What it's like?

Date: 30th of November 2009

Being at home is not that easy, at my condition right now. So now i will come clean about the whole situation.

1. Performing the prayer

This part, is not easy. Seriously. I have to pray in a sitting position(which is a blessing in disguise for me because of rukhsah) and i have to cover my head with 'kain batik' and feet with my cute pink socks. Thank goodness for google earth(and other related website) because i finally got the qiblah correct this time and also the correct prayer times. Phew~ At least, its going to be easier this time. I remembered my first time going home after reverting, well, i cried the first time i prayed. I cried so hard because my mum nearly caught me. Thank God for the locks and bolts. Now, this time, i am much more careful but still, the adrenaline levels every time i pray was like so high, as if i were about to be killed.

Every time i prayed, it was like a suicide mission. Can you imagine living with that?

So yeah, i have to keep myself calm through out the prayer and well, its pretty tiring actually but still, at least, i can pray. :)


2. Covering my aurat

Every time i was forced to go out, i could only cover up just a little because it is not possible for me to cover my hair and feet so the rest, i'll make do with what ever i can.

I'm really afraid that i might forget the feeling of covering up, because only my pictures on facebook could remind me of myself, hijabbed. :(

This is starting to bug me. Really, really bugging me.

3. Food

Whenever i were to eat outside(of course with my family), at a non-halal restaurant, i would pick my own menu and although the chicken might not be halal but at least, i ate chicken. Every time i ate outside, i will constantly think to myself that, insyaALLAH, in the name of ALLAH, it is halal for me to eat.

Devastated? Imagine if you are in my situation.

But alhamdulillah, at home, food is not a problem because we ate fish and i cooked so it won't be much of a problem. By the way, i'm a good cook! Haha~ =)


4. Reciting the Quran and etc.

Of course, recitation of the Holy Quran is off limits but sometimes, when i'm sure everyone is asleep or nobody's home, i would plug in my earphone to the laptop and listen to the recitation of the Holy Quran to keep myself at ease. (yeah, even with ear phone on, you can never be at ease, can you? Just in case someone is nearby and saw the playlist)


5. More?

-Every single time i browsed the net, before leaving my laptop on its own, whether its on or off, i would delete my browsing history. Every single time i logged off. Which means, a lot.

-At the airport, before i board the plane to go back home that day, i threw my hijab into the dustbin when nobody's looking.

-I kept all my hijab and related items that may reveal my reversion at my naqibah's house.

-I have two facebook profiles and one of it is used as a decoy to let my brother think that i am normal and not suspecting.

-I placed all my soft copy of Quran recitation under one folder which i named as my housemate's things.

And the list goes on and on. And on.


Hard life? Think about it.

My advice is do not take your freedom to practise your religion for granted.

Because SOME of us may not be so lucky and have to take risks to save their faith and equally, their life.

But somehow, even though i've gone through a lot of mishaps and difficulty, i NEVER once regretted my choice. If i were to relive my life again, i would definitely make the same choice.

I know this is the right path for me, and for that, i am never going to give up. But alas, there will always be my moments of weakness, and this is where i usually start to cry.

Actually, i really HATE crying but, somebody(i seriously don't remember who it was) once said,

"Too much laughter can affect the tenderness of the heart."

And so, i'll accept my sorrow and misery if i were to be rewarded with something prettier, that is...

FAITH.....


Till the next post.