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Life as I know it

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

***

 Empty decorations by Indecisive 

Cause I don’t wanna be alone (Oh oh…)
Living life all on my own (Oh oh…)
I don’t wanna live my life in isolation
Filled with empty decorations

Cause I wanna be with people that I know
Who will do the things I do (Oh oh…)
Making all my dreams come true
I don’t recognize the shadows on my door
Although I’ve seen them all before
Because the only thing I really want is to be with you… 

***

Two inner conflicts, but when overlapped, both have one similarity : family.

It has been approximately 2 years since I last went back to Sarawak, and it has been also the same amount of time since I last talked to my dad.

Not because I don't want to, but because I couldn't. During the early period when I first revealed my reversion to my dad after 2 years being an undercover Muslim*, I tried reaching out despite my heart aching badly after the rejection. I did write a post on what happened after I told my dad but I don't want to republish that post because I don't think it's necessary anymore. Let's just say, I was cut off. Like a gangrened leg.

2011 was figuratively, like hell for me.

Everything just went wrong. 

My grades went from bad to worse, simply because I stopped studying because I don't see the point of why I should. My reason for going to dental school in the first place is because my dad wants me to go. So when that happened, I just stopped trying. I became depressed and my emotions simply plunged deep down into the lowest of the low. I gave up on living. Everyday I would just lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling, wondering why do I have to face everything all alone. I was so lonely, and I lose faith in humanity, and I stopped reaching out for help because I was at a point that I refuse help.

I was afraid of yet another rejection, so my mind was set to refuse help, so that I won't feel attached to anyone whosoever. I was scared of opening up because that way, I am introducing people to my emotions and I don't want them to, because I'm afraid they might trample them.

I stopped contacting my relatives, because I don't want them to know how bad of a state I was in. But turns out those were the worse mistakes I've done. 

Problems are called problems because there are solutions. So when I myself negate the approach for solutions, those problems remained at the back of my mind, unresolved. And I thought that was for the better. 

It was not.

I had a hard time clawing out of depression and I try not to post depressing posts (but I did anyway). I felt so lonely but at the same time I don't want anyone to enter my life because of the same reason, I was afraid of yet another rejection. It was so painful and it hurts a lot.

But I so wish for somebody to understand me. Unconditionally.

And that's when I 'bumped' into 'him'. 

I guess 2011's not such a bad year after all aye?

 ***

Anyway, I remembered updating something on my facebook about wondering if my dad do miss me after these coupla years and someone commented something that I think, I won't be able to forget for the rest of my life.


Unconditional love.

My heart went slightly arrhythmic afterwards when I read that. 

I need to man up and face my dad, once and for all, get all these issues resolved, but I keep on pinning for 'time' to do it for me. 

Time - 0
Resentment - 1

How long am I gonna 'run away' from my 'problems'?

Currently everything felt kinda stagnant. It's like being stuck in Angry Birds and not being able to level up. That feeling totally sucks.

It's not that I haven't tried contacting him. I did. But I was rejected for 3 times and after that I just stopped trying. My heart just can't take it at that time. 

But now? 

InshaAllah, I think I'm in a better state to talk and I know I'll be fine because I have Allah by my side. I just hope it won't be too late by the time I have the strength to finally resolve this issue.

The trials that I have to endure for Your sake, O Lord...I pray You grant me patience and strength as I went on living my life trying my best fulfilling Your Deen.

***


|||||||||||||                                   | 

70 XP until next level


Long way to go,

"Sometimes we can't just say "Allah has a better plan for us." 
We have to believe He does."


_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 Undercover Muslim = hiding the fact that I've become a Muslim for 2 years

Comments

  1. dzuftJune 26, 2012 at 4:06 PM

    Sis, dunno if I can stay as strong wearing ur shoes. I can only pray that Allah bring u much happier days ahead with *him* for all the pain that u went thru before.

    inshaAllah :)

    ReplyDelete

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