. I seek forgiveness from my Lord for every sin and to Him I turn (in repentance).

Jumu'ah barakah and salam alaik. May you have a blessed day inshaAllah. :)

With love from Kubang Kerian, Kelantan,
The Rocking Hijab.

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Short poem

2011-11-17T17:31:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

When all hopes seems lost as they sometimes will,
perhaps it is time to analyze what is real,
when it seems that we have lost it all,
perhaps it is time to lay the mat and admit your fall,
when nobody seems to be there and they're all gone,
perhaps it is time to return to The One Alone.

-The Rocking Hijab-

InshaAllah, it will be okay. :)

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Fears

2011-11-17T13:38:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

Fears. What are they really?

Fear can be developed in many ways. It can come from our past experiences, or even from our own presumption. We fear what we don't know, and also we fear from the past that we really try to forget. But the funny thing is, the way it works, as how I see it, the more you try to run away from something, the longer it will linger by your side until you yourself gave up and succumbed, admitting to your defeat.

Right now, I feel drowned in my sea of fears, flailing my arms desperately trying to get help, trying to seek attention from whatever or whoever that is near to me. But I forgot there is only one that can save me from this suffocation that I am experiencing, that is Allah. Allah the Almighty. Did I not always remind myself that there is no strength and might save by the will of Allah?

I apologize for those who might have wanted to seek motivation from me through my writings but this is the kind of posts I am bound to write lately. This explains pretty much why I have been putting myself in isolation for a while, and I am sorry to have fallen into this ongoing unmotivated state. It is intermittent but definitely recurrent. I have been fighting for my own that I forgot to sit and wait for the storm to end. It is as if I know that there is a storm brewing but I keep on adjusting my sails though I could have just waited for the weather to clear up a bit. In short, what I am doing to myself is futile and it is not going anywhere.

I could have been stronger for a bit, but in the end, I feel nothing. Nothing excites me, because nothing seems to be sure in my life of lately.

I know that, someday, I will be able to go back to the house that I call home. I know that, someday, I will be able to see my siblings once again. I know that, someday, my father will gradually accept me.

But of course, I am not certain of the time, nor am I certain of anything to this moment. I am not even certain that I will be able to finish dental school, and thoughts of uncertainty keeps flooding my limited space of mind and last night, I felt something snapped inside.

Being strong is never a choice, it is just the only option I have left.

Other reverts out there that I see, maintained strong and upbeat, but me? What is happening to me and why am I the only one like this?

In the end, I am not as strong as I claimed to be. It was merely a mask to hide from my own weak identity. So then, who am I, really?

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Fab 3

2011-11-13T06:29:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

Tomorrow will mark the third year after the first time i witness myself uttering the shahadah. So I'm gonna be exactly 3 years old tomorrow and boy, only Allah knows the things that i have experienced during this period. But still, alhamdulillah, it is all in the past now and though it has been almost 3 years being a Muslim, i feel that there hasn't been enough changes in myself for me to be proud of. Heck, do i even feel proud of myself?

But I am grateful for being able to live freely as a Muslim, though of course, being free comes with it's own risk.

During this 9 days break, a lot of things have happened and alhamdulillah, i am somewhat enlightened through some of the mini events that happened in this period.

As of last Saturday, it so happens that i went to pay a visit to my younger brother who is currently studying in INTI Nilai. Remembering the hurt that i felt when my mum informed that my dad was really angry at her for letting my younger bro go for an outing with me.

And who exactly am I, dad?

I learned to not care about the hurt that i felt because i know, my dad is only being like this because he is being ignorant.

For Eid Adha, I missed watching people performing the qurban but it doesn't spoil the mood or anything. I have only started celebrating Eid Adha for 3 years so really, how much did i miss anyways? Not much, that's for sure.

But really, in this 3 years, i have watched myself grow and alhamdulillah, in a good way but of course, painfully. Trying to cope up with everything really overwhelms me at times, but yeah, this too shall pass.

Unfortunately, it seems, i am starting to lose my mojo when it comes to writing. Sigh. Hopefully this state will eventually regress. InshaAllah.

So, a question to ponder on:

How long have we been a Muslim and how much have we accomplished in our preparation for akhirah?

Oh and yeah,

how long have we ACTUALLY been a Muslim, in the sense of REALLY REALLY being a Muslim and not just having the title as merely one of the info printed on paper to prove that we are a Muslim?

Till we meet again and salam alaik.

With much love from Shah Alam,
The Rocking Hijab.

ps: Akan bertolak pulang ke Kelantan pukul 9 malam ni. Doakan keselamatan. :)

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

The flat line that i dread

2011-11-10T07:49:00.003+08:00

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

These past few days, i have been wondering about the same thing over and over again. Well actually i was wondering why i am not writing as frequent, and well, i concluded it was because i am currently in a state of plateau in my life, where things doesn't get any easier or harder. If i can put my life into a graph, i think it would just be a constant, flat horizontal line and right now, i can't seem to guess, whether the graph will go up or if it will go the other way around.

Sometimes i wished for things to get a little bit complicated or maybe for something really exciting to happen, because being in a state like this, made me feel as if I have lost His attention. I'm one attention seeker, aren't I? *smirks*

However, i know that i'm just being greedy so maybe, this state that i'm currently in is a test itself, to see whether i would abide to Him in times of complacence.

I don't know if i'm already used to the pain, but lately, since a few weeks ago, i don't seem to care that much about my father's issue, and though i am happy now, i am not sure whether to regard my state as a blessing or a curse. To me, it seems that my father's issue is no longer the threshold for my pain, which would only mean one thing; greater pain is waiting ahead and it's waiting to jump on me, at the moment when i'm most unprepared.......

Or maybe, this is a sign that my misery has ended and that i should be grateful for that? I'm confused, and afraid...am I neglected? :(

If i'm already rewarded with contentment here in dunya, then what will happen to my share in Jannah, where bliss is eternal? I am worried, really but i know, it's no use to worry about something that's merely a mind play.

In the end, i think, my situation, be it the calm before the storm or be it the rainbow that came after the rain, in any way, i have to be prepared...be very prepared indeed.

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Slaughtered

2011-11-06T11:42:00.001+08:00

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

As of yesterday, I was wondering how I should celebrate Eid Adha. I'm clueless and though I did went through Eid Adha in the previous years, I was merely copying what they do and I have no memories of how to celebrate Eid Adha, the proper way. So, yesterday, i was reminded with the significance of Eid Adha, and Eid Adha is actually a celebration of sacrifice.

I was reminded by the sacrifice that the prophet Ibrahim a.s. did as he slaughtered his attachment to his only son for the love of God. And also, I was reminded by my own sacrifice as I slaughter my attachments to my own family, for the sake of going on this path I'm treading. La hawla walla quwwata illa billah, truly, there is no might and strength except by Allah.

Imagine asking for strength to severe your attachments to your own parents, and mashaAllah, He grant your wish!

You are pained, for slaughter isn't painless, and what's being slaughtered is your heart. Imagine your heart aching, but you readily surrender yourself to Him, though you know you will be greatly pained. But for that pain, He gave you something more, something that you actually need, that is attachment to the Lord Himself. Allahuakbar! How great is Allah!

Sometimes you grieved over your loss, but then you cried more, but out of syukur because you realized you would have been far more miserable if you were to lose Allah over worldly things...Allah, how great is this love You gave me!

Alhamdulillah for the enlightenment, which I wouldn't have gotten if not by His will. Alhamdulillah.

This is a short post, but I hope it will touch souls. InshaAllah.

May we all be able to contemplate on the true meaning of Eid Adha, inshaAllah.

Salam alaik warahmatullah.

With lots of love from Seremban,

The Rocking Hijab.

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

F is for Friends

2011-11-04T12:41:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

I have been wondering about this, but have you heard of the saying, if you really want to know yourself, then look at 5 or 10 of your closest friends?

Funny thing is, my friends, i mean, my closest friends are somehow, varied. And even if i were to describe us physical wise, you will see that we are really different from each other, but somehow, they are the people that DO care about me.

Then what does that make me? Someone complicated i guess.

I have all sorts of friends, from the crazy wacko type to the goody two shoes type. So sometimes i am somewhat confused, well,at the statement i mean. but then again, i believe, friends do not necessarily make who you are. You determine who you are and that's it i guess.

I have kpop loving friends, annoying ones but annoying in an amusing way, gleeks, Islamic conference loving friends, stylish friends, messy friends, chatty, quiet, i'm telling u, not one of us are alike.

But i finally figured out what made us stick together no matter how different we are from each other, it was the ability of acceptance.

Accepting each and everyone's individuality is the key ingredient to an ongoing friendship, in special relationships even.

But as a Muslim, I am aware that we need to be picky when it comes to friends. If someone you're befriending is becoming a poison to your deen, then you will have to turn the friendship into enmity, because the deen is above all. Did we not swear to protect our deen with our lives by proclaiming our faith with our heart?

But as long as they are not threat to our imaan and faith, i say why not be friends? Be nice to everyone, but of course this act is quite difficult to do when you're being nice to someone who keeps on trying to hurt you. So being merciful towards His creations sometimes means by not doing anything at all.

So, let's be friends with everyone, if you really are a Muslim, because Islam also means peace, so being a Muslim makes you a person who makes peace with His creations, be them insan or not.

Side dish:

I am going to spend my 9 days break in Shah Alam. Sorry if i caused any inconvenience in the past few weeks. Last but not least, salam jumu'ah and salam eid adha~

With lots of love,

The Rocking Hijab.

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Twins of Faith event!!!!

2011-10-31T18:24:00.002+08:00

Salam alaik warahmatullah wabarakatuh,

I am here to bring you great news! There's this cool event coming to Malaysia and you really don't wanna miss it!

Twins of Faith: Knowledge and Action

The Biggest Malaysian Islamic
Family Festival for 2011!

24th & 25th December 2011,

Putrajaya International Convention Centre (PICC), Putrajaya

Be prepared for the biggest Family Festival of the year!

What to expect?

Heart softening lectures from amazing speakers from around the World

Breathtaking Islamic exhibitions

Interactive workshops to benefit you in your personal and professional life

Uplifting nasheeds and poetry from world famous artists

Colourful Bazaars for all your shopping needs

Exciting Kids Zone to educate and keep children entertained

Beneficial talks and activities in the Mothers' Room including live coverage from the Main Auditorium

My tix-es~ Saje enlarge besar2 bagi jeles sikit. Heheh~

I already got my tickets, how about you???

For more info, go to this website or go like their facebook page here!

See you there!

Oh and for those living in Wangsa Maju area, you can contact a good friend of mine to get your tickets!

Here's her contact info:
Zafirah

019-6691219

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Why am I still praying?

2011-10-15T08:41:00.000+08:00

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

When I was jogging earlier, I couldn't help but think about everything that's happening in my life right now. Well, the reason I jogged is actually to take my mind for a walk and analyze everything so that I can decide on what to do in order to solve my worries/problems. So, you may say that my jogging is my very own corporate meeting. LOS(Laughs Out Silently)

So, as I was walking back to the hostel, a thought suddenly arise.

I've endured hardships and almost everything else resulted from me embracing this faith. No matter how hard I make du'a, things doesn't seem to get easier.

So the question was,

"Why am I still praying?

and I was pondering on it relentlessly until I finally came up with the answer I need. This came in mind.

Well, the very reason we can't help but to follow our parents' orders, no matter if they are good/bad parents.

The answer is OBEDIENCE.

When I chose Islam, I submitted myself willfully to Allah and His decree. Since Islam is the religion of submission to none other than Allah, I realized how much that changed me.

To tell you the truth, in my pre-Farah era, I was nowhere near a goody-two-shoes when it comes to obeying parents. I was a nightmare to my parents and the only thing that kept them patient with me is my academic performances. To my dad, money is everything, nothing else matters. So my education comes first, no matter how ill-behaved i am, if i showed him good results, he would not care about anything else. It was as simple as that.

So when I submitted to Allah, I was told that Allah loves those who obeyed their parents. This was almost the hardest task yet for me to fulfill as I am nowhere near a loving daughter. Usually my reasons to even call home is either to ask for money or to inform them the date of my upcoming exam. So when I tried calling home, this time just to ask about their wellbeings, my mum was so shocked that she blurted out, "Apa mimpi tiba-tiba ni?".

To tell you the truth, I was quite hurt and I felt rejected, but of course, that didn't stop me from trying. Alhamdulillah, that very act was the very base of what caused my mum to be able to travel across the South China Sea by plane to meet me. MashaAllah! And that act was 3 years ago, when I was still 18. If I hadn't started trying to reach out to my mum, we wouldn't have been so close and she wouldn't have accepted my choice of faith that well.

But of course, the only party left out in this situation is my dad. Even back then, nothing seems to please him. I wondered how my dad's mind works and I couldn't help but think, he was the reason for me to be like this. I have grown up to feel the need to try gain my father's appreciation but now I just couldn't care less. I've had enough I guess but still, without him, i wouldn't be here. He could have easily thrown me into the river or just leave me with my grandma when I was sick as a child but he still kept me and raised me up, though he kept so high of an expectation for me that I sometimes feel like bursting due to the pressure.

But of course, even I have high hopes for my future child, what more of someone who are being parents?

I couldn't blame him for trying to make me the best. If only I could make him realize that human can never play God. If only I can make him accept that we can only plan, but the decision is then is up to Allah.

I guess I did inherit some of my dad's elusiveness of admitting of being weak. I wouldn't want to show people that I am weak, simply because I want them to think I can handle everything on my own.

But again, human can never play God.

The rules are,

ASK. LET GO. And LET GOD.

So why don't we just stick to this one rule and forget about everything else? Why worry ourselves with things that's out of our hands?

This is my weekly tazkirah and this one's for you The Rocking Hijab.

Salam alaikum and may your day be blessed.

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Dear Walad

2011-10-07T14:50:00.002+08:00

*walad = child

The Rocking Hijab 17 years ago, aged 4.

Dear walad,

I don't even know whether I would have you at all but still, I'll just assume that I might get married one day and was given the opportunity to become a mother. InshaAllah. Right now, you're probably somewhere in His presence, proclaiming your servitude to Our Lord, but like me, only to forget about it after you're born into this world. And I think it is to be my responsibility to remind you of that, and to remind you how lucky you are to be born into this world as a Muslim.

Probably when you're reading this letter with me later on in life, I might not be as lively and as young as I have been when I am writing this, and know that when I'm writing this to you, I am 6 days away from entering my 21st birthday and I am still single. I might feel embarrassed by this letter later on since I might be all motherly and not so 'rocking' like I am right now. But I'm just gonna write this anyway.

This letter is triggered by someone asking about how I came to Islam and since I think I never wrote it down properly, so I thought 'Why not?'. You might know by now that your mum here is once a non-Muslim and you might know that your maternal grandparents weren't like other kids'. Perhaps. I could've written it simply like my previous posts but then again, I suddenly think of you and as all pre-mothers(if there's such a word) do, I have high hopes in your wellbeing and in your surviving this era we know as the 'akhir zaman' or the end of time. To tell you the truth, I hope that I'll be able to educate you well, at least in preparing you to go through these hard times and that you'll be raised a good Muslim. Ameen.

Now that I've given you an introduction, I'll begin narrating my whole life journey until now, because my journey to Islam started from the day I was born and I hope to share it, not just with you, but with people who came across this letter. May they be able to benefit from this letter.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

In the name of Allah,

Most Gracious, Most Merciful,

Praise be to Allah,

the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,

and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

I was born in a humble district hospital somewhere in a small town in Sarawak to a happily married couple. I was born a Christian, a Catholic to be exact and I have been raised to follow the religion I'm born into devoutly. However, as much as my parents try to make me to go to church, I would have to be dragged to go because I'd rather watch the Sunday cartoons on the tele rather than devote myself to God.

At the age of 5, I was baptised and at the age of 8, I was given my first bible. The bible for children version. I read and read but couldn't make sense what the bible was trying to tell me. My mum used to prepare my clothes to go to church and she couldn't make me wear a skirt even if my life depended on it. Since I was 7, I have been extremely shy with boys and I would avoid talking to them as much as possible. I never wanted to become a nun like my friends do and I would just play around when we go to church. Sunday would be my most hated day because I don't like going to the church. The people of the church are nice and warm but I just couldn't make myself like going to the church. Most of my peers would just follow the religion blindly without questioning. Once I questioned my mum about the trinity concept and she told me not ask her that ever again because it's not good to question things pertaining the religion. So I kept my mouth shut but of course, they can shut my mouth but they can't shut my brain.

I remembered once my mum prepared pork for lunch and I just got back from school at that time. I told her that we can't eat pork because it's haraam. I heard it from my Muslim friends at school so being an innocent child, I told her straightaway. Her face changed and she threatened to slap me if I ever mentioned that again. So for as long as I was living under the roof of my family's house, I would shut up when it comes to religion but on that fateful 17th of February, 2003, I left home for the first time to pursue my Form 1 at a boarding school in Selangor. Since I was the only Christian there, it was not possible for me to go to church so I feel free. I also made a lot of Muslim friends since most of my peers are Malays. A few weeks later, I was already assimilating to the Malay Muslim culture and I guess that's when I first take a close look at how the Muslims practice their religion.

I would marvel at how they prayed 5 times a day because I couldn't even stand to go to church once a week! I would observe but I never said anything, but deep in my heart, I feel that Islam is interesting. I have always been a curious person and when I went to the library, I would open up Muslim story books about the prophets, especially about Moses and Jesus. I would always question, since Islam and Christians have something in common, 'Does Islam copy Christians or was it the other way?' But I kept that question to myself for fear that my friends might feel weird if I ask them that all of a sudden.

As time goes by, I started copying what my Muslim friends did. When they fast, I fast, just for the sake of feeling what it's like to fast. Once when I am in form 5, I wore the hijab for the first time because I wanted to join the Maulud Rasul parade. It was a very great experience for me and I swear I never wanted to take it off. I feel safe and protected, since I was a very shy person. It feels that wearing the hijab boosted my confidence. So when I am in form 5, I decided that if I should become a Muslim one day, I would do so when I started working so that if I'm thrown out of the house, at least, I am already independent by then. I remembered clearly, one night, weeks before SPM, I woke up in the middle of the night and started to make du'a, the way Muslims do, with the palms facing upwards, I ask of Allah, 'Dear Allah, please make me a Muslim, no matter how the journey will take me. Please ease my journey to become a Muslim. Please please please...' I pleaded and pleaded until I can plead no more because I hoped that He will listen to my prayer though I do not prostrate to Him. Not knowing much about Islam back then, I already decided that Islam is the way to go and I kept with that intention until form 5 ends.

After form 5, I was chosen to join the National Service, which I kinda missed but then, it was a, how should I say, confusing moment for me. In the National Service, I made friends with my Catholic friend and I started to frequent the church for the first time in my life. I thought perhaps I was inclined to Islam because I left church for so long so I 'repented'. My dad also seems to detect something was off with me and told me that 'every religion is the same. No religion taught its followers to do evil.' I was influenced by my pluralist dad and I seem to think for a while that, perhaps I have been wrongly following my intuitions before. So I went to the church every Sunday, in hope that I would be a good Christian. But then I couldn't help feeling that there's a void in my heart, despite how I devoted myself to being a good Christian at that time.

When the SPM result came out, I managed to get an excellent result entitling me to a scholarship to do dentistry in India. It so happens that I was given 3 Muslim housemates and the system then was supposed to group Muslims and non-Muslims in the same house. However, seeing my name has a 'binti', they thought that I might be a Muslim with a funny Christian name. =_=" Anyway, I never bothered to change since I feel comfortable with Malays better than with non-Muslims because I was so used to Malay Muslim friends.

Being in the same house with my Muslim friends, I can observe their daily activities and when they got pamphlets from the Islamic society, I used to read them too because of my curious nature. I started to lean towards Islam again and this time, I was really determined that I want to be a Muslim, however only after I started working. Months went by and one day, I finally told my housemate of my intention to become a Muslim. It was merely a conversation for me but my friend took it seriously. She told the college's president of the Islamic society and the president wanted to meet me. I just told him what I felt, not knowing where it'll lead me. He then told me that some seniors want to meet me and so, I thought, 'Okay, why not?' and went along with that. To tell you the truth I was not even serious. But the meeting changed everything.

I met with a brother and 2 sisters, and they sat in front of me, while I feel as if I'm interrogated. Actually I'm not alone since there's my housemate and the president accompanying me. Perhaps I was kind of nervous. We talked and chatted for a while until one of the seniors asked me a very provocative(for me back then) question.

"Are you really serious in wanting to become a Muslim?"

Again, I am actually not serious about it but the question strucked a cord. I replied defiantly "Of course I am. Why would I see you if I'm not serious?" I was actually surprised by my own answer so then I added, "But only after I start working perhaps. At least by then I am already independent." After a few more exchange of questions and later, exchanging numbers, we dismissed and I went back to my apartment and lay down on the bed. I was all burnt out by the meeting and while I was lying down on my back, I thought to myself, what if I will not make it? Are you sure you'll live in the next five years??? Thinking of not dying as a Muslim terrified me enormously that I fell asleep a few seconds later. Later, the same night, one of the seniors that met me earlier in the evening drop by to my apartment, just to say hi and see how i'm doing.

