Life

[A post written back when I was 19. Now I'm 22. Gosh, I'm oldddd.]

Date: 15th July 2009

I’m alone.

That is the reality of life. You cannot change that because that’s the truth. Even how cold blooded it may sound, you want honesty, and you have it. Even if the truth is metaphored as a tight slap across the face, but it’s telling you to wake up, to wake up from the world full of fantasy, that you’ve created inside your mind, which you’ve forced yourself to believe. Most of us are living this make-believe world, thinking that every cloud has a silver lining, which is true but like the TV ad said, terms and conditions apply. We force ourselves to believe, to believe what we wanted to believe, to see what we wanted to see, to hear what we wanted to hear. But the truth is, reality hurts.

Now, what is left for me is just my faith, which I know, is not enough to support the whole aftermath that is about to come. Ever seen someone who’s lost, without family which turned against his/her belief, without help from others who used to preach to them, without financial help, without shelter? Well, that’s the reality that’s faced by most muallafs in this country. Only a minority survived, even then, those minors had their own money, meaning they are working people, age ranging from 25-30. But what about those who is still a teenager, of age 18 and above? Ever thought of supporting them? Even the Pejabat Agama officers didn’t think of them seriously the minute they entered the office, telling them that they wanted to revert.

Where’s the warm welcome? What’s the difference between us and those older than us? Is it because we’re still a young adult? Oh, I didn’t know that Islam taught us to have a double standard when it comes to becoming a Muslim? Sceptics. Oh, I’m so sick of them. Rules. Regulations. Why burden us with the frivolous so-called protocols? To heed the order of the authority. When it comes to religion, must authorities be a priority?

I’ve been patient all this while. First, it’s the name problem. When I came to collect my Surat Pengesahan Memeluk Agama Islam at the pejabat agama, I questioned the Abdullah behind my name. They said, that’s what’s written in the registration form so they can’t change that. I said I didn’t know about that. I thought the Abdullah was just temporary. Then they said, haven’t we told you that you can maintain your father’s name? I said, No, you didn’t tell me anything. You said, just fill in the forms and I did. Then they senselessly said that, Oh, sorry, I must have forgotten. Well, with the amount of muallafs that registered each year, these things do happen.

1. Forgotten???? That is so unforgivable.
2. What’s with the regret tone when saying about the abundant amount of muallafs? What? Are we equivalent to live stocks to you people???

I was close to tears when one of them told me that I can go to the main HQ if I really wanted to change them. Then I went to the HQ. After I came in the department in charge of this matter, they told me that there is too many process to go through. Too many procedures. The authorities won’t have it. Whatever. It’s just that I’m sick of this. I’m tired of being the ball of the game, being kicked forward and backward, just to please the authorities.

Second, about the card matter. I have to go through this one week course to obtain my Islam card. I’ve told them that I’m under a scholarship programme and I can’t simply skip 3 days classes to attend the course. And I’ve explained that I’ve enough guide and I even have Ustaz to teach me if they’re not confident of the help from my colleagues. But they said, they WOULD have let it pass but it’s the protocol. Oh, again with the blooming protocols. Have I mentioned that I HATE protocols? Especially protocols that made your life much more difficult than it’s supposed to be???

Yeah, who am I to argue with the so-called grown-ups? I’m just merely a teenager. I have no stand. I have no rights to fight for my right, if there is, to begin with. Complicated? Welcome to my life.

***

But that was then. Now, I’ve found my answer. This is just a test. A test. And I have to go through it, come hell or high water, whether I like it or not. Thank you Allah for blessing me with friends that can advise me when I’m in the wrong, when I’m down in the dumps.
Alhamdulillah~