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Sorry seems to be the hardest word

You know that song? I wonder if anyone who were born more than the 90's would know about it, but anywho, this is my MAJOR problem. Always. Even since I was a kid. Like, really. What, you think kids have no ego?

I remember we have English that day, this was back in 2002 I think. Yeah. UPSR. So anyway, my teacher decided to play a game(?) to kill time and she told us to write something to our friend, but we will be anonymous, see? This is way before blogspot and Facebook. So after we wrote down what we wanted to say, our teacher collected our 'letters' and in turn, everyone will pick randomly and read it out loud. Boy, I was so nervous!

It happens that I got one anonymous letter and I was really happy about that, because yeah I felt that someone acknowledges me. Yeah, I have been pathetic as long as I can remember. 

So what this anon said, I am kind etc etc and all that but really, is it really that hard for me to apologize?

That last sentence caught me off-guard while I was mooning over how awesome I was. It is the truth. Up until now.

Ask anyone, who has ever been in a conflict with me, I NEVER apologized. 

And to that question that my anon friend had asked me, yes, it is really hard.

Because saying sorry would make me look weak, and I hate feeling weak, because I would feel that I have no control over myself and that I am useless and pathetic. 

That is what apologizing does to me, which is why I rather not. 

This stems from my upbringing I guess, where I am not allowed to cry because that's weak etc. 

It stuck to me up till now and as a result, I would rather avoid anyone that I rubbed against and be out of their sight(sometimes forever), because I feel that would be better than me apologizing because I have this thought that, if anyone is angry at me, they hate me and the best thing to do is not be around them because they would despise my presence. 

I am not proud of this. Really. And I have been trying to change this since like forever. 

I tried once, and I ended up feeling humiliated when the person did not accept my apology so yeah, it made me feel lower than low. 

I guess my reason of posting this is because I would like to face this and to do that I need to know, what does apologizing mean, at least to normal people. 


ps: I'll post about An-Naba' soon inshaAllah. 

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Speak good, or remain silent. (Bukhari & Muslim)

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