I remembered the four of us, me, my housemates and the senior sitting in a circle, with me questioning the senior all kinds of questions. I have always been a meticulous person and I asked her whatever I wanted to.

'Is it compulsory that I pray right after I become a Muslim? Of course I would have to learn first..'

'No, learn slowly step by step.'

'Won't I sin? Because you know, I wouldn't want to stray from Islam. I want to be a good Muslim. I want to do everything right.'

'Don't worry. Allah knows, Allah understands.'

I keep asking questions and to each of my questions, she calmly answered and repeatedly saying that Allah knows, Allah understands. Hearing that soothes my heart and until one point, I have no more questions to ask. My mind went blank. I was in deep monologue with myself while the senior and my housemates looked at me weirdly because I was quiet all of a sudden.

'Are you gonna keep questioning? You know it, these are all excuses. Come on laaa.'

My thoughts keep on provoking me, until I came to one decision. I was like 'Apa nak jadi, jadilaaaa. I don't care anymore!' and I asked the senior, 'Sis, how should I say the syahadah?'

She was surprised but she told me she might not be the right person to teach me that since she's a revert. My housemate said the syahadah and when I repeated it, tears came flowing out of nowhere and I was feeling blissful. For the first time, I feel the void in my heart is filled! They hugged me, crying together on that fateful night. On the night of the 14th of November 2008, I become a Muslim. Alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear walad,

I hope that my pre-Farah journey will greatly benefit you but of course, after I become a Muslim, my path started to become rocky and hard, nevertheless, always remember that it is better to become a servant of Allah with problems rather than a problem-free disbeliever. For Islam, I gave up almost everything that I have. I left my family, left my ego and faced every hardship with a contented heart. Because I have Allah, I don't need anything else. Though I may sigh and cry at times, that is normal for we are human, and our imaan have its ups and downs. Just don't stay down too long alright? May Allah ease our journey for us. Indeed, a person is not given a test unfit for his or her strength. All in all, la hawla quwwata illa billah, there's no strength and might except by Allah. I pray that I will be a devout and pious Muslim and Mu'min, so that I may raise you up to become a good servant of Allah. But for things to change, I must change first. I have always believed that to educate the child, you have to educate the parents first. InshaAllah, you will be fine. Till then, salam alaik.

With unconditional love,

Your mother in the next few years to come.

ps: I can't believe I'm writing something this corny. *slaps forehead* Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa~ >_<

Oh and also a reminder to myself and to all who came across this cheesy letter,

taken from Facebook

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

An advice from a revert to a revert

2011-09-13T11:34:00.000+08:00

Assalamualaikum sister,

I may be not one to comment on this, but I feel that I need to share with you something, though my life may not be as hard as yours.

I am also a Muslim convert, like you. I become a Muslim 3 years ago, at the age of 18. Before I become a Muslim, I was a Christian Catholic. I was an A student, my family is happy with me and before I become a Muslim, I was offered to go to India to do A-Levels and pursue a degree in Dentistry under JPA scholarship. My life back then was free of problems.

On the 14th of November 2008, I proclaimed the syahadah after I decided to become a Muslim. Starting from that, things start to change.

I failed to accomplish the required pointer to go to India, and as a result, I have to stay at home for 7 months straight. I haven't told my parents yet about me becoming a Muslim as I was so scared that I might get beaten by my father as I was all alone in my home in Sarawak. I have no contacts there, no friends, unlike when I was in Sepang(when I was doing my A-Levels).

That time, I still have a lot I don't know and since I am hiding my conversion, I prayed in secret behind locked doors. Since my family is Christian, my mum sometimes bring pork back to the house and sometimes, astaghfirullah, I am forced to eat them even though I know I cannot eat them anymore. I cannot wear the tudung and I have to go to church because I cannot say I can't go.

Things was very stressful for me because my dad is also not talking to me because he was so disappointed that I don't get to fly to India. People are talking about me around us as I was the top student in my town and everyone treats me as if I am a disgrace, as though I have done something bad. This is my first time failing to accomplish something so everyone was making a big deal about it, especially my dad. At the time when I need support, my own parents turn against me and I nearly thought of suicide because I can't stand the pressure anymore.

Because I can't fly to India, I have to search for a university to study by myself. In Malaysia, not a lot of university accept A-Levels, only USM and UIA. So I was pinning my hope on those two to accept me because I want to practise Islam and get out of the house. My result was 3 C's and I was applying for dentistry course because JPA will only sponsor me for that course. 3 C's!! That's 2.00 pointer and the requirement for dentistry course is 3.50 and above.

Even though I know it was almost impossible and I'm sure the university will reject me, I prayed that Allah help me somehow. I prayed and prayed and prayed despite things are going worst when the first rejection letter from UIA came to me. I almost gave up when suddenly USM called me for interview. And alhamdulillah, subhanAllah, despite knowing my academic result, the dean of the School of Dental Sciences accepted me.

So my 7 months of torture at home ended when I entered USM Kubang Kerian. And I thought it stops there. I failed my every test in USM and my grade was the worst among the dental students in my batch. I am not exagerrating but this is true. To make the things worst, somehow I am not listed among the receiver of JPA scholars and when I asked, they told me that I was supposed to get the scholarship but there was some technical error so my name got skipped out. So I have reapply once again and wait for things to be settled by JPA.

In the same time, I just told my parents about me becoming a Muslim and my father disowned me, cutting all ties with me and stopped sending me money. I was stressed again because I don't have the money to pay for the school fees and money to eat but alhamdulillah, some nice people helped me get the zakat and the zakat money enabled me to pay for my school fees. Zakat's keep pouring in, and unknown strangers keep leaving money at my doorstep and this lasted for 8 months!

After 8 months, my scholarship issue finally settled and again, I thought, maybe this time something good will come because I am tired of experiencing hardship. But then again, Allah tested me again. I failed my first year exam and as a result, I have to repeat my first year. My parents were fighting because my mum finally accepted me but my dad still holds on to his ego. After my first year exam, I had 4 months holiday and I don't have anywhere to go. I moved from one place to another after a few weeks stay and I have to tell you, living at someone else's home is not that great. I moved from Kelantan to Perak then to KL then to Perak again and then to KL and finally returned to Kelantan to start my first year again just a few days ago.

In those 4 months, I experienced getting kicked out of someone's house, getting ridiculously low salary for a job when I worked part time. I have had a hard time but I keep on praying that maybe, all these was just a test for me so that I may get stronger. I held on to this one ayat from the Qur'an,

"Allah burdens not a person beyond his scope. He gets reward for that (good) which he has earned, and he is punished for that (evil) which he has earned. "Our Lord! Punish us not if we forget or fall into error, our Lord! Lay not on us a burden like that which You did lay on those before us (Jews and Christians); our Lord! Put not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Pardon us and grant us Forgiveness. Have mercy on us. You are our Maula (Patron, Supporter and Protector, etc.) and give us victory over the disbelieving people. "[ Baqarah, 2: 286]

My dear sister,

why I am still a Muslim despite all these struggles, I believe Allah has greater plans. If we compare our struggles with the people before us, maybe their struggles is even worst. I also believed that Allah makes it hard for me because He knows it is 'hard' for me to leave Islam.

I may not be one to advise you about this, since I am still 21 and single, what more that I am a complete stranger. But know this, I know that it is very hard for you and I am telling this out of my love for Allah and for His creation, you, and I also believe this is my effort to help you because I know how that felt.

Until now, my life haven't been as smooth as it was like before I become a Muslim but I thank Allah anyway, for giving me His hidayah.

I think, life as a Muslim with a lot of hardship is way better than being a problem free non-Muslim, because at least as a Muslim you have Allah. And when you have Allah, who needs everything else?

Also, ask yourself this, do you sincerely believe that if you convert back things will change?

Things around us will just get more difficult and sometimes hard to bear but if we try to change the unchangeable, it will be much harder for us. So change something that you can change, that is, yourself. By yourself, I mean, your way of thinking. Try to change our mindset by thinking, "This will pass." everytime you are afflicted with tests.

My prayers is with you dear sister. Keep holding on.

Sincerely,

Nur Farah Syakirah,
Your sister in Islam.

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Le Reunion

2011-09-01T20:53:00.000+08:00

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim,

In the name of Allah, The All Compassionate, The All Merciful,

As promised, I will now share about what happened when my mum came here to KL.

On the night of 30th of August, I packed a few things and went on my way to KLIA by train. I arrived at approximately 11 p.m. and thus I wait for my mum because her plane will arrive at about 12.19 a.m. As I wait, I couldn't help but wonder at my mum's possible reactions at my hijab clad head. Another fact that you should know, I wore my usual attire because I followed my heart instincts, thinking it would be best to show my mum that I take heed and follow my choice of faith accordingly. First impressions are everything, I assure you, as I have had my fair share of experience involving first impressions and believe me, you wouldn't want to know how bad it can be if you fail to present a good FIRST impression of yourself.

When the time came, I waited near the arrival gate because I wanted to greet my mum before she saw me first. When I saw a familiar figure, I called out to her and she turned her head towards me and smiled. I repeat, she turned her head towards me AND SMILED.

And I was expecting this. (see picture below)

Oh my what happened to you?

But instead, I saw this.

Oh, hello there!

Mind you, I saw her first before she even saw me so I can see her face VERY CLEARLY. I thanked Allah in my heart that her first impression of me was okay(at least, that's what I saw on the outside). We chatted as if there was no gap at all between us and when we arrived at the hotel, after both of us were about to sleep, my mum talked to me about things, kind of like a heart-to-heart conversation and we chatted until we drifted off to sleep. I mean, it has been a year since I last went home, so I was really glad we caught up on a few things. Like how my mischievous little brother got even naughtier by day, and how things are at home. I was kind of disappointed at some of the things she told me, particularly regarding to my dad's issue. My dad's issue encompasses a lot of things, not just about me but other things as well.

So, the next day, we went down to the lobby and as we checked out of the hotel, the receptionist was eyeing us with an astonished look so my mother patted me on the back while proudly saying to the hotel receptionist, "This is my daughter." I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by this gesture. Alhamdulillah.

Later, as planned, we went to INTI Nilai by cab to meet with my younger brother and to tell you the truth, I was kind of nervous about it because I just told him about me being a Muslim only a few days prior to our meeting. I was anticipating some kind of gap but he's very much like my mum, all cool and calm. As if the hijab don't even matter. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

After we did some sightseeing at my brother's room and college, we went on our way to Keramat, where I am staying currently as my host family had invited my mum and brother to come ziarah Hari Raya at the house. About maybe an hour later, we went on our way to Low Yatt as my dad had asked my mum to buy him his Kaspersky antivirus and external DVD player. After Low Yatt, we went to Sogo and went shopping for clothes, using the budget that MY DAD had given to US(including me). My dad even passed a duit raya packet to me with this written on it.

To (my name),

Always do your best.

Daddy

I was shocked but my mum was even more surprised. We kind of laughed about it(sorry Daddy) because we are so, so, so surprised. Okay, perhaps I have emphasized our shock enough. :P

Before I forget to mention, (fyi, by now, you should have noticed that my blog posts was never on draft, I typed it according to what I was thinking at that moment and immediately publish the post. That is why my posts was always so random, quite unorganized) we were sent by my host family to the Low Yatt complex and before we went out of the car, my mum said something to the host family that SHOCKED me, yet again.

"Thank you very much for taking care of Farah."

I can't believe that my mum, MY VERY OWN MOTHER, say out my Muslim name, and yet, some people fail to call me by that name, saying that they were so used to calling me S(my pre-Muslim name). I think my mum is waaaaaay more used to calling me by my pre-Muslim name and yet, she made that effort. Food for thought.

Anyway, after we went back to Nilai after our little(did I say little?) shopping spree, my younger brother salam-ed my hand(the way Malay Muslims salam-ed the elders) and I was so touched by his acceptance. :')

That night, me and my mum skipped our chat and went straight to bed since she will be having an early flight the next day. When tomorrow came, I felt queasy inside, and I know I will really miss her. Before she boarded her plane, she hugged me and when she was about to leave, I saw tears in her eyes. I can't help but feel teary as well but I held it in. She finally left and I headed back to Keramat, just this morning.

When I arrived, I went to my room and cried and cried and cried until I fell asleep. After I woke up, I stopped crying and feeling much better, I went out of the room and talked to my host's mum. She revealed something that made me feel teary again, and this is what she told me.

Yesterday, when I was eating, my mum was chatting with my host's mum and she told her this, as she cried.

"I don't mind about her embracing Islam as long as she follow her religion properly. Please take care of her."

She also mentioned that my mum cried because she pitied my fate, having to face a lot of things and not being able to go back to my own home. Oh mummy... :'(

My dear readers,

what you are reading here is not a mere fairytale. This is a story of a mother's unconditional love, how that love brought her to her child, though she have to travel alone for that sake. This is a story of how love brought two people together, despite their different faith and belief. This, is a story of a Christian mother, trying to be strong for her Muslim daughter, to give her daughter strength and hope, despite everything that happened to her. This, is a story of a woman, striving to carry out her duty as a mother to her child, no matter what.

This, is a story of love.

A mother's love transgresses all, and we can't help but acknowledge how Allah's love is far beyond that. For if not for His ever sufficient rahmah, I wouldn't have realized how deep is a mother's love to her child, no matter what happens.

This year's Eid is the best Eid ever, alhamdulillahirahmanirrahim.....all praise be to Allah, The All Compassionate, The All Merciful...

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

A Combo of Goodness

2011-08-24T16:13:00.001+08:00

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim,

In the name of Allah, The All Compassionate, The All Merciful,

Alhamdulillah for all the great things in life, no matter what they involve.

Yesterday, after Maghrib, I recited the Quran as usual, though reluctant. I am still experiencing difficulties in my recitation and this is quite a challenge(I try not to use the word 'obstacle') for me to overcome. But I believe I will only become fluent if I make it a habit, though how strenuous the session may feel. Sometimes I feel like running an amok when I have to repeat the same ayat(yes, ayat, not surah) over and over again that I feel like I nearly lose confidence in ever being fluent in my recitation of the Holy Book. The only thing that helps me contain myself and be patient about my lacking is this hadith.

