It is TIME to move on.

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

***

I wonder what is it that drove me to write this. It is quite unlike me but then, I feel the need to and perhaps by doing this, I might finally be able to really forgive, because I found out that you haven't really forgiven someone if you claim that you did but you don't forget. So the 'forgiving doesn't mean forgetting' saying doesn't count as forgiving.

Referring to this hadith,

Daripada Abu Sa'id al-Khudri, Rasulullah s.a.w. bersabda yang bermaksud :
"Allah berfirman kepada ahli syurga, maksudnya : 'Wahai ahli syurga.'
Mereka menjawab : 'Kami memenuhi panggilan-Mu wahai Tuhan kami. Kebahagiaan
daripada-Mu dan kebaikan atas kekuasaan-Mu.'
Allah bertanya, maksudnya : 'Adakah kamu redha?' Mereka menjawab : 'Mengapa kami tidak redha wahai Tuhan kami. Engkau telah memberikan kepada kami apa-apa yang belum pernah Engkau berikan kepada seorang pun daripada makhluk-Mu.'
Allah berfirman lagi yang bermaksud : 'Tahukah kalian, sesungguhnya Aku memberikan
yang lebih baik daripada itu kepada kalian?' Mereka bertanya dengan hairan : 'Wahai Tuhanku, wujudkah sesuatu yang lebih baik daripada itu?'
Firman Allah, maksudnya : 'Aku perkenankan redha-Ku kepada kalian, dan Aku tidak akan murka kepada kalian selepas itu selama-lamanya.'
(Riwayat al-Bukhari dan Muslim)

The word 'redha' or 'رضي' were mentioned repeatedly in the Quran so I am just gonna take one verse just so that I could refer to it  for the meaning.

Certainly was Allah pleased with the believers when they pledged allegiance to you, [O Muhammad], under the tree, and He knew what was in their hearts, so He sent down tranquillity upon them and rewarded them with an imminent conquest [al-Fath, 48 : 18]

 So just imagine if Allah were to say to us in Jannah (inshaAllah), "I have forgiven you guys but hey, guess what? I won't ever be able to feel redha towards you." Which equalize to mean that He hasn't forgotten what you did, therefore, He didn't actually forgive you. I mean, if you're constantly remembering about it, how will you ever feel pleased with that person? Just thinking about what that person did to you got you bubbling inside with anger, so how can you say that you have forgiven them, or that you are pleased with them?

Have you ever done something so bad to the person you loved most, e.g. your mum, that you wish they would just forget about it? Even to his makhluk you hoped that they would forgive and forget what you've done because it pains you to think that they would never forget what you did, what more of Allah, who we know by instinct, the only One that loves us even though we are full of flaws that we couldn't imagine of anyone knowing because the flaws are too humiliating.

So the same goes to those who sincerely apologized to you for what they have done. It would pain them to know that we haven't actually forgiven them in the first place. And even though there are those who never apologized or pretended to, we should still forgive them. And I did read somewhere that, if we feel so hard to forgive, it will also be hard for Allah to forgive us for our wrongdoings. Of course, I'm not saying that He can't forgive us. It's just that I assume that He will choose not to, since we are not that merciful among ourselves.

And that's just the muqaddimah.

So now begins the real post.

From the time that I was a child up till now, I have faced and felt so much misery that my growing up wasn't really character building. From when I was a little kid, I aim to please Mr. X with my academic performance since that was the only way I could get him to actually talk to me nicely. I grew up with constant threats and I remembered locking myself in the bathroom just because I got 3rd place when I was 8. I remembered because the reason I locked myself in the first place is because Mr. X told me if I were to place less than 1st place in my class, he will cane me on my palm according to the number I placed. So that meant I will get 3 strikes on my palm. But of course, being a child, my self-restrain wasn't that great so I have to get out of the bathroom because it was so cold and ended up being caned. I remembered being caned for playing with my so-called 'dumber' friends. I remembered looking left and right whenever I engage with my so-called 'dumber' friends while waiting for Mr. X to pick me up after school. I remembered being thrashed at everything I did wrong and usually it was my first time doing it and immediately I was called a bumbling idiot. Imagine being 12 and you are threatened that you won't be allowed to go to school and that you will stay at home as a maid if you don't get 5As for your UPSR. I don't have much to say after I become 13 because that's when I left home for boarding school where I only went back home for once a year. I remembered crying at Mr. X's text message during my 18th birthday which although is only made up of a single sentence of 'Happy birthday to my beautiful daughter' because that was the first time he called me beautiful. I grew up seeking his approval and up till now, I kind of think I am still seeking for it...I remembered when I tried to tell him my problems as I entered my teenage years, or do something nice for Mr. X, he told me that anything not academic-related is rubbish and I stopped trying to show affection or seek for his understanding ever since.

It's a wonder I don't end up doing drugs or anything. And of course, alhamdulillah for that.

And my social life wasn't that great either. I was always teased and made fun of. One guy once told me that everything about me is beautiful except for my teeth. That crushed my self-esteem ever since and whenever a guy told me he liked me, I never believed them because I thought that perhaps someone secretly betted with them to play with my feelings. I despised romantic novels and I felt like puking to sappy Malay dramas(which is why I never watched them, not in my life). Since my home life was so screwed up, I get clingy to anyone I made friends with, which of course made them restless because I want to be with them all the time. I was that needy and up to the age of 18, I kept on seeking for attention and when I engage in a relationship when I was 18, I thought I finally got it. I thought, perhaps someone special was what I need. But I ended up feeling worst and empty, and some time around that worst moment of my life, I returned to His deen. And here I am today. Alhamdulillah.

And after I become a Muslim, I endured a lot too...and one of things that got me into the worst state ever is when I was rejected by my dad after I confessed that I have become a Muslim. I fell into depression and struggled to make it to the next day. I hated being alive at that moment simply because my reality feels like its crushing and suffocating me. Am still fighting it, this time with my husband's help since he wanted to be a psychiatrist anyway. So...that actually makes me his 'first patient'. And my lecturer did ask me to see a psychiatrist so I guess that counts?

Anyway, to tell you the truth, there are lots of other bitter memories as well, but I think these memories that I have stated are the ones that I really need to let go. Because if I don't, it will get harder for me to be grateful for the other nicer things that's in my life and it will be hard for me to live in the moment.

I have decided that it is finally time to let go of my past and learn from it instead of remembering it and making it as an excuse for the reason of why I behave differently to certain things etc.

It is time to move on, and accept the person that I am today, the better version of me. Even if I didn't, life is just gonna move on anyway. So it is entirely up to me to either stay in the past or move in the present to make a better future for the future family of my own and for Islam, inshaAllah.

I won't linger in the past anymore. I won't.

"Sometimes we can't just say "Allah has a better plan for us." 

We have to believe He does."