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So, what's up?

Nothing much. Same old, same old, except for the fact that I texted my dad a few days ago. I know, I know, this is somewhat random but I just think it needs to be done before we meet for the first time this Eid. 

The conclusion was, he just wants me to be a doctor. That's it. 

My brother will be flying to the U.S to study at the Penn State Uni doing a degree in engineering. So the whole family will be sending him off at the KLIA. I'll be there too, inshaAllah and so, I shall meet my dad for the first time AND perhaps, I might even actually talk to him for the very first time in, 2013 minus 2010, 3 years. 

3 years. Wow. Never thought it was that long ago.

The text message went from 'From now on we had nothing to do with each other'(2010) to 'Focus on your study.'(2013)

I am feeling somewhat blank and to be honest, I really don't know what I should be feeling. I asked myself a series of questions but still I am nowhere near finding the reason to the emptiness that I felt.

Am I glad that he's finally talking(fine, texting) to me as if nothing has ever happened? No. Something is missing, something feels wrong. 

I need us to acknowledge the reality. I don't want to get in this kind of conversation again. I have been in the 'don't talk about anything unpleasant and pretend nothing has ever happened and remember that we're perfect' household for so long. 

I don't want this. I really don't. 

For me, it is better for us to yell or cry at each other rather than acting as if we're fine all along. 

If we were fine, I would not have to suffer during those past 3 years. So, no matter what, I am going to show the reality to him and force him to acknowledge me. He can't dodge that no matter what. After all, I'm wearing the hijab and he won't be able to miss that.

To be honest, I am still not ready to meet my dad. I guess the 'dodging' mind set has been programmed in me that it's so hard to ditch.

Of late I have been staring at the wall while listening to Stan by Eminem repeatedly since I texted him.

I really don't know what to feel but I do know that I feel empty. 

And lonely.

FYI, Bond is the name of a band of violinists. I usually listen to 'Explosive' when my head's messed up.

My tea's gone cold 
I'm wondering why I
got out of bed at all 
The morning rain clouds up my window
and I can't see at all 

 And even if I could it'll all be gray, 
but your picture on my wall 
It reminds me, 
that it's not so bad, 
it's not so bad..

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Comments

  1. FaaeinzAugust 4, 2013 at 3:08 AM

    Famili yang hebat2.
    Semoga Allah s.w.t sentiasa permudahkan segala urusan. =)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Autumn (It's Autumn's Life)August 7, 2013 at 11:38 AM

    I really feel you dear. I'm having a different type of problem with my parents, but even more stressful and anxiety inducing. Insha'Allah Allah makes it easy for us...

    ReplyDelete

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