Daripada Aisyah r.ha.
Rasulullah SAW bersabda: “orang yang mahir membaca al-Quran, darjatnya sama dengan malaikat yang mulia. Dan orang yang membaca al-Quran sedang dia tersekat-sekat (belum mahir) dan terasa berat lagi lidahnya, dia akan mendapat dua pahala.” (Riwayat Muslim)

So, yesterday I was reciting as usual, and when I flip to the next page, I saw "Surah Ali Imran". For your information, I never manage to read pass the Surah Al-Baqarah. NEVER! Apart from the Surah Fatihah and the other short surahs that in the 30th juz, this is the first long surah that I finished reciting!

This may seem like a trivial matter to people who have been reciting the Quran ever since they were a child, but to me, this is BIG achievement and also an inspiration to keep on reciting, inshaAllah until I finally khatam the Quran for the first time. (big smile) Long journey to go, jia you jia you~ (bagi semangat dekat diri sendiri)

Of course, to quote the last ayat of the Surah Al-Baqarah,

Allah burdens not a person beyond his scope. He gets reward for that (good) which he has earned, and he is punished for that (evil) which he has earned. "Our Lord! Punish us not if we forget or fall into error, our Lord! Lay not on us a burden like that which You did lay on those before us (Jews and Christians); our Lord! Put not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Pardon us and grant us Forgiveness. Have mercy on us. You are our Maula (Patron, Supporter and Protector, etc.) and give us victory over the disbelieving people. "[ Baqarah, 2: 286]

While smiling like satisfied cat, suddenly I received a call from my mummy.

After chatting on the phone for quite a while, suddenly my mummy shocked me with a very, very shocking yet exciting news.

*referrence: bold letters: Mummy's

"I'm coming to KL on this 30th."

"Oh, this 30th September?"(happy)

"No, this 30th of August.

Let's meet." (almost died due to pure happiness)

Soooo, I'm going to meet my mum!!!!!!!

these are

For the very first time!!!!!!!!!!! <--- ACTUALLY one sentence

divided into three

After I told her about me being a Muslim!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[berapa banyak (!) daaaa... -_-"]

Anyway, despite the lingering joy that I feel to this day, I can't help but worry, yes, worry about my attire to meet her later on. For those who have met me in person, you would know what I meant.

Of all the things, I really don't want to drive her away from myself. And I know I won't achieve that in my current attire. I'm thinking of changing my style, a more acceptable style.

Before I was so rigid, especially regarding my attire but then, a sister advised me that in all things, da'wah must come first, as long as what you do are not against the Islamic law and the sunnah.

InshaAllah I'll be fine, I've talked with my mum about how I am going to present myself to her and the answer is HIJAB ON!!!!!...and I am somewhat nervous about the future rendezvous. But yes, I really am excited, and happy. I haven't been this happy since the past few months and a friend told me that maybe this is Allah's gift for me to spend my 1st day of Raya with my mummy. Imagine, to finally meet her after almost a year....alhamdulillah allahuakbar. :')

We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Little things, big damage

2011-04-17T14:55:00.000+08:00

Things that we always did but we shouldn't have, sometimes without us noticing.

1) When a non-Muslim approaches you to ask about Islam, we get excited. Sometimes too excited. Try to conceal your excitement as it might freak them out.

2) When a non-Muslim approaches you and asks about Islam, you try to convert them. Please don't. The intention is great but hey, you might get disappointed if they don't become a Muslim.

3) We get disappointed when a non-Muslim that we targeted to become a Muslim, doesn't turn out the way you wanted it to be. Remember, hidayah is in the power of ALLAH. What we can do is guide them, and pray so that their hearts would be enlightened.

4) When a non-Muslim told you that they wanted to become a Muslim, please don't question their intention.

I remember when I told someone about wanting to become a Muslim, they were surprised(not in a good way, like surprised meeting a ghost surprise). They even asked me, "Are you serious?", "Have you thought about this deeply and thoroughly?", "Are you sure?" They immediately gave me the impression of, "Hey, is Islam so bad a religion that you want to keep me away from it?" or "Was it a bad decision?" and also, I found the question offensive, because:

- Hey, if I am not serious, I wouldn't even bring this up. The 'converting' issue is like a kamikaze subject to us non-Muslims.
- I'm dead serious. Do I look like I'm not?(glares with burning gaze)

Yeah, the way they said it, it sounds like Islam is a baaaaad decision. Make sure you really take note of this point. You might cause someone to run away from Islam.

5) Don't think that you've reverted a person by aiding them reciting the syahadah. The true effort lies in people who told them about Islam, and taught them what Islam is. In other words, a person who 'mengIslamkan orang'(as what you might call it in Malay) is not the person who made them recite the syahadah, but the ones who guided their heart to it. Capische?

6) We groan when we fast in the Ramadhan, complaining that we're tired or making excuses when someone asks us to do something. Our excuse is that because we are too tired because we are fasting. Know what our non-Muslim friends think? Islam is a load of work. Islam is tiring people out.

They would pity us and don't be surprised when they don't want to become a Muslim. You might be the cause.

7) We talk about Islam but we don't practice it ourselves. Mind you, our non-Muslim friends are not that naive about Islam. Some of them knew about cleanliness being a part of the deen, and we usually fail to adhere to our own deen, our way of life. Walk your talk, even ALLAH didn't like those who preach but not practicing what they did.

There are more but I failed to recall them. As usual, I always write about these things in a provocative manner but I call it, critical thinking. It was like cracking a nutshell using a nutcracker. I want to make you think, really think, by 'cracking' you up, provocatively, so that you'll get out of your comfort zone and start reflecting. I also believed that the way we really learned a lesson, is always the hard way. I've experienced it and I know what I'm talking about. Anyway, I know you would feel things such as,

"Lah, susahla kalau macam tu." "Man, this is difficult. How I am supposed to do all these?" or "How should I know?"

But hey, if we are really good Muslims, and we really want to change, we would not even do these stuffs in the first place. What we're doing are not the sunnahs of Rasulullah s.a.w(peace be upon him), and shame on us. Shame on us. Would you think our beloved Prophet(peace be upon him) be happy to see us in the hereafter, or would he frown because we're not doing our job as a daie?

I feel like crying myself when I wrote this.

Perhaps this is a way to force us to become better Muslims. The battle to become good is always painful because we are going to fight against our own nafsu and against Shaytan's whispers. It is never easy but again, do we think that we are worth it to become occupants of Jannah if even here, in this dunya, we gave up?

This is a reminder to me, and to whoever reading this. I am not always right, as I am not maksum(without sins). Just a normal human being, who happen to be a Muslim, reminding herself for the sake of mardhotillah, the dream of every Muslims. InshaALLAH.

