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The Syakirah Project : Day 8

Somehow, a series of flashbacks flooded my mind today. I remembered when I was absent mindedly singing Feliz Navidad and a friend shush me off. That incident reminded me of a friend of mine who is uneasy just looking at the cross. To be honest, I don't see the reason why you should be afraid of any Christian related items if you know you'll never going to convert. If you're already set your mind that you're going to stay a Muslim forever, looking at a cross won't magically convert you. It's not like it has any special powers of it's own and I wouldn't know if it does but let me just tell you this, I have an altar at my home back in Sarawak. All the while I was in hiding of my Muslim identity, I passed by the altar every day and you can't avoid even a glance at the cross and a mini statue of Mother Mary. It's just so obvious you can't miss it. I've also touched the Holy Water with my hands when I went to church at that time too but I'm still here aren't I?

I guess superstitions die hard too when you're fed with numerous rumors all your life.

Anyway, when talking about church, I remember this one moment a few years ago when my dad suddenly spoke to me in a tone so gentle that I can't afford to not remember what he said at that time. 

"I like it here, in church. This is where families bond."

He said that and stared fondly in front of him. I looked around too at that time. I agreed with him because everyone is clustered in their own group of family, you can't help but smile looking at the warm setting.

Now that I remember this, I find myself tearing up because I have misunderstood him all along. 

Daddy, you did care. 

Thinking of the prospect that I'll be meeting him for the first time after all these years of silence makes my tummy feel like it's setting up a butterfly farm in there. 

It's the only way he knew to raise me up. He never knew all the name calling would hurt me that much. I should've been more forgiving, and I should've tried to understand that we're different than other families out there. 

I miss him. I miss him a lot. :'(

I'm not sorry that this happened; I'm sorry that I'm too cowardly to face you, but this coward will try to fight her fear. I can, and I will. Just watch me.



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Speak good, or remain silent. (Bukhari & Muslim)

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