An advice from a revert to a revert

Assalamualaikum sister,

I may be not one to comment on this, but I feel that I need to share with you something, though my life may not be as hard as yours.

I am also a Muslim convert, like you. I become a Muslim 3 years ago, at the age of 18. Before I become a Muslim, I was a Christian Catholic. I was an A student, my family is happy with me and before I become a Muslim, I was offered to go to India to do A-Levels and pursue a degree in Dentistry under JPA scholarship. My life back then was free of problems.

On the 14th of November 2008, I proclaimed the syahadah after I decided to become a Muslim. Starting from that, things start to change.

I failed to accomplish the required pointer to go to India, and as a result, I have to stay at home for 7 months straight. I haven't told my parents yet about me becoming a Muslim as I was so scared that I might get beaten by my father as I was all alone in my home in Sarawak. I have no contacts there, no friends, unlike when I was in Sepang(when I was doing my A-Levels).

That time, I still have a lot I don't know and since I am hiding my conversion, I prayed in secret behind locked doors. Since my family is Christian, my mum sometimes bring pork back to the house and sometimes, astaghfirullah, I am forced to eat them even though I know I cannot eat them anymore. I cannot wear the tudung and I have to go to church because I cannot say I can't go.

Things was very stressful for me because my dad is also not talking to me because he was so disappointed that I don't get to fly to India. People are talking about me around us as I was the top student in my town and everyone treats me as if I am a disgrace, as though I have done something bad. This is my first time failing to accomplish something so everyone was making a big deal about it, especially my dad. At the time when I need support, my own parents turn against me and I nearly thought of suicide because I can't stand the pressure anymore.

Because I can't fly to India, I have to search for a university to study by myself. In Malaysia, not a lot of university accept A-Levels, only USM and UIA. So I was pinning my hope on those two to accept me because I want to practise Islam and get out of the house. My result was 3 C's and I was applying for dentistry course because JPA will only sponsor me for that course. 3 C's!! That's 2.00 pointer and the requirement for dentistry course is 3.50 and above.

Even though I know it was almost impossible and I'm sure the university will reject me, I prayed that Allah help me somehow. I prayed and prayed and prayed despite things are going worst when the first rejection letter from UIA came to me. I almost gave up when suddenly USM called me for interview. And alhamdulillah, subhanAllah, despite knowing my academic result, the dean of the School of Dental Sciences accepted me.

So my 7 months of torture at home ended when I entered USM Kubang Kerian. And I thought it stops there. I failed my every test in USM and my grade was the worst among the dental students in my batch. I am not exagerrating but this is true. To make the things worst, somehow I am not listed among the receiver of JPA scholars and when I asked, they told me that I was supposed to get the scholarship but there was some technical error so my name got skipped out. So I have reapply once again and wait for things to be settled by JPA.

In the same time, I just told my parents about me becoming a Muslim and my father disowned me, cutting all ties with me and stopped sending me money. I was stressed again because I don't have the money to pay for the school fees and money to eat but alhamdulillah, some nice people helped me get the zakat and the zakat money enabled me to pay for my school fees. Zakat's keep pouring in, and unknown strangers keep leaving money at my doorstep and this lasted for 8 months!

After 8 months, my scholarship issue finally settled and again, I thought, maybe this time something good will come because I am tired of experiencing hardship. But then again, Allah tested me again. I failed my first year exam and as a result, I have to repeat my first year. My parents were fighting because my mum finally accepted me but my dad still holds on to his ego. After my first year exam, I had 4 months holiday and I don't have anywhere to go. I moved from one place to another after a few weeks stay and I have to tell you, living at someone else's home is not that great. I moved from Kelantan to Perak then to KL then to Perak again and then to KL and finally returned to Kelantan to start my first year again just a few days ago.

In those 4 months, I experienced getting kicked out of someone's house, getting ridiculously low salary for a job when I worked part time. I have had a hard time but I keep on praying that maybe, all these was just a test for me so that I may get stronger. I held on to this one ayat from the Qur'an,

"Allah burdens not a person beyond his scope. He gets reward for that (good) which he has earned, and he is punished for that (evil) which he has earned. "Our Lord! Punish us not if we forget or fall into error, our Lord! Lay not on us a burden like that which You did lay on those before us (Jews and Christians); our Lord! Put not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Pardon us and grant us Forgiveness. Have mercy on us. You are our Maula (Patron, Supporter and Protector, etc.) and give us victory over the disbelieving people. "[ Baqarah, 2: 286]


My dear sister,

why I am still a Muslim despite all these struggles, I believe Allah has greater plans. If we compare our struggles with the people before us, maybe their struggles is even worst. I also believed that Allah makes it hard for me because He knows it is 'hard' for me to leave Islam.

I may not be one to advise you about this, since  I am still 21 and single, what more that I am a complete stranger. But know this, I know that it is very hard for you and I am telling this out of my love for Allah and for His creation, you, and I also believe this is my effort to help you because I know how that felt.

Until now, my life haven't been as smooth as it was like before I become a Muslim but I thank Allah anyway, for giving me His hidayah.

I think, life as a Muslim with a lot of hardship is way better than being a problem free non-Muslim, because at least as a Muslim you have Allah. And when you have Allah, who needs everything else?

Also, ask yourself this, do you sincerely believe that if you convert back things will change?

Things around us will just get more difficult and sometimes hard to bear but if we try to change the unchangeable, it will be much harder for us. So change something that you can change, that is, yourself. By yourself, I mean, your way of thinking. Try to change our mindset by thinking, "This will pass." everytime you are afflicted with tests.

My prayers is with you dear sister. Keep holding on.

Sincerely,

Nur Farah Syakirah,
Your sister in Islam.





We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.