Cliché

2011-04-04T01:38:00.000+08:00

Selalu orang tanya, "Macam mana parents sekarang?". Kadang-kadang saya jawab berterus-terang dengan nada tanpa perasaan, dan kadang-kadang saya jawab dengan nada bergurau, "Ala, macam dalam cerekarama dalam TV. Nanti lepas beberapa tahun, kan dalam TV dia dah beraya dengan mak ayah. Betul tak?" Kadang-kadang saya berjaya menerbitkan senyum pada wajah mereka, tidak kurang juga yang menggeleng kepala kerana tingkah saya yang sedikit keanak-anakan. Namun ada segelintir yang menarik riak berlawanan, dan menepuk bahu saya perlahan-lahan sambil mengingatkan, "Farah, bawak bersabar ya." seolah-olah memahami loyar buruk yang saya persembahkan semata-mata lakonan untuk menutup realiti duka yang sedang saya tanggung.

The greatest joker always had something to hide.

Kadang-kadang kesedihan itu bertukar menjadi marah, namun marah itu ditelan bulat-bulat, khuatir akan terlampias pada orang sekeliling.

Nabi Muhammad bersabda:

“Bukanlah orang yang kuat itu (dinilai) dengan (kekuatan) dalam pergelutan, sesungguhnya orang yang kuat ialah orang yang dapat menguasai dirinya ketika marah.” (Hadis riwayat Bukhari).

Untuk mengatasi perasaan demi perasaan yang mendatang sudah cukup menguji kesabaran diri, apatah lagi apabila diuji dengan kesedihan sedia ada, ditambah kesunyian dari hari ke hari yang semakin menggigit sehingga ke dalam tulang hitam. Betapa peritnya hati menanggung, namun ditelan saja. Saya fikir, ALLAH sengaja menguji saya pada aspek kelemahan saya, iaitu dalam erti kata kesabaran. Kesabaran yang sebenarnya. Bukan 'sabar' yang di mana setelah puas memaki hamun, berkata, "Sabar je la aku." Bukan, itu bukan sabar kerana sabar itu pada permulaan. Pada permulaan. Begitu sukar, namun ganjarannya besar bagi orang-orang yang bersabar. Ya, ganjarannya besar.

Saya orang baru, tapi, kadang-kadang terlintas dalam fikiran, kenapa ALLAH tidak mudahkan untuk saya, sedangkan saya masih agak baru memeluk Islam. Aqidah saya masih rapuh, ibadahnya masih goyah, kefahamannya masih rendah, bukankah kebarangkalian untuk saya keluar dari Islam itu akan menjadi semakin tinggi sekiranya awal-awal sudah bersusah-susah? Tetapi saya redha, kerana saya beranggapan, ALLAH menjadikan dugaan itu susah untuk saya, kerana Dia tahu saya 'susah' untuk keluar dari Islam. Saya meletakkan tanggapan sedemikian, kerana dari itu saya seolah-olah mendapat semangat untuk terus berjalan, meskipun dugaan yang saya hadapi seolah-olah menjadi batu penghalang, menghempap ke atas kepala, tanpa memberi ruang untuk berfikir.

Terkadang saya terjelepuk jatuh, kerana terasa sukar untuk memikul beban yang diletakkan namun segalanya pasti berbaloi. Saya pasti ALLAH tidak akan mensia-siakan hambaNya yang bersyukur, yang bersabar dengan qada' dan qadar yang telah Dia tetapkan. Bukankah meyakini qada' dan qadar itu salah satu cabang iman? Berimanlah Farah, kerana tanpa iman segalanya tidak bermakna. Segalanya tidak bermakna....

Balasan atas Kesabaran :

• Allah menyertai orang-orang sabar

“Sesungguhnya Allah beserta orang-orang yang sabar.”. (QS. Al-Baqarah 2:153)

• Allah sayang kepada mereka yang sabar

“Dan Allah menyukai orang-orang yang sabar.” (QS. Ali Imran 3:146)

• Orang-orang Sabar memperoleh berkah yang sempurna, rahmat dan petunjuk

“Dan berikanlah berita gembira bagi orang-orang yang sabar.” (QS. Al-Baqarah 2:155)

“Mereka itulah yang mendapat keberkatan yang sempurna dan rahmat dari Robbnya dan mereka itulah orang-orang yang mendapat petunjuk.” (QS. Al-Baqarah 2:157)

• Orang sabar memperoleh pahala lebih baik dari apa yang dikerjakan

“Dan sesungguhnya Kami akan memberi balasan kepada orang-orang yang sabar dengan pahala yang lebih baik dari apa yang telah mereka kerjakan.”(QS. An-Nahl 16:96)

• Orang sabar pahalanya dicukupkan tanpa batas

“Sesungguhnya hanya orang-orang yang bersabarlah yang dicukupkan pahala mereka tanpa batas.”

(QS. Az-Zumar 39:10)

• Orang sabar dijanjikan pertolongan Allah

“Ya, jika kamu bersabar dan bersiap-siaga dan mereka datang menyerang kamu dengan seketika itu juga, niscaya Allah menolong kamu dengan lima ribu Malaikat yang memakai tanda”. (QS, Ali Imran 3:125)

• Orang sabar memperoleh darjat kepimpinan dalam deen

“Dan Kami jadikan di antara mereka itu pemimpin-pemimpin yang memberi petunjuk dengan perintah Kami ketika mereka sabar dan selalu meyakini ayat-ayat Kami.” (QS. As-Sajadah 32:24)

• Orang sabar dipuji Allah sebagai manusia utama

“Jika kamu bersabar dan bertaqwa, maka sesungguhnya yang demikian itu termasuk urusan yang patut diutamakan.” (QS. Ali Imran 3:186)

• Allah melindungi orang sabar dari tipu daya musuh

“Jika kamu bersabar dan bertaqwa, nescaya tipu daya mereka sedikit pun tidak mendatangkan kemudaratan kepada kamu. Sesungguhnya Allah mengetahui segala apa yang mereka kerjakan.” (QS. Ali Imran 3:120)

• Orang sabar layak masuk syurga

“Mereka itulah orang-orang yang dibalas dengan martabat yang tinggi (dalam syurga) kerana kesabaran mereka dan mereka disambut dengan penghormatan dan ucapan selamat di dalamnya”.

(QS. Al Furqaan 25:75)

• Orang sabar dapat mengambil pelajaran dari sejarah

‘Kami jadikan mereka buah mulut dan Kami hancurkan mereka sehancur-hancurnya. Sesungguhnya pada yang demikian itu terdapat tanda-tanda (kekuasaan Allah) bagi setiap orang sabar lagi bersyukur.”

(QS. Saba’ 34:190)

Fever

2011-04-01T22:06:00.000+08:00

Bismillahirahmanirrahim,

Alhamdulillah I have been given the opportunity to write again, despite the inner conflicts that I have been having since yesterday. Apart from that, I caught the flu and the weather here in Kelantan is not helping much with my recovery because it has started raining again. At first it was just a common cold but then I started to feel dizzy and my throat hurts. I couldn't even get out of bed. Alhamdulillah, after a day resting, with the aid of pills(which I really don't want to take at first but I have to) I can at least blog about something. I have not fully recovered but at least the dizziness that I felt are gone.

There is one disease that is kind of pandemic. This fever is called 'hedonism'. Need for greed. Fun is compulsory. No objection. Forget about religion, don't worry, be happy. And so they say.

