To the bat mobile!

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

***

I'm like so dazed right now because I 'accidentally' slept right after swallowing a plate of meatballs spaghetti so I woke up performed Zuhur and I was planning to read some gastrointestinal pathology but the light coming from the window was so bright it burns my eyes to read anything under it. I am tempted to cover up the windows using the curtains(you don't say?) but then the living room would be so dark and I'll have to switch on the lights but that would be weird because it's daylight you see.

Anyways, returning to the post.

Recently I have been in contact with a few old mates back from KTT so yeah I was pretty excited because they have literally known me since before I become a Muslim. 2 of them are even witnesses of my syahadah. Heh.

Most of my friends are taking medicine as their course of choice and there are some that I know, portrays some very obvious signs of depression.

Though I may be wrong but this did happen to me until I recovered a few months back.

Some signs, I think, are quite subtle but are actually pretty much signs of depression. Many chose to neglect these signs until they fall deeper and deeper to some point, they just stopped trying.

Those signs are, based on my personal experience from the point of view of a half medical student :

• First, it started with not being able to pay attention in class. Not because of drowziness or chatting with friends, but your mind wanders and you don't really feel like listening and you don't even care what will happen if you don't focus.
• You don't feel like studying so you tried to combat this by doing something and usually it's something that does not even relate to what you're studying. Say, you have an exam, but you chose to fly off somewhere in hope of finding release. 
• You will do stuffs that some people might deem outrageous such as going off on a bus alone all the way to, say, Kuala Lumpur from Kelantan, only to return the next day. 
• In short, you will do everything else except study, since studying only reminds you of what your reality is and doing something else is actually a form of escapade. 
• You tend to sleep a lot and most of the time you just feel like sleeping, and when you do wake up, you feel empty and you question why you are awake.
• You think of yourself as a loser and you regard yourself so low that you develop anxiety even when you don't have any trouble speaking up in the first place.
• You started to stop mingling with people and avoids places that potentially have a lot of people. In simple words, you're starting to cut contact with people.
• You don't feel motivated to do anything, even eating, and finally, you prayed that you might just...die.

It was really subtle but it took me two years to finally realize what I had was depression. I didn't go to a psychiatric though because I think I didn't need it. But then if you do start having morbid thoughts, you better go get yourself checked. The doctor will give you some anti-depressants but then again, I am no pro when it comes to diagnosis of clinical depression.

Giving up on life, isn't that a major red alert?

But don't pride yourself by saying to everyone that you have depression, happily. This is not something to joke about and an insult to fellow truly depressed people. 

I guess what caused me to become depressed before was that my very personality and mindset that everything should be in control. So when things started to become beyond my control, e.g. me being rejected by my father, failing my first year etc, I started to hit rock bottom. It was so hard and what's even more worrying is that, being in that state makes you feel so closed to any help people want to give you. 

I am so glad that I am a Muslim because just being a Muslim keeps me grounded and I know no matter how tough things are for me, no matter how many tears I have shed just to keep this Muslim label on me, I will keep getting up strong, and each time stronger than ever, to a point I am numb to being sad over a small thing like losing my phone etc.

After all, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right?

Some might judge you for being lazy when you're in that state. Trust me, they won't understand unless they have felt it for themselves.

No one chose to be sad. Who in the right mind would? Maybe those emo people might but normal people will prefer to feel happy, it's just that sometimes things get so overwhelming it completely wipes off that smile off their face.

I guess it was harder for me back then was because I don't have somewhere or someone who I can fall back to. Everyone has their parents rooting for them, or friends, but I only have Allah and I had to endure everything on my own. So maybe me getting married has somewhat become an indirect therapy for my tortured soul.

I remember trying to think the purpose I am alive because there seems to be nothing to look forward to. But then I keep on trying to think there must be a reason for that since He's still keeping me alive. There must be something to it, so yeah I keep searching for it, my purpose of life, up till now.

And of course, I know Allah has stated my purpose of creation is to serve Him and Him alone but yeah, I guess I needed to know about it in more specific details.

I think perhaps me being married at quite a young age( I have known people that got married right after SPM and no, they didn't drop off school. They're still studying like me.) is a sign of Allah's mercy on me, and that He knows how lonely I feel, being alone here without a home and family to go back to.

Alhamdulillah for His mercy...alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal.

Always go back to Him, and He will provide the answer to your plea.  You are not made to solve all your problems alone. That's why we have Allah. Why bother beating yourself up for things that are not within your control? Just do your best, and let Him do the rest. All you have to do is believe.

“Because you are alive, everything is possible.”

Thich Nhat Hanh

Salam alayk and peace out.


ps: And yeah, the title was totally random because making 'Overcoming Depression' as a title would be so cliche.

"Sometimes we can't just say "Allah has a better plan for us." 

We have to believe He does."