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Fears

In the name of Allah,
Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
Praise be to Allah,
the Cherisher and Sustainer of the Worlds,
and Peace and Prayer be upon the Final Prophet and Messenger. Abdullah Yusuf Ali, The Holy Quran

Fears. What are they really?

Fear can be developed in many ways. It can come from our past experiences, or even from our own presumption. We fear what we don't know, and also we fear from the past that we really try to forget. But the funny thing is, the way it works, as how I see it, the more you try to run away from something, the longer it will linger by your side until you yourself gave up and succumbed, admitting to your defeat.

Right now, I feel drowned in my sea of fears, flailing my arms desperately trying to get help, trying to seek attention from whatever or whoever that is near to me. But I forgot there is only one that can save me from this suffocation that I am experiencing, that is Allah. Allah the Almighty. Did I not always remind myself that there is no strength and might save by the will of Allah?

I apologize for those who might have wanted to seek motivation from me through my writings but this is the kind of posts I am bound to write lately. This explains pretty much why I have been putting myself in isolation for a while, and I am sorry to have fallen into this ongoing unmotivated state. It is intermittent but definitely recurrent. I have been fighting for my own that I forgot to sit and wait for the storm to end. It is as if I know that there is a storm brewing but I keep on adjusting my sails though I could have just waited for the weather to clear up a bit. In short, what I am doing to myself is futile and it is not going anywhere.

I could have been stronger for a bit, but in the end, I feel nothing. Nothing excites me, because nothing seems to be sure in my life of lately.

I know that, someday, I will be able to go back to the house that I call home. I know that, someday, I will be able to see my siblings once again. I know that, someday, my father will gradually accept me.

But of course, I am not certain of the time, nor am I certain of anything to this moment. I am not even certain that I will be able to finish dental school, and thoughts of uncertainty keeps flooding my limited space of mind and last night, I felt something snapped inside.

Being strong is never a choice, it is just the only option I have left.

Other reverts out there that I see, maintained strong and upbeat, but me? What is happening to me and why am I the only one like this?

In the end, I am not as strong as I claimed to be. It was merely a mask to hide from my own weak identity. So then, who am I, really?



We must hurt in order to grow, fail in order to know, & lose in order to gain. Because some lessons in life, are best learnt through pain.

Comments

  1. roseNovember 17, 2011 at 4:12 PM

    "I know that, someday, I will be able to go back to the house that I call home. I know that, someday, I will be able to see my siblings once again. I know that, someday, my father will gradually accept me."

    Ameen!

    In my opinion, everyone has a weak side, that he/she try hide in front of others... cause actually, by hiding our weakness, is somehow show that we are strong... able to do that, and proving that we still don't give up. and everyone does that, i think. Try remove ur doubts n uncertainties, by believing in what He in stored 4 U is the best. InsyaAllah. may Allah bless U

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousNovember 17, 2011 at 6:38 PM

    absolutely agreed with rose...to know your weakness, to get up when you fall, meant that you are strong...dont ever give up..chill~
    insya'Allah...^^

    ReplyDelete
  3. I.N.T.A.NNovember 18, 2011 at 9:41 AM

    salam farah,

    firstly, i want to say how i am touched with ur writing. i am amazed by the love that you have for Allah, which is far more greater compared to me Malay-Muslim born in my 28 years living.

    i learnt one valuable lesson from ur writing: we, Malay can inherit Islam from our parents and grandparents, but we can never inherit Iman from them.

    and, of course darling, nothing is guaranteed in this life, we can plan but Allah decides all. so, don't feel sad too much.

    my prayer is always with u.

    i love you sis because of Allah.

    ReplyDelete
  4. The Rocking HijabNovember 18, 2011 at 10:41 AM

    TRH-rose:

    Thanks sis. :) Ameen. And may Allah bless u too. :)



    TRH-INTAN:

    Wassalam warahmatullah,

    thanks sis. May Allah bless u too, ameen. :)Love u lillah too. Huhu ^^

    ReplyDelete

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