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Sandy The Ant

So. Story of my life. 

For you newcomers, welcome and greetings.

I feel obliged to tell you why this blog has so many visitors despite the very small amount of blog posts. 

First of all, you may need to know that I ACTUALLY started blogging on the 18th of August 2008. Yes, I remembered the date accurately because I was at a friend's house in Malacca, to visit my younger brother who were still schooling at MOZAC at that time. I used to blog at justcallmesimple.blogspot.com but I imported my blog to this link you see now. 

Why 'The Rocking Hijab'?

This question, I get a lot. Well, before I become a Muslim, I used to fancy Avenged Sevenfold, Paramore, Linkin Park, all those stuffs so I can't quite get rid of my interest in 'screaming music' (to be honest, till now but it has been reduced immensely) right away after I proclaimed the syahadah so yeah, I feel that I suit the name at that time, and perhaps, until now. 

When did I become a Muslim?

14th of November 2008. I become a Muslim at the age of 18 in apartment 8-3-A1 in Kolej Teknologi Timur in front of Kak Aina Adelia, Siti Syakirah Aisyah and Suriani Ahmad. They and Allah were my witness, alhamdulillah, and I shall forever remember that night as it is.

How did I become a Muslim? 

For the question of how, I may not be able to reveal this as I have agreed not to republish my story in my contract with my publishing company. You may look on your right and you will see my book, talking about my journey to Islam and a wee bit on the after. 

Are you okay with your dad now? 

Yes, yes we are. Just last Eidul Fitri. Alhamdulillah.

So basically, that is about it regarding the 'why'. As for the post title, I was reminded by what my past naqibah told me, and she equates me with the likes of an ant.

Because I am small yet I am so 'strong'. 

To be honest, I don't think that I am. I mean, how can you be confident about your own strength? 

Only Allah knows and to tell you the truth, I am currently in a weak position but not really as bad as few years back. Most of the time, I pray I have the strength to overcome my worst enemy that is myself but it is quite hard when you hardly think good about yourself to begin with. 

I am trying, currently, to at least not think about it too much. I try to forgive myself and let go so that I can move on but sometimes I get so low I just can't do anything about it. 

Why am I telling you all these?

Because the The Rocking Hijab that you may know from my early years of becoming a Muslim may not be the same person anymore. 

I feel so wretched I want to dump my identity altogether so I can start anew but that will be too much hassle.

I remember when I was asking one of my audience recently about how was her impression of me since she also read my blog and she told me that she didn't see any difference at all, meaning, between me in the virtual and real world. 

I was quite disappointed because I was meaning to say, "Do you think I am the same person who you feel inspired with? Am I that inspirational in person too?' but I couldn't bring myself to say it. 

Perhaps I have a very high expectation of myself and usually, the one that I always disappoint is myself. 

To be honest, I don't really quite understand why I am writing all these. Perhaps I want some clarification, some justification so I know where I stand. 

I just hope when you meet me in real life, your opinion of me doesn't change, at least not for the worst.


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Comments

  1. A.November 23, 2013 at 10:30 PM

    Why do you feel bad about yourself? You always say that and I never understand..You have changed here and there in your writing I guess, not too much that I can see, and I guess I don't know you well enough in real life (lol, this internet thing is not real!) to know whether you have changed there (again, lol) but you should never feel bad about yourself. You don't have to serve people's expectations of you, if that's what you mean. Remember why people started reading your blog in the first place. Just keep doing that, write what you want.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The Rocking HijabNovember 24, 2013 at 8:13 AM

      Tbh, I don't even know myself. I used to write just because I need an outlet and the only reason that people come here that i can think of is because of all the dramas that happened last time. So now everyday is pretty much the same and everything is settled down now so yeah, i don't really know what to write about other than my personal issues with myself.

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