[NOTE: THIS WAS WRITTEN BACK WHEN I WAS 19 Y/O, when I first went back to my home in Sarawak after my reversion, edited on the 28th October 2011. Don't worry, still the original, just delete sikit-sikit yang tak penting.]
First day...13th of June,2009
Her mum asked her why she's not wearing the cross locket. She simply said that she left it at college.
15 minutes later,
While they're about to cross the road, her mum noticed the scar on her hands. It's a mark due to the tight handsocks that she wore during in college. Fortunately, before she could make something up, her mum was distracted by the busy traffic.
Later, back at home, at about 11 p.m.
She was performing her Isya' prayer, when she's sure everyone's asleep. All of a sudden, her mum knocked on the door, scaring the life out of her, and she quickly hid the towels and batik that she wore as a replacement for the telekung. After she's 100% sure that her mum's really going to sleep, she performed the solat and cried afterwards because she was so scared. Never in her life had she felt that scared before. Its scarier than during the time that she thought that she was going to be killed after being rammed by a car. After a few minutes of chatting to her beloved senior, she felt much better and hoped that she could go on, for the next day.
The next day, 14th of June, 2009
Sent her dad to the airport for he's going to have a National Counselling Seminar in Klang until 19th of June. Her heart felt lighter because she'll be able to conceal her identity without the presence of her resourceful father.
Today, 16th of June, 2009
Uncle, auntie and grandma paid a visit to the house. Chatted a little and without grandma knowing, she whispered to Auntie not to reveal her new identity to anyone, even her closest aunt. She felt better and self-reflect for a while after they left.
________________________________________________________________________________
Well that's basically the surface of my life here. It's been a while since i last updated my blog. As i lived my life here, in disguise, i realised a lot of things. I now know what to do. I need to pass A-Levels and go to India. I need to finish my studies and then pursue being a dentist. Opening my own clinic and so on. I'll tell them after i'm successful, so they won't question the "bad" side of Islam. I'll be the most successful muslimah, i'll show my parents that i've chosen the right path, the right way, the true religion, the true way of life. I miss my life back in KTT, i miss the usrah, i miss reciting the Quran, but oh well, i have to bear with it. It's a lie if i said, i'm coping, don't worry! I'll be fine. I look tough, righteous and even sometimes, it's as if i've been living my life well. The truth is, if i get the chance to collect my tears ever since the 14th of November 2008, i'll own my own swimming pool right now. It's hard, but the hardship made me more mature, made me realise how life is, made me open my eyes and stopped me from being the ignorant person that i am before.
I am a very selfish person before. I'm also ignorant and i looked down on other people, using the concept "holier than thou" to the ones who are not that successful in life. My world revolves around me. To make it clearer, i WAS a witch etc. But ever since i embraced Islam, i've been more thoughtful, i've learnt to share and on top of it, i've learnt to be strong. Never in my life i have thought that i would endure this, i mean, the difficulties caused by people around me. Yes, my problems are mostly because of the community, the people around me, who don't seem to understand, who didn't have the sense of emphaty in their heart. They just knew how to question, criticise, punish, belittle the ones that had problems and difficulties in adjusting to their new way of life. They even talked about them in a bad way, just because she/he has changed, a lot. What's wrong with changing if its towards the better? Tell me?! Answer me if you're that brave, questioning my choices on my way of life.
Sometimes i'm fed up. They claimed that they think it's the best for me. For example, telling me that i need to tell my parents about this as soon as possible. When i said, i'll tell them when the time comes, you question me. Until when? And you told me that it's not good to lie to your parents. Since when am i lying to them? I only told them things that they asked for, doesn't mean that i have to answer elaborately. And you know what? Whenever people asked me those kinds of questions or similar to that, i feel like exploding, but i held it in. That is why i remained silent, because i'm known for my sharp tongue. I know i'll hurt somebody if i spoke in rage. Do you REALLY have to pressure me? Sometimes your words are so shallow that i doubted your level of IQ. If that's called caring, i'd say that you're just interfering with my life. Know where you stand. You don't have the right to lable me, or to go back-biting about me to other people, saying that i'm looking for trouble. My advice : Stop it. If you don't know anything about it(my situation), it's better to clam up instead of saying shallow, useless things to me. Sooo not helping. To those who's touched by this post, i'm not going to say that i'm sorry, pretending that i'm ok because i'm not ok with your attitude. To these judgemental people, before you judge someone, think. That's what brains are for. Being in a difficult situation as i am right now, made me learn how to not be judgemental on others. Thank God for that.
For those who support me, thank you so much. Even thanks are not enough to repay your kindness. Only Allah knows how grateful i am for your help. So, to end my post, i want to pay a tribute to people who supported me, either emotionally, or physically, it's really helping me crawl my way up. I'll be stronger and stronger.
So, TRH, have faith!!!!
First day...13th of June,2009
Her mum asked her why she's not wearing the cross locket. She simply said that she left it at college.
15 minutes later,
While they're about to cross the road, her mum noticed the scar on her hands. It's a mark due to the tight handsocks that she wore during in college. Fortunately, before she could make something up, her mum was distracted by the busy traffic.
