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To be, or not to be.

I have recently finished We Need To Talk About Kevin by Lionel Shiver and it gave me a major hangover. I even cried like a baby at one of the chapters near to the end but I am not ashamed of this, at all. I am not going to write about the content. I feel that I might spoil things for you but here are few from the many quotes which makes me realized that I love this book as a whole. 

“...You can only subject people to anguish who have a conscience. You can only punish people who have hopes to frustrate or attachments to sever; who worry what you think of them. You can really only punish people who are already a little bit good.” ― Lionel Shriver, We Need to Talk About Kevin 
“I thought at the time that I couldn't be horrified anymore, or wounded. I suppose that's a common conceit, that you've already been so damaged that damage itself, in its totality, makes you safe.” ― Lionel Shriver, We Need to Talk About Kevin 
“Beware of what "everybody says".” ― Lionel Shriver, We Need to Talk About Kevin
“I see now what they mean by "holding your head high," and I am sometimes surprised by how much interior transformation a ramrod posture can afford. When I stand physically proud, I feel a small measure less mortified.” ― Lionel Shriver, We Need to Talk About Kevin
And many more.

But there's this one excerpt I have been trying to find on the net but it seems I will have to read through the book to relocate it again. That excerpt gave me a reason to think of myself and what I have been doing all my life, getting myself busy and what not.

Unlike Kevin, I did not have the ability to just sit and stare into space; I did not have the ability to just be. I must do something all the time and I cannot relax if there is nothing close to me that I can use to distract myself. In other words, I did not have the ability to just simply exist. It is as if by my doing something I am giving a meaning to my existence; it is as if I do, therefore I am.

I am not saying that not utilizing my time is something that I should aspire to do but I'm just saying, sometimes we need to put away everything that we are holding or doing aside and just look around us and see life in HD. Maybe the reason we are too ignorant of things is because we are too busy occupying ourselves with anything; be it work or play.

You see, I guess this is why I love reading. You get to be inside someone's head for a while and you come out a whole new person; not literally though. But of course, I am quite picky when it comes to books that I love. So far there are only 10 or more books from the hundreds of books that I have read that I actually considered worthy of rereading. I'm not saying that other books are bad; I'm just not that interested.

Anyways, alhamdulillah I am glad that I have a love for reading. If I don't, I would've been a much different person than I am today.

By the way, do you know that song Lose Yourself by Eminem? I have been listening to it on loop and every time I came to this part, 

"Success is my only ************* option, failure's not"

...I always feel my heart getting heavy with desperation. I understood that desperation and I have no other option, in my condition, to become a failure. 

You know why I was not making a big deal of the publishing of my book? People only know about the existence of my book when I was announcing that I will be phone interviewed and a lot of friends or family were hurt because they didn't know that it was already published since a long time ago and they were wondering why I was keeping it low, and from them.

It is because I am still my father's daughter. 

I'm really not trying to explain myself. I guess I'm just looking for an outlet to let this out so bear with me.

I realized this when we met for the first time in years last Eid. After arriving at the air port, I hugged my dad and that was the first time since I was born that I hugged my own father. My family's not the touchy feely type so yeah, you can imagine the shock that he might have had during my 'ambush'.

We went to eat lunch afterwards and me and my dad ordered the same dish. Apparently I exampled my taste from father so I guess we're really quite the same after all. I acted and thought like my dad, and I guess I just hope that I can understand his heart a little bit more because he closed his heart to everyone, even himself. 

I love him. I really do, so I hate it so much when people are speculating that I don't care about my dad. I do, which is why I am still doing what I am doing today.

I'm going to get that Dr title inshaAllah, because that's the only thing that mattered. At least, to him; and that is enough for me.

"Success is my only ************* option, failure's not"

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Speak good, or remain silent. (Bukhari & Muslim)

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