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SHAKE

A letter arrived. My dad handed the letter to me. UKM, it read. So i tore the envelope and read the letter, searching for shimmers of hope but failed. Permohonan saudari tidak dapat dipertimbangkan. I slumped on the bed, looking at the ceiling above me, thinking, "Well, one down. 4 more to go."

I am not depressed that my appeal was rejected, i was just frustrated with how easy i am to be affected by the surrounding. "Rejected. So, what are your plans?" My dad said with a quizzical look on his face. "I'll figure it out." That's my standard answer every time 'The Topic' was brought up.

The ugly truth is, I, myself was not affected with the future that awaits me. Maybe that's why everyone else is worried for me.*shrugs*


THEY STILL DON'T KNOW ABOUT IT

I wanted to tell them about my reversion, but the time has not come yet. If you are telling me that i am simply being selfish this way, well my dear, that is such a preposterous conclusion. I am selfish if i gave myself away and risk myself to be detained from performing my prayers and everything else.

If i am selfish, i would have told them eons ago because you know what, secrets are just so painful to bear when it is to be hidden from your own parents.

If i cared about my feelings more than i should care about my duties to God, then i will tell them, right in their faces. But since i am considering a lot of things, so i will have to sacrifice my own feelings in order to protect my aqidah.

This is to answer your doubts on the famously asked questions, "Bila nak bagitau parents?" or "Kenapa x bagitau lagi?" and questions along that line.


Anyway, in case any of you are wondering how i perform my prayers now, i do it the normal way. I think there are no excuses for me to skip the prayers even though i am quite at disadvantage of doing so freely. What more of the people who can openly practice Islam, don't you think?

I am here to say, no, i am not complaining that i am not able to practice Islam freely but i am glad. I am glad that i have come along this journey, though how rocky it may seems, because if not for this path, i wouldn't have appreciated the freedom that i once have when i'm not at home. Indeed, i wouldn't trade this for anything else in this world.

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Comments

  1. AnonymousFebruary 24, 2010 at 9:52 AM

    Dear Farah,
    I agree with you sis, this is not the right time yet to tell your parents. Hang on in there. You are strong. The right time will come.

    from,
    makcik anonymous ;)

    ReplyDelete
  2. a.j.February 24, 2010 at 8:39 PM

    my bro pun doakan kebaikan you jugak

    ReplyDelete
  3. a.j.February 24, 2010 at 8:39 PM

    =) slamat bersolah secara senyap .. semoga dimakbulkan ... =)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Makcik FarahFebruary 25, 2010 at 10:22 AM

    Farah, Segala ketentuan tentang masib kita; semalam, hari ini & esok semuanya telah tertulis . Tak usah risau sbb bila kita telah berdoa minta yang baik2 sudah tentu DIA telah menetapkan segala yg baik2 untuk kita. Yang penting adalah yakin & sabar.Yakin bhw semua yang dikurniakan kepada baik belaka. Bila kita redha, insya Allah kejayaan bersama kita walau di mana kita berada.

    Ibubapa kita tetap ibubapa kita sampai bila2. Buat baiklah kepada mereka sampai bila2.

    Salam kasih sayang dari Mak Cik.

    ReplyDelete

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