No regrets

In the name of Allah,

Most Gracious, Most Merciful,

Praise be to Allah,

the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,

and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

***

[Caution : A very lengthy post. Don't say I didn't warn ya.]

The photo has nothing to do with the post. Credits to the husband.

In my family's point of view, I have always been the one who is a bit...off. Enough to give them a terrible headache. Having someone like me in the family is perhaps a little bit challenging. 

As you all know, I went on and made the decision to become a Muslim, even when I know my parents strongly objects to that idea. And then I got married.

So yes, my life has been pretty much me making decisions on my own, and going with what I think is right. My reason for doing so is that I am not good at handling regrets. I do not like to live with regrets so I went on with it, despite how crazy it may sound. Did I tell you that I decided to marry my husband because I think that he's The One without having met him at all at that time? I didn't even know anything about his family but I just think that hey, I feel like I can trust this guy so yeah I just went on with it. 

In my family, I'm the one that always gets into this kind of stuffs, things that people would normally not do with the right mind, considering all the risks. But of course, what's right for them most of the time, isn't for me. 

So when people came to me asking questions, especially my opinion on their soon-to-be life changing decisions, I made sure to ask whether they know what's coming to them and that, if they are really sincere about it. It may sound harsh but I have to make sure that they really know and if they are really prepared for what's coming. Call me practical, but I'm just being realistic, delivering the cold truth beforehand so that they won't say, "I never saw this coming."

When I decided to become a Muslim, I have already predicted what will happen. My parents will of course get mad at me, and the worst case scenario will be that I get disowned. That's exactly what happened, except that it was only on my dad's side. My mum was generally pissed off but I persevered and contacted her all the same, pretending as if my becoming a Muslim is nothing, which in reality is actually, nothing big, if you think about it. 

I prepared my ammo for my battle and I know exactly the kind of hurt that I will be facing. I was real close to considering suicide but alhamdulillah that I never actually went as far as really considering it. When my dad decided to severe his affiliations with me, I've seen it coming but I never realized that I would fall into depression because of that, and so, I handled my depression badly.

I stopped going to classes, I stopped trying to live, I might as well be dead.  I indirectly try to hurt myself, by going to places alone, making myself vulnerable, and absent mindedly crossing the road, hoping that perhaps a car might hit me, accidentally, that pretty much concludes the extent of how messed up my mind was at that time. 

I persevered, and pray that Allah will lift my depression away, and that I will stop thinking about dying and giving up on the world. This may seem so full of drama but I have to admit, that was what I felt back then, in 2010 up till 2012.

In that 2 years, I disconnected with almost everyone who tried to help me. I pushed people away, I don't want people to be in my life. That was until I got married. I was in a pretty bad state when I got married, and I was still enduring my depression and trying to correct myself. My husband forced me to set myself straight and things have been endurable ever since. I can totally say that my depression era is totally over now, even though some part of me is still broken and hurting. It still hurts to say 'I love you' now and then, to actually acknowledge that I am bound to him for the rest of my life, and it is really hard when I know that this time I can't run away whenever my 'demon' attacks. I had relapse at times but it is easier, alhamdulillah, now that I have someone who I think the only person who actually cares about my feelings and not just approaching me to ask me how I was doing out of curiosity and left.

Of course, being the independent person that I am, I keep on trying to solve my own problems myself but he keeps on saying, "It's OUR problem, for US to solve." This couple thing is not easy for me, sometimes I feel that I can't breath on my own and sometimes I wanted to yell at him to just leave me alone but I kept in mind the fact that he is actually my husband and not someone else, but someone who actually holds most of my key to Jannah and I don't want to be disrespectful to him and get on Allah's bad side, so I lowered my ego and let him into my heart and mind. 

I guess this is why I can heal so much faster. Perhaps it is because I was forced to actually acknowledge my issues and stuffs. 

Anyway, for some people, maybe Allah has other plans for them, and for me, perhaps a husband is needed. I am not saying that people should all get married because hey, some actually got depressed after doing so. Marriage is not a solution for everything but perhaps it is in my case.

To be honest, it makes me cringe to actually acknowledge that marriage is making me a whole lot better Muslim because I am such a feminist and I used to think that ALL guys are despicable and I have this idea that I DON'T NEED A MAN. I was really independent, but I wanted to be a mom. I still feel like throwing up in my mouth whenever I saw disturbing status updates or shares about marriage and stuffs, and to be honest, I really felt sick of people sharing Sis Irma Hasmie's wedding photo with cheesy captions.  

I don't hate marriages, don't get me wrong, it's good to get all halal anyway, but what I dislike is when people think of marriage as only full of sugar and spice and everything nice. (credits to Professor Utonium) I used to think that marriage is burden, to be honest, because well, I'm not really from a lovey dovey family. Seriously I came from a family that makes marriage and having kids look like something that is really burdensome so you can't actually blame me for having a negative perception of it.

It is a real culture shock for me when I got married into his family where his family is poles apart from mine. They ACTUALLY gathered for a family dinner and it is weird to see their family all loving and caring, even towards the in laws. But I feel warm and I think to myself, this is the kind of family that I want to have later when I have kids. 

Anyway, how did I come into this marriage subject? Never mind.

This is really a long rant but what I'm trying to say is, the reason that I keep holding on is because I'm not dead yet. Every single day that you wake up to is full of chances and opportunity to change towards the better, so now, I'm real glad to be alive, every single wake. 

If you want to make a change in your life, don't wait. Just go on with it. So that you will never have to live a life full of regrets. If people ask you, "Why all of a sudden?" "Why now?", just say, "Why not?" "Why should I wait until later?" It's up to you, really, whether you want it or not.

Enough pep talk from me. Here's my favourite verses from Surah 'Ali Imran, verse 159-160, with regards to this post,

So by mercy from Allah , [O Muhammad], you were lenient with them. And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in heart, they would have disbanded from about you. So pardon them and ask forgiveness for them and consult them in the matter. And when you have decided, then rely upon Allah . Indeed, Allah loves those who rely [upon Him].

If Allah should aid you, no one can overcome you; but if He should forsake you, 

who is there that can aid you after Him? And upon Allah let the believers rely.

Salam jumu'ah and peace out.

"Sometimes we can't just say "Allah has a better plan for us." 

We have to believe He does."