Hedonism has been instilled in our minds ever since we knew what the television is. We are brought up in a society where not having a television in our homes are considered weird and outcast. I remembered there's this one episode of Bersamamu on TV3. The family is poverty stricken but something caught my eyes. A TV aerial? Eh? Bagi makan anak tak lepas, beli TV boleh pulak? That episode got me shaking my head and to this day, I never watched Bersamamu again. Not that I am the type to watch TV anyway. *shrugs* Yes, I don't watch the TV. Call me weird but nah, I don't think that TV is that fun. I used to watch TV 24/7 but it doesn't feel that fun anymore when you came to know about other stuffs worth knowing and these stuffs, you can't get them from TV, that is, THE TRUTH.

TV has such incredible influence on us that it can make us do things against our religion's teachings. Parents used to make their kids watch the TV so that they won't be bothered but the result is, their kids becomes hedonistic. Life is weird without movies, dramas and things that don't really happen in the real world. We are fed by the fact that the life of celebrities are the IN thing and we felt insecure when we don't look like them. Because of TV, we can see more and more teenagers are getting sicker by day. I felt sad looking at this one kid, she's just 7 years old but she already had her own Facebook account. She posted pictures of her, wearing diva outfits and it is sad I tell you. Really sad.

Not that I am putting the blame wholly on TV and the media, but I am troubled by the fact that our society did nothing to prevent it. They knew the effects of shows like Tom Tom Bak to our kids(not that I have any, yet) but they did nothing about it. They think that kids should have fun and not learn how to fear ALLAH at their young age and I thought the proverb "Melentur buluh biarlah dari rebungnya" was so popular.

When kids started acting like diva wannabes, where do you think they got that idea from? When teenage in trouble chose to commit suicide, where do you think they got that idea from?

I'm no judge but hey, don't you think this is so obvious? That we are puppets? And that, our minds have been controlled?

Free your mind. Go back to the Quran and sunnah, and you will be saved.

Why do you want to become a Muslim?

2011-03-29T19:32:00.000+08:00

If you revert to Islam,

1) you may be rejected by your family.

2) you may be rejected by your friends

3) you may be neglected by even Muslims themselves

4) you have to learn how to pray for 5 TIMES A DAY!

5) you have to stop eating pork

6) and you have to watch what you eat for the first time! because you're afraid it might be non-halal

7) you will have to ditch your makeups and pretty trendy clothes and adorn the hijab (if you're a girl)

8) you have to get circumsized (if you're a guy)!

9) you have to learn sooooo many things like how to recite the Quran and so on

10) you have to face people's reaction around you

11) you may be threatened by your own family that they will kill you if you become a Muslim!

12) if you hide your reversion, you have to pray behind locked doors or not able to pray at all!

13) you will face problems after problems, many problems that you don't know how to deal with!

14) and so on.

But why do they still want to become a Muslim?

I mean, if I were those non-Muslims who wanted to become a Muslim, I wouldn't want to face ALL THAT!

But why do they still WANT to become a Muslim?

Have we ever thought of that?

I know, I repeat, I KNOW that I am going to face all these huddles, maybe some of them but still, I know things are going to be difficult and NOBODY will be able to help me out with it.

I know, that I will have to face this alone and I have to fight it on my own. I know!

But why do I still want to proclaim the syahadah despite these risks? Why? WHY?

Because I know,

1) Islam is the truth and ALLAH is my true GOD and I can feel it in my heart, even before I become a Muslim. That's all.

This one reason is concrete enough for me to think "Just Do It!!!" the moment I decided to become a Muslim. I believe that ALLAH will help me go through my hardships later on, and never once I thought of converting(apostate/murtad), and alhamdulillah for that.

إِنَّ الَّذِينَ كَذَّبُوا بِآيَاتِنَا وَاسْتَكْبَرُوا عَنْهَا لَا تُفَتَّحُ لَهُمْ أَبْوَابُ السَّمَاءِ وَلَا يَدْخُلُونَ الْجَنَّةَ حَتَّىٰ يَلِجَ الْجَمَلُ فِي سَمِّ الْخِيَاطِ ۚ وَكَذَ‌ٰلِكَ نَجْزِي الْمُجْرِمِينَ

To those who reject Our signs and treat them with arrogance, no opening will there be of the gates of heaven, nor will they enter the garden, until the camel can pass through the eye of the needle: Such is Our reward for those in sin.[ Al-Araf : 40]

Sesungguhnya orang-orang yang mendustakan ayat-ayat (perintah) Kami dan yang angkuh (merasa dirinya lebih) daripada mematuhinya, tidak sekali-kali akan dibukakan bagi mereka pintu-pintu langit dan mereka tidak akan masuk Syurga sehingga unta masuk di lubang jarum dan demikianlah Kami membalas orang-orang yang melakukan kesalahan.

To enter Jannah is never easy, and that's the price we have to pay for the hidayah we got. Nevertheless, alhamdulillah.

I hope my revert friends out there are doing well. To reverts reading this post, be thankful with what we had and stay strong! I mean it, because I know how it felt. The confusion, things that scare you at times, sometimes under threats but hey, we got ALLAH on our side aye? Each and everyone of us.

To born Muslims, who had just chosen Islam as their religion and not as something that they inherit, stay strong too because I know, change is not easy. Sometimes even your parents do not approve of you wanting to practice, to really practice Islam the right way but hey, you're not alone!

Also, to born Muslims, who had practiced Islam the right way, was born in biah solehah, alhamdulillah for the ni3mat that ALLAH had given you but istiqamah is also not easy, because you may be influenced with people around you, so to you, stay strong too! Again, you are not alone!

Each and every day, at least one person will revert to Islam.

Sadly, each and every day, at least one person will convert out of Islam. Nauzubillah.

>---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<

Things have been hard for me, and it has become harder each day. Sometimes I feel tired having to find solutions, answers, anything. I tried keeping myself busy and I tried writing a lot of reminders so that I can remind myself as I write. Then again, walking the talk itself is not an easy thing but I have to force myself to practice what I preach so that I would not be held responsible for my speech on Judgement day. I remembered, back in KTT, I always someone to talk with, someone who can offer me a hug when I cry, someone who can reprimand me for the wrong that I did. It was never the same person but still, I have someone. But now? Things have changed. I was left alone, leaving me no choice but to keep my faith and inner thoughts to ALLAH alone. Sometimes it felt hard to not talk to people because talking about your problems may give a soothing effect to your heart, but then again, I realised, it's not about having people to talk to, it's about people who can advice you when you're wrong. There are so many things that I did knowing that it is wrong, but out of loneliness, I still did it anyway because I don't feel guilty about it. Maybe nobody has made comments on my mistakes but ALLAH is always there, showing that He was taking care of me, the whole time. A lonely heart requires filling and I need ALLAH to fill this emptiness. ALLAH....

Truly in the heart there is a void that cannot be removed except with the company of Allah.

And in it there is a sadness that cannot be removed except with the happiness of knowing Allah and being true to Him.

And in it there is an emptiness that cannot be filled except

with love for Him and by turning to Him and always remembering Him

And if a person were given all of the world and what is in it, it

would not fill this emptiness.

Pray so that I will not go astray, no matter what.