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Bravado


To be honest, I was undergoing a literally confusing phase of my life where I have to decide who I want to be. 

Do I have to go on being like how I used to be when I was 18, which is when I first started this blog? 
How do I become myself without losing the 'self' which is the very foundation of the blog?

I was confused and torn with how people might react to my writing and how it would affect my family and so on. 

I feel pressured so I thought maybe it is best for me to stop writing, and I honestly thought this time, it will be for good. 

But something happened after I met my dad for the first time in years last Eid and I started to doubt whether what I did was actually for the best. 

I am a revert, yes, that is me, and still the person that I am today. I am a Muslim, but of course it wouldn't be so accurate of a description since I would like to remember that I embraced Islam by choice and the determination that comes with it, and how it shaped me to become the person that I am today. 

I wrote a book about my journey to Islam. So what? 

Thousands others embraced Islam every year, hundreds pursued learning Islamic studies until they become teachers and speakers, a few became famous scholars and I am an average person compared to these people, but the common thing between us is, I am sure of it, the journey that we face is by no means any different. It might be tailored to everyone's capability to withstand it but still, tests are merely tests. 

I was only tested with a few minor things for this first book and immediately I panicked. 

I was so scared and lost, and I was thinking that perhaps by shutting down the blog I might be able to keep whatever that was left of the wreckage that I call my relationship with my family. Oh, just for the record, we're good. Case closed. 

I'm still me. 

Muslim by 18.

Dental student by 20.

Wife by 22.

Published my own book by 22. 

All of these that I have listed, they ARE me and no one else. I have nothing to be ashamed of and I should not have any regrets. 

I love writing my thoughts down and I think I can't do this another time. After all, I've closed this blog twice. I'm getting too old to start over just because of some issues that will dissolve by itself with time. 

Just in case I'll freak out again in the future, I don't think I'll close the blog. I'm embarrassed enough already. 

Salam alayk.

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Speak good, or remain silent. (Bukhari & Muslim)

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