Later, back at home, at about 11 p.m.
She was performing her Isya' prayer, when she's sure everyone's asleep. All of a sudden, her mum knocked on the door, scaring the life out of her, and she quickly hid the towels and batik that she wore as a replacement for the telekung. After she's 100% sure that her mum's really going to sleep, she performed the solat and cried afterwards because she was so scared. Never in her life had she felt that scared before. Its scarier than during the time that she thought that she was going to be killed after being rammed by a car. After a few minutes of chatting to her beloved senior, she felt much better and hoped that she could go on, for the next day.
The next day, 14th of June, 2009
Sent her dad to the airport for he's going to have a National Counselling Seminar in Klang until 19th of June. Her heart felt lighter because she'll be able to conceal her identity without the presence of her resourceful father.
Today, 16th of June, 2009
Uncle, auntie and grandma paid a visit to the house. Chatted a little and without grandma knowing, she whispered to Auntie not to reveal her new identity to anyone, even her closest aunt. She felt better and self-reflect for a while after they left.
________________________________________________________________________________
Well that's basically the surface of my life here. It's been a while since i last updated my blog. As i lived my life here, in disguise, i realised a lot of things. I now know what to do. I need to pass A-Levels and go to India. I need to finish my studies and then pursue being a dentist. Opening my own clinic and so on. I'll tell them after i'm successful, so they won't question the "bad" side of Islam. I'll be the most successful muslimah, i'll show my parents that i've chosen the right path, the right way, the true religion, the true way of life. I miss my life back in KTT, i miss the usrah, i miss reciting the Quran, but oh well, i have to bear with it. It's a lie if i said, i'm coping, don't worry! I'll be fine. I look tough, righteous and even sometimes, it's as if i've been living my life well. The truth is, if i get the chance to collect my tears ever since the 14th of November 2008, i'll own my own swimming pool right now. It's hard, but the hardship made me more mature, made me realise how life is, made me open my eyes and stopped me from being the ignorant person that i am before.
I am a very selfish person before. I'm also ignorant and i looked down on other people, using the concept "holier than thou" to the ones who are not that successful in life. My world revolves around me. To make it clearer, i WAS a witch etc. But ever since i embraced Islam, i've been more thoughtful, i've learnt to share and on top of it, i've learnt to be strong. Never in my life i have thought that i would endure this, i mean, the difficulties caused by people around me. Yes, my problems are mostly because of the community, the people around me, who don't seem to understand, who didn't have the sense of emphaty in their heart. They just knew how to question, criticise, punish, belittle the ones that had problems and difficulties in adjusting to their new way of life. They even talked about them in a bad way, just because she/he has changed, a lot. What's wrong with changing if its towards the better? Tell me?! Answer me if you're that brave, questioning my choices on my way of life.
Sometimes i'm fed up. They claimed that they think it's the best for me. For example, telling me that i need to tell my parents about this as soon as possible. When i said, i'll tell them when the time comes, you question me. Until when? And you told me that it's not good to lie to your parents. Since when am i lying to them? I only told them things that they asked for, doesn't mean that i have to answer elaborately. And you know what? Whenever people asked me those kinds of questions or similar to that, i feel like exploding, but i held it in. That is why i remained silent, because i'm known for my sharp tongue. I know i'll hurt somebody if i spoke in rage. Do you REALLY have to pressure me? Sometimes your words are so shallow that i doubted your level of IQ. If that's called caring, i'd say that you're just interfering with my life. Know where you stand. You don't have the right to lable me, or to go back-biting about me to other people, saying that i'm looking for trouble. My advice : Stop it. If you don't know anything about it(my situation), it's better to clam up instead of saying shallow, useless things to me. Sooo not helping. To those who's touched by this post, i'm not going to say that i'm sorry, pretending that i'm ok because i'm not ok with your attitude. To these judgemental people, before you judge someone, think. That's what brains are for. Being in a difficult situation as i am right now, made me learn how to not be judgemental on others. Thank God for that.
For those who support me, thank you so much. Even thanks are not enough to repay your kindness. Only Allah knows how grateful i am for your help. So, to end my post, i want to pay a tribute to people who supported me, either emotionally, or physically, it's really helping me crawl my way up. I'll be stronger and stronger.
So, TRH, have faith!!!!
"Allah tidak akan menguji seseorang hamba-Nya melainkan dengan kesanggupannya."
(or something like that, i don't remember the exact quote...=P)
Be patient little sister, things will work work for you. InsyaAllah.
ReplyDeleteBe brave and proud of u are now. May Allah protect you.
-Ng-
Be patient little sister, things will work work for you. InsyaAllah.
ReplyDeleteBe brave and proud of u are now. May Allah protect you.
-Ng-
salam..ive been your silent reader. and i been following your entry since a months ago.your determination towards islam amaze me. ignore all those pressuring criticism about your conversion.always keep your faith to Allah.
ReplyDeleteoh this touched my heart
ReplyDeleteu're so sweet n brave :)
May Allah be with you all the way :)
I think I know which one is you in KTT...