Shit happens.

That's the first thought that comes to mind as I walked my 'Walk Of Shame' out of the Clinical OSCE center.  The doctors were all gawking at me as if I just killed somebody. What I did seems minute but I had to follow the rules, and painfully, the doctors had to 'cut' me off the exam. I got barred from taking the exam because I brought my phone.

Of course, it was off and I never intended to cheat or whatsoever, but doctors are not God are they? They had to do that so that others may learn from my mistake, or rather, pardon me, my stupid mistake.

I guess the doctor was expecting me to cry rather than be all cool about it when she informed me I had to be barred from the exam.

I have learnt since long ago that crying won't change anything but of course, you might wonder where does all that anger and frustration go to? I am still wondering about the same question myself and perhaps, I have been sensitized from being sad about 'shits that happens' like this since I was rejected by my father for embracing Islam.

Really, what could be more painful than that you may ask?

Chronologically, my life has been, pretty dramatic, I must say. You may now chuck your TV soaps and please do indulge in mine. It's pretty much the same thing, really.

Since I was born, I was never praised for anything and I remembered once when I was singing to Britney Spears when I was in Standard 4, my mum got angry with me and told me that I am ugly and I won't fit to be a celebrity. I remembered all I ever focused on since I was in primary school, was try to gain my father's approval, and all I wanted was for him to acknowledge me but it wasn't enough for him.

I had to be PERFECT.

Whenever I did the slightest mistake, such as, not turning the faucet at the right direction, (my father marks our taps so that we turn the faucet off at the right point), I will get caned or pinched, and those pinches would usually leave a mark.

I never tried to connect with my parents before I become a Muslim, since all our conversation only revolves around my academic performance only, and that is the only subject I was ever allowed to bring up whenever I called them when I was in boarding school in Selangor.

When I came to KTT,  I didn't get to go to India because I didn't pass the required cut off point and my father did not talk to me for a whole 2 months. My presence was ignored and it was painful, because I needed them the most at that moment but who am I kidding? My parents were never there for me.

They always amplify my mistakes and make me feel ugly and unacceptable.

That of course, did a lot of damage to my self esteem(which I never have in the first place) and when I came to USM, after I confessed about my becoming a Muslim, my self esteem went lower, to a point, I don't even care about myself.

I sleep all the time, I didn't eat much, I did all I can to avoid classes as much as possible because life doesn't seem to side with me. At one point, I even wonder to Allah whether I deserve to be happy at all as long as I live.

Even before I get married to my husband, my identity was questioned because my parents in law was afraid I might be a conwoman trying to convert my husband to Christianity by making up my reversion. I have no one  to support me and I deal with his family alone, as I was interrogated for my intentions. I bet you don't know how frightened I was but I understand I am not like any other girls, and I do not have a good background either.

But you know what, Allah helps me get through with it with a smile on my face, trying to be strong for myself.

Marrying my husband is the one and only happiest thing that ever happened to me and I loved him so much because he can stand my annoyingly complicated personality. What man would be able to stand a person who don't believe whatever he says, be it saying that I am beautiful, or that he loves me, and not wanting to be happy because it was so alien of a feeling to her. So yeah, I may seem ungrateful at times, but trust me, everyone got their own battle and mine is with the demon inside me, that keeps on telling me that I don't deserve him. I am still trying to believe that nice things can happen too and I pray that someday I will be able to accept and totally be redha with everything, be it bad or good.

And I know what people think of me. They think of me as an akhirat-ly person, not caring about my academics, not caring about my parents, not caring about anything in this world, and it doesn't help either that I wear 'tudung labuh' and my early marriage, cause you know, 'tudung labuh' and early marriage is like a stigmata of failure and worldly ignorance to the society, and not to forget, a symptom of 'kegatalan'.

But I try as much as I could not to care about what people thought of me and I am certain, my name will be 'popular' the very instance the exam was over.

Contrary to the popular belief, looking at other people's worst are not making me feel better at all. The notion to think that 'at least that person is worst than me' is the worst thinking one could have and it doesn't reflect the 13th hadith at all. You should never be happy for other's downfall. Ever.


But yes, no matter what happens to me, I won't be sulking and I try not to because  I have accepted that praying for strength would just be an invitation for more shit to come your way, so be it.

And so, when shit happens, all you've got to do is accept it and flush them down the toilet. Just like that.

And oh, fake a smile. That helps too.

Me at Puteri Harbour, Nusajaya, Johor. Oh. Kaki tak sampai. Baru perasan.

Oh yeah, and ps? The people that I dislike most are those who hate their parents because their parents care too much about them.

And you know guys, the worst thing that one could ever feel in this life is feeling that they don't mean anything to anyone and that, they are meant to be sad.

I guess that's why Allah damns atheists and those who associate Him with others.

Because nobody likes to feel non-existent.

Today is gonna be the day

That they're gonna throw it back to you

By now you should've somehow

Realized what you gotta do

I don't believe that anybody

Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street

That the fire in your heart is out

I'm sure you've heard it all before

But you never really had a doubt

I don't believe that anybody feels

The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk are winding

And all the lights that lead us there are blinding

There are many things that I would

Like to say to you

But I don't know how

Because maybe

You're gonna be the one that saves me

And after all

You're my wonderwall

-Oasis, Wonderwall

"Sometimes we can't just say "Allah has a better plan for us." 

We have to believe He does."