I belong to God and to Him I shall return

Lately, I have been more tired than the usual. Perhaps my battle with my illness has been more of a futile effort than a fruitful one. Funny how when I told the doctor that I felt more stable and the next day I suddenly went almost out of control for the whole day. I don't know, but I wonder if I should agree on increasing my dosage, again. I almost gave up, thinking I might not heal but then again, those meds are just one of the many ways to cure me. Only Allah is the Healer, I should really trust Him more on this, but really, when 'it' hits me, I couldn't really think as straight as I do right now. 

Putting my personal problem aside, I have been thinking about what I have been doing with my life ever since I became a Muslim. I have been doing nothing but become an advocate of Islam ever since then and only now do I understand the reason for me doing this, after all these years.

True, I do not have to work this hard, now that I think about it, I bet I did less work than most of the people out there, with the Street Da'wah and all those other stuffs, and some people might tell me that the world do not own me, but in reality, it is not the world that own me, because I am solely owned by Him. 

The reason I am doing whatever it is that I am doing, this blog, the book, the numerous talks, is because I owe the ummah an explanation, and I owe Him so much for this guidance that He gave me, so much that I need to correct people's thoughts of Him, of His religion and of His book, the Holy Qur'an.

I owe Him a lot because He gave me guidance and strength to finally say the syahadah when a lot of others could not. 

I owe Him a lot because He changed my fate from definite member of Hell to possible member of Jannah by only two sentences witnessing His oneness and His prophet as a messenger. 

So how can you ask me to chill when, the doctor that saw me the day before yesterday is a not yet Muslim and there I was, in front of her, diagnosed with depression due to my not being able to cope with my dad's disowning me 3 years ago? How can I relax with the thought that the doctor might make me as an example of what happens when you make a decision like what I did? 

I know it is not my fault but now that it has come to this, I feel that I am becoming a fitnah to Islam itself, and I hate myself for not being able to cope with my sadness that it turned into a sinister life-changing illness.

I hated this affliction because I hate being depressed but it's not like I can control it. After all, everything comes from Him, and I need to open my eyes widely to see the big picture of my life that He has painted  for me.

I can accept this now, because it is never my fault anyway and I am also not implying that it is His fault.

Everything happens for a reason, and after all, this battle is perhaps my personal sieve to see whether I am truly a mu'min or not. 

“So do not weaken and do not grieve, for you will indeed be superior if you are truly believers.”
 [Al-Quran 3:139]  

 “You who believe, seek help through patience and prayer, for Allah is with the steadfast. Do not say that those died in the path of Allah are dead. Rather, they are alive, though you do not realize it. We shall certainly test you with fear and hunger, and loss of property, lives, and crops. But give glad tidings to the steadfastly patient–those who say, when afflicted with calamity, ‘We belong to God and to Him we shall return.’ These will have blessings upon them from their Lord and mercy–and it is they who are rightly guided.”
 [Qur'an, 2.153-157]

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal.