Transition

Remember the hare and the tortoise.

In the name of ALLAH the Most Merciful and the Most Loving,

Alhamdulillah. There is still two more paper to go but i don't feel worried about it. I am writing because of today, because today is the day i am most tensed.

After the exam finished, i went back to my hostel and started to look through the JPA scholarship contract i just received only yesterday. After 8 months waiting, finally, the issue with the scholarship matter was settled and only when i received the money will i announce the matter to be entirely settled. For now, i still have my doubts and i was expecting that soon, something definitely go wrong.

I know it is bad to be paranoid of what ALLAH has laid out in front of us but past experiences taught me to become more cautious and not to hope so highly of what ever outcome of things i work on. The issue with JPA has drained my positives dry. Even though how i wanted to really, really be optimistic of what may come, JPA can never win my trust again and it is not because of the government body, but because of the people that worked there that shows absolutely no concern on whether i am suffering because of the issue or not. Of course they couldn't care less if i didn't manage to support myself here or not. This issue first started when i was told that i wasn't listed in the list of scholarship receivers. Imagine the shock that dawned on me at that moment because out of all the medical and dental students, i was the only one who accidentally got dropped out of the list. I rang JPA and asked them what was going on and shouldn't i be listed because i am taking a critical course, and they told me they didn't know how that happened and they promised that they would GET BACK TO ME.

After a few weeks of waiting, i finally decided to call again and it seems that they did not attend to my report. So i ended up getting help from the academics office to help settle this off and they told the academic office that it is settled. There i was feeling optimistic, still keeping my positives towards my thoughts on them and i was shocked a few weeks later that actually, nothing has been done.

I called my mum and she finally called the JPA office and only after that, they started to do what they should have done a few months ago. And all the while i was keeping my head up high, hoping that they really fulfill their promise this time.

After a few months, again, finally the contract made its way to me and that is how i ended up writing this post.

I assume you were thinking this is a post written out of anger but no, i just feel lazy to put smileys at the end of each sentence to show that i am okay. Like this. c:

See. Much better. c:

Actually i was planning to talk on how this time, i am going to change myself, thoroughly. Perhaps i was a bit rash before, perhaps i was quite playful but no, i think i have to be more matured since the responsibility weighed on me keep on piling high and it is time to stop acting like a child. No matter how mini sized you might be, that is no excuse for behaving like a kindergartener. Unless, you ARE a kindergartener. But then again, that is not my point.

My next exam will be on this wednesday and the last paper would be held on thursday. After that, freedom~ freedom~ for a while.

Ever since i started to join usrah and started to understand the meaning of fikrah and applying Islam in my daily life, i feel more guilty day by day, writing about myself and things pertaining to yours truly.

I mean, can't I post something beneficial for the ummah?

Besides my sad and eye-opening story about how i come to know Islam and what happens afterwards, tell me, is there anything else other than my revert story that seems beneficial to you?

Ok, ok, maybe some of you would try to make me feel better by telling me the opposite, but i realize this myself. Sometimes i feel like deleting all the posts except for the ones i think to be of benefit to others, but i stopped myself because i want to see my progress.

Sigh.

Most of the time, I feel i am not fit at all to be called an akhawat, because deep down, i know i'm not.

So i don't deserve to be treated nicely. Past mistakes will not repeat itself unless you allow it too.

At least, that's what i believe. Bye for now. Maybe i won't be writing for a while until i truly find the purpose of why i am writing in the first place. Sometimes, muhasabah can be so depressing when you're a bad not-so-good person like me.