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Help!- Not.

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

***

I wonder what it is that drives me into writing this post. Perhaps it was some kind of a long forgotten dwelling that I had ever since then, and by then I mean, since I become a Muslim.

Since the first day I proclaimed the shahadah,  a lot of people were so eager to help me. Not one, not two, but a lot have received my rejection upon their offer to help me. Perhaps my action got misunderstood.

You see, being a new Muslim, and up till now, and add the way I was being brought up to that equation; I am not the kind to receive help. I feel that when people asked me, whether I want them to help or should I be in trouble, for God's sake please go to them etc, I always feel that I am so weak that I can't help myself. Perhaps my daddy has taught me to be so independent that I forgot that perhaps by letting people help me is the way for them to gain 'ajr and they are really sincere about it.

But I fail to realize my sense of independence sometimes causes more trouble to people than I can ever imagine. For instance, rejecting the offer to stay at one family's house because I don't want to cause them any trouble but instead I went all the way to Perak and work there for a month as a part time kindergarten teacher.

Perhaps I was trying to prove that I can handle it myself but as time goes by, I finally learn to receive help and I have to learn it the hard way too. It was sad. Really.

To those who have once offered to help me and ended up being declined,

I apologize from the bottom of my heart for my stupid ego and my misguided sense of independence.

It's not that I don't want your help or that I don't appreciate your effort or that I don't trust you. I guess it's just me, the way I am. No matter how badly I am in distress, I never wanted to seem weak so I try to get by my own style, though sometimes it causes me sweat and tears.

Again, I'm sorry. But I guess I value my pride more than I care for my well being.

I wonder if that is a bad thing...I wonder.





"Sometimes we can't just say "Allah has a better plan for us." 
We have to believe He does."
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Comments

  1. nzuhailiOctober 14, 2012 at 11:12 PM

    I used to be like that before. And even up till now i'm still like that. *sigh*

    ReplyDelete

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