What doesn't kill you

"The journey will look different for all of us. Some of us might get knocked down the chute 5 times or more, while others take the ladders straight up.
It doesn't matter. What matters is that we find our own way and persevere."
Hollye Dexter

I once read that if people for once look at depressed people like how they would look at a cancer patient, perhaps the world would be a much better place. Sometimes depressed people seems lazy because they just wouldn't get out of bed or do anything at all. They have given up on life and yet no one seems to want to try understand that. Instead they judge and cut the wound deeper as they throw accusations and judgments. 

But of course, if I were in their shoes, perhaps I would have acted the same. Problem is, I was once on the other side of the road. I was, once, depressed. I wonder how that happened but I guess when something real extreme happened to you, you tend to just crack you know. 

Coping comes only after I realized that I was depressed. Before that, I used to think that I am nothing but a burden to this world and I keep on questioning the reason for my living on this world since I don't seem to contribute anything to the world anyway. I tried escaping from my reality but of course, that would be impossible unless I am dead. Oh and yes, I once thought of the peace that perhaps I would  have achieved if I am to just die. Seriously, I understood that this kind of talk is somewhat negative and despicable but the reason I am writing about this is because I think, I am healing.

Healing is not that easy. A few friends once said to me when I got married, that it's good that I'm married now because that would mean I would finally be happy. 

Here's the thing; it ain't true. 

Getting married doesn't solve my issues. They don't solve my relationship with my dad, which I identify to be the cause of my depression and marriage also does not solve my weltschmerz problem.

But I got through it all the same, that is, after a lot of crying and lashing out at my only confidante, which unfortunately happens to be my husband.

I am not saying that marriage helps me deal with my issues. I'm saying that it makes it a little bit easier to handle. That's all.

My self-help method was to read on positive stuffs, and learning to accept my past and not to fear too much on the future. Reciting and understanding the Quran also helps a lot and alhamdulillah, I'm much better now. Way better to be exact.

Talking about it sometimes help, but sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes analyzing yourself helps make you admit what your actual problem is instead of making excuses but be careful not to blame yourself too much. That would be a vicious cycle if you start thinking badly about yourself. 

Change takes time, especially changing for the better and process is sometimes easy but sometimes it can be painful that you just want to give up. 

The key is not to give up, no matter how screwed you feel you are, and most important is to not compare yourself with others. Everyone's battle is unique to each and every one of us. Don't judge. 

I pray for those who experienced the same thing to heal at their own pace with the help of Allah. Ameen. 

Good luck.