UNDERCOVER

I was home alone today as usual and i turned on the TV to see whether there are any interesting programs on Oasis. The program that caught my attention at that very moment was the program entitled "Mum, I'm A Muslim.". Basically it was based on the life of a newly revert sister who is guided by another English Muslim sister since she has been a Muslim for only 4 weeks. Her age at that time was 19 years old and she haven't told her parents yet. The interesting part that is, a few weeks after her reversion, that was when the 11th September tragedy occurred.

"She could not have picked the worst time to revert." Said the sister who is also interviewed in this documentary.

Watching that documentary was touching and i was feeling relieved that there's teenagers out there who deal with the same thing as I do. To tell you the truth, being in my situation, an undercover Muslim living with her family not of the same faith, and having a hard time performing prayers and constantly watching over the consumption of food, plus other stuffs that contributes to the stress that i'm having, it is NOT as easy as it seems.

I have troubles, inner conflicts usually, sometimes making me leave my prayers, sometimes unintentionally with regret and sometimes, embarrassingly, with no regret at all.

I know that is no excuse and i do understand perfectly well what compulsory means.

Before you get all judgmental, how about try walking in my shoes for a while. Or, how about, try for a second, be emphatic and feel what i am feeling right now.

Maybe, i seem a whole lot similar with the other born Muslims when it comes to attire, but when it comes to the strength of my faith, its not yet up to that level.

I declare to myself that it is impossible to have acclaimed a faith like a true muslimah in just 2 years. I have still got a lot to learn and i surrendered to that fact. I will no longer push myself to the extent that i cannot imagine. Even the most strong willed girl like me have to accept that, without proper guidance, i cannot move further. I am weak and helpless but there is nothing i can do.

I am emotionally wrecked and i am scared that i will be worst than i am today. Today, i might still have the awareness but what if, i sunk deeper until i can never be rescued again. I am just hoping for a miracle, to pull me out of this misery. I want to be there, be alongside the other Muslims, but my movements are restricted. Sometimes, i wish i was kidnapped. Yes, i am that desperate.

Yet, some people played with my fate as though it is not important. Sweet talked their way out of the mismanagement, of their own carelessness, but i am not buying it for one second. I want that interview, for God's sake!

I've called them over and over, but i was told that i would get a call. But no~ nothing came up. So i decided to take one last step, that is to write a letter to the dean. After that, i will just succumb to my fate. There's nothing else i can do. :'(

I will never try again to hope that life gets better when you wished hard enough. Its just too painful. For them, those people, to fool around with my application like that....its just too much.