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Syahadah Incognito

 16:106
Whoever disbelieves in Allah after his belief... except for one who is forced [to renounce his religion] while his heart is secure in faith. But those who [willingly] open their breasts to disbelief, upon them is wrath from Allah , and for them is a great punishment;{An-Nahl, 16:106}

To be honest, I have never encountered this verse before, but the reason for it's descend (the asbabun nuzul) is because of the tale of Ammar bin Yasir. I'm sure everyone have heard of this story. The musyrikin were torturing Ammar's parents, Sumayyah and Yasir, and as a result, they die as martyrs and when the musyriks came upon Ammar, he immediately blurted out that he is a non-believer to save his life. Ammar went to Rasulullah (peace be upon him) later to inquiry about his state. The Prophet simply replied, "How was your heart when you utter such words? Does your heart agree?" Ammar said, "No." then thus, came the ayah/verse. 

Whoever disbelieves in Allah after his belief... except for one who is forced [to renounce his religion] while his heart is secure in faith.

I was like Ammar myself, except that I was not in such a state that forces me to verbally denounce my faith. Remember the time when I was becoming an underground Muslim? That time, I was forced to conceal my faith for fear of my safety, since I was afraid I might not be allowed to return to the peninsular should I confessed my faith at home where I will be far away from any help should I need one. But that was not the only reason; I feared for being disapproved and shunned by my family because of my choice. And also that I need to secure my faith.

I was 18 and all that time during when I was back home concealing my faith, I ditched my hijab and simply covered my hair with a beanie when I went back. I cleared my internet history after each usage. I set up another fake account. I beat around the bush when I was offered pork using the reason that I don't feel like eating altogether so when night came I munched on biscuits to survive. I lost 7 kg during my 9 months stay at home. I can only pray all 5 prayers of the day behind closed bolted doors in which the safest hour to do so was at midnight when everyone else's asleep. I went to the church on Sundays and if a Christian should came upon this blog, I'm pretty sure they would try to coax me back to my 'true faith' and that my drastic decision was merely a phase of confusion, like some of them did before. Just in case, it has been almost 5 years. I don't think anyone can be confused for that long unless you have dementia. 

When I proclaimed the syahadah, I knew all these would have to happen, and I knew that I have no other choice if I were to secure my faith. I was still new at that time so I was trying to keep my faith as intact as I can from the start. It was pretty hard at first, but I guess the trials kind of grows on you. 




I changed a lot since then but I am not sure how much of my old self did I retain. All I know is that, my perception of things changed since then. I'm glad those things happened to me, and the things that happened to me after I manage to bring myself to confess 2 years after. I've experienced betrayal, abandonment, and it was not really that easy to face but I keep on telling myself the whole time, "Allah knows I can face this" and so with that conviction I held my head high, and I guess that's how I managed to make it to this day. 

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal. (All praise to Allah in all circumstances)




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