Good enough | Not good enough

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

***

So I was reading on the types of hadith and as I read on, I pondered on how strict it is to even consider a hadith acceptable, e.g. the hadith sahih.

Now, I won't go into details about each of the type of hadith but a thought came to mind when I read this following statement,

Hadis Hasan Lighairihi : 

Hadis riwayat beberapa imam, antara lain, Tirmizi, Hakim, Darimi. Jika dilihat dari sanad Imam Darimi, Darimi meriwayatkan daripada Ishak bin Ibrahim daripada Itab bin Basir daripada Ubaidillah bin Abu Ziyad daripada Abu Zubair daripada Jabir daripada Rasulullah s.a.w.
Semua nama di atas merupakan perawi yang baik, melainkan Ubaidillah bin Abu Ziyad yang bukanlah seorang yang cukup bagus sebagai seorang perawi. 

This doesn't have anything to do with my post and what I was thinking when I saw those words(see words in bold), I recalled a rather unsettling feeling about being good enough to be acceptable to the society, and in this context, good enough to be considered an akhawat.

I understand the meaning of akhawat, which means 'saudara' or 'sister' for female in Arabic. The meaning of 'akh' is in a context whereby it doesn't refer to familial ties in Islam, but more to ties in sharing the same faith or imaan.

But since the past few years of observing, I find that 'akh' or 'akhwat' depicts a whole new meaning. When you see a lady covering up from head to toe, it doesn't necessarily mean that she is an akhawat.

What I believe to be the definition of 'ikhwah' or 'akhawat' are: the people who have been so far long in Islamic NGOs, those who conduct usrah ec.

THAT, is what I understand when I hear those words.

Why is there such mind set?

I was such a newbie when I first joined usrah and this is what forms in my mind whenever the word 'ukhuwwah' and the word 'ikhwah' or 'akhawat' comes to my hearing.

I wonder why that feeling of 'I am not akhawat-ish enough to call myself an akhawat' or, why is that I feel slightly inappropriate whenever I wanna write 'ukhuwwah fillah abadan abada' to my non-usrah joining friends.

I wonder if I am the only one feeling this way.

I feel friendship between me and the sisters in the jemaah that I joined is somewhat forced and faked, unlike whenever I am in my 'normal' crowd where I feel that friendship comes naturally.

I keep feeling left out but I don't whenever I was out of jemaah activities.

To be honest, when I heard my husband told me about what some ustadz said about people who haven't really changed much despite years of usrah should be cut off like nipping a gangrenous stalk, I feel angry and somewhat disturbed with his words.

I know I should be thinking good things(bersangka baik) and all, but why does it always have to be us, the ones who needs to be, quoting that ustadz, "nipped in bud", that needs to 'bersangka baik' all the time and why don't YOU do the same?

This reminds me of what APG once said in his blog about 'ikhwah's and 'akhawat's who feel complacent with their own 'kind'.

I am not implying that all those who joined usrah are behaving in this way, but some of those, who acts all high and mighty, are the ones who clearly clogged my head with such ideas that made me feel more and more feeling like moving away from the usrah crowd.

Everyone knows of their own faults, and humans are created in such a way that we are all different, and some of us needed our own time to digest certain things while others perhaps paced the path to Jannah with the speed of light.

It is not fair to say that people who changed only slightly in their eyes should be excluded from contributing to Islam. Everyone has the right to do even as little as feeding a wounded cat and that doesn't make that person less Islamic than you.

Even though I changed a lot visibly from the day 1 of my embracing Islam, in terms of my attire, I do not feel my inner self change that much. I still have my stubbornness which I think, is now tamed now that I am married.

But no matter how lowly I may seem, I still know when to stand up for myself and I cannot stand feeling this way.

It makes Islam look so selective about who gets to be in the front line and what not.

Reading stories about how sahabahs, some so old you can call them your great grandfather, and some so young they can be your brothers, coming to the battlefield with Rasulullah makes my eyes tear up.

Islam used to seem so free for everyone and everyone was not ridiculed, no matter how little they are able to contribute.

It's the intention that counts, and only Allah has the right to judge your intention.

When you start feeling that you are already good enough to even do a simple thing so simple as giving a damn about what others are feeling, there must be something wrong with your heart and that applies to each and every one of us.

Because we are servants of Allah, we should be proud of Islam but humble as a Muslim.

I rest my case.

Even the river will someday reach the ocean.