WHEN I SIMPLY HAD ENOUGH

Everyone always tend to ask me(usually after i said its okay to ask me anything),

"Bila nak bagitau parents?"

And i would answer,

"Someday."

But they always forget to ask a follow up question afterwards,

"Kenapa tak nak bagitau parents lagi?"

SOME people just happen to be a real drama junkie. They never communicate with me, but dare to ask me bluntly the question. After they ask me that question(the When are you going to confess? question), they would bid goodbye and only contacted me again after a very long period of time, just to ask the same question.


Do you think i like that?


Do you think that when i smile, that means, "Hey i'm okay. Just be insensitive and ask me the question. I might as well paste a "When are you going to tell your parents?" sign on my forehead to remind you so that you won't EVER forget to ask me that."


And SOME people, bravely 'advised' me to just tell my parents sebab hey, tak baik tau tipu2 parents.


Bila masa i tipu? I just tak bagitau je.


Ingat nak bagitau benda ni macam nak bagitau pasal result SPM ke?


You think i like keeping a secret like this?


You think i'm just scared that my dad would get abusively mad at me?


This involves not only my life but also my parents' lives too.


My mum have bronchitis and asthma. What would happen if i suddenly drop the bomb out of nowhere?


My mum could DIE.


F.y.i, my mum got admitted earlier in April by a severe case of bronchitis. That moment intensify the need for me to be secretive.


My dad could have a stroke attack.


Why?


Because i'm their only daughter and their first born. They keep on advising me to not become a Muslim because they think Islam is terrorism.


They keep on putting other reverts down because they think all this reverting stuffs are nonsense.


My dad said

"You already have a religion. You don't have to change to another."

 And also,

Unless you pass the 10 semesters di USM, selagi tu i don't think that you succeeded. 

Which means, if i have to keep this a secret from my parents for another 5 years, yes, i would do it even though i feel tormented.


Again, why did i let myself be internally tortured?


If i tell them now without proving anything, meaning success, my parents would never see that Islam is a good thing.


They would think, "Oh patutla tak lepas a-levels aritu. sebab dah masuk Islam. God punishes her for leaving Christ."  And my dad would kick me out of the house after that.

Note: After i fail to go to India, my dad nearly kicked me out of the house. He IS that type of person. If he says something, he'll do it. If he thinks i'm useless, nobody can change that thought other than himself. 

My purpose of being secretive is not only for my own good but also, this is for the long run.


The measure of success in my parents' eyes is through education, money and wealth because my parents were both first child, and they came from a very poor family of 7 or 9 siblings with a housewife mum and a labour worker dad. They have to sacrifice almost everything so that their brothers or sisters can get proper education.


They went to university to get a degree after they had me and my brother. Even nak study pun, they have to go in debt. Cuba bayangkan study dalam keadaan anak2 kecik lagi and hutang menimbun sana sini. Gaji pun rendah. Yes, i was once not a well-off person. And everything that i had today, came from the perseverence and patience of my parents. So, memang tak hairanla kalau dorang sangat tegas tahap Hitler.


They have to fight their way to the top. No one helped them. Nobody. Not even their friends.


That is also why my parents didn't like it when i have good friends. They didn't want me to be attached to anyone unless they're family.


These are WHY i didn't tell my parents yet.


Yes, i think too much, you might say, but this is for the best. And i can only pray that this is the best choice for me right now.


And i have to sacrifice.




If you really want to show that you care for the reverts, and especially the newly reverts, i suggest you don't ask that question the first time. Let them tell you when they're ready. If you really want to help, we don't need money, we don't need that. We just need advices, because some of us feels it is hard to master all of the concepts in a short period of time. After they understood the basic concepts, you can move on by getting them to understand a much deeper meaning to what Islam is really about. Strengthen their faith first and don't be afraid to correct them. They won't convert to their original religion. I know most people tak berani nak tegur newly reverts ni sebab takut dorang keluar islam. Don't worry. As long as you tell them the right way. Jangan la nak marah-marah ke. Remember how hard it is for you dari darjah 1 sampai sekarang nak master semuanya. Imagine having to learn all that in a few months. Blaja medic pun tak susah camtu kot.


I am lucky to be a fast learner but itupun banyak lagi tak tau. So, jangan anggap saya dah tau semua benda ye, saya budak baru belajar lagi ni. :)


Aaand, one more thing, in order to guide them, teach them the main things first. Perkara ibadah like solat tu memang perlu ajar terus. Pakai tudung(for girls), slow2 until they're ready. On off dulu pun takpe sebab kita nak bagi biasakan diri dulu. Mengaji al-Quran tu slow2 jugak. Just bagi dia adapt dulu. Saya bercakap dari segi pemerhatian saya ke atas diri sendiri. I know how it felt. Actually the reason for not asking questions like,


"Dah boleh mengaji Quran ke belum?" dan sebagainya, membuatkan revert tu tadi rasa macam, eh, aku nak kena belajar benda ni cepat-cepat. Aku mesti tau itu ini. Mesti mesti mesti. Kan dah jadi pressure dekat revert tu tadi?


Islam yang sepatutnya dianggap memudahkan menjadi suatu perkara yang menyusahkan bagi mereka yang berasa terpaksa untuk belajar macam-macam dalam masa yang singkat. We don't want that to happen right?


Again, let them tell it to you when they're ready. Macam saya haritu, saya bagitau kawan saya "Hehe. Aku dah pandai mengaji. Hehe." Dorang tak tanya pun masa awal-awal tu. Mereka biar saya sendiri yang bagitau. Don't worry, we will inform because the excitement of being able to practice what we learn is beyond imagination that we simply have to tell someone, because we want them to know.


So if you say  "Janganla anggap benda tu menyusahkan." Tanya balik pada diri, "Dorang tu dah berapa lama dah masuk Islam?" Kalau baru sebulan dua, so baik tak payah berkata apa-apa.


Hmm. Panjangla pulak post ni. Maaf kalau ada yang terasa but i HAVE to say this. Because i want you to fully understand why i am still keeping my reversion a secret and how a revert actually feels. Well, most of us.


InshaALLAH. ALLAH knows best. Sorry and good night.