Dear Daddy,

"Keep holding on."
-Avril Lavigne

***

One of the most asked questions that I get about my marriage is "Did your parents know of it?" and my answer is, "Yes, they knew about it. I told them."

As you can see from the photo that I posted, my mum and younger bro came. I was really glad my mum was able to make it despite her busy schedule.

I wonder how is it that people can blatantly judge me for not talking about my dad so much. Perhaps they fail to see the pain that I felt just by mentioning his name. I wonder if they understand what I was feeling was nothing close to disrespect.

I keep on wondering until at some point, my mind just shuts down and I just stopped thinking about it, because just having that thought of him, of how I had stopped being on speaking terms with him since Raya 2010, saddens me greatly and I wonder if people would ever understand that.

But no one does and even how much they try, they won't understand the impact it had on me.

Because of the Raya 2010 incident, my self confidence was impaired greatly and i deteriorated. I was depressed, and no one was there, because no one wants to be with a depressing being.

Because depression will suck you like a black hole and it was almost impossible for me to get out. Almost.

All the time I held on to His Deen because like I said, I was depressed. I almost gave up on living itself because the sadness was sometimes so great I couldn't bear it that I wish when I fall asleep at night, I will go on sleeping because I just don't want to face the reality because reality hurts. And it hurts so bad like a splinter stuck in your flesh and you weren't able to take it out. And that splinter was embedded deeply in my heart.

And that's when we met. He gave me the hope that I will be able to return home again. Allah sent him to me as a consolation and alhamdulillah, I have been better since.

And that person is my beloved husband.

I am not saying that marriage solves everything. It doesn't.

Back then, I used to think that perhaps if I get married, I won't be as sad. But then I stopped wanting, and that's when he came into my life. He came not when I was lonely, but it was when I could already stand on my own.

Even as I write this I can still feel the pain that resides inside me. It wasn't easy but nothing's impossible with His help. He is Allah The Almighty. Truly a simple thing, such as turning over a person's heart, can be done by His will. Look what He did to mine. And I am truly grateful for everything He has given me, be it grief or joy, and alhamdulillah that I am still alive up till now.

Because that means I still have a chance to reconcile with my father.

I still have a chance...

"Sometimes we can't just say "Allah has a better plan for us." 

We have to believe He does."