Dot dot dot

Date: 3rd of January 2010

For the past few days i have been feeling nothing. Literally speaking, my problems that were there hanging around my head before, for a second there, i feel as if they didn't matter at all. As if they were not a big deal, as if i am the one getting worked up over nothing.

A while ago, after cleaning up after my brother's vomit, my mum blamed me for him puking all over the place. He's been vomiting every 5 minutes and he has a slow fever so, it is to be expected from a baby. But what ticks me off is when she blamed me for that. There i was, tired and exhausted doing all the chores at home, while they were not home being at work. I understand they have to do their work but sometimes, when i'm tired, i get mad easily but usually i would remind myself " Relax, they're just tired, That's all." Yes, i am really mad at them for venting their stress at me and blaming me for everything that went wrong but i tried so hard to be patient sometimes.

All these were just too much for me, not only i have issues within, but i also have issues with my family. It is hard to live with people who don't believe in the same thing. You might not understand what i am trying to say but let's put it this way.

"I hope you are going to pass. Or else you would have to do something else that's not worth the paycheck. Nanti ko kena kerja jadi driver lorry ke ape ke."

I really wanted to reply "InsyaALLAH. Kalau ada rezeki ada la." but how can I?

It's hard to explain something like this in simple words to someone who don't believe in qada' and qadar e.g. my dad.

It really pissed me off when he went on and on downgrading people around us who don't have the advantage in academics and wealth. I am just scared that karma will pay him a visit one day. But i can't possibly tell him that because if i do so, my secret would not be a secret no more and this will end up with me getting kicked out of the house.

But then, when i was looking up at the ceiling while trying so hard not to cry, i remembered when i first reverted to Islam.

"Sekarang awak jangan fikir sangat pasal ibadah dulu. Maksud abang, awak mantapkan aqidah dulu."

"Huh?" Sedikit pelik dengan perkataan yang terluah dari mulut senior yang aku segani itu,

" Abang bukan tak suka awak cepat2 nak pakai tudung semua. Alhamdulillah dan abang memang lagi menggalakkan. Abang faham awak mesti rasa nak belajar semua dengan cepat kan?"

" Ha'ah, malam tadi saya dah belajar solat. Dah hafal dah bacaan dia." Ujarku bangga. Masakan tidak, baru saja dua hari bergelar muslimah, aku cepat menangkap segala bacaan dalam solat malah aku baru sahaja mempelajari segalanya pada waktu asar, dan terus isya' pada hari yang sama.

"Alhamdulillah ALLAH terangkan hati awak. Maksud abang dekat sini kalau boleh, jangan risau2 pasal tak hafal doa qunut lagi dan macam2 lagi. Sekarang ni maksud abang, kalau boleh awak mantapkan dulu aqidah. Yang ibadah, slow2 belajar. Jangan paksa diri. Islam kan memudahkan. ALLAH takkan hukum awak sebab banyak tak tahu. ALLAH kan Maha Mengetahui. Kira sekarang abang dan kakak2 ni nak preparekan awak untuk masa balik rumah nanti."

Aku merenung lama wajah seniorku itu. Terus aku menoleh ke arah dua orang kakak seniorku yang turut bersamaku ketika itu. Mereka senyum. Aku mengangguk faham.

I know, i have to be strong at times like these. Sometimes it is hard. It is.

"Macam mana hubungan awak dengan parents?" Soal seniorku.

"Biasa-biasa je. Kitorang tak rapat sangat. Telefon pun sebab nak bagitau result ataupun diorang telefon pun sebab nak tanya duit ada lagi ke tak." Aku menjawab acuh tak acuh.

"Kalau macam tu, mulai sekarang, awak contactla diorang selalu. Tanya khabar." Dia senyum.

Aku mengeluh perlahan.

"Awak nanti balik rumah kena tunjuk ketinggian akhlak. Berubahla sikit-sikit." Sambungnya lagi.

"InsyaALLAH." Ujarku perlahan. Memang aku sedikit degil dan melawan ketika di rumah. Semenjak kecil aku tidak pernah merasai kasih sayang sepertimana kawan-kawanku rasakan. Aku begitu benci melihat rakan-rakanku yang dipeluk cium oleh ibu bapa mereka kerana aku tidak pernah merasakannya. Bapaku asyik menekankan, pelajaran tu penting, duit itu keperluan supaya aku boleh bermewah-mewah di kemudian hari. Kehidupanku cuma untuk pelajaran, keputusan ujian dan wang. Gagal dalam peperiksaan dianggap kekecewaan. Soal agama tidak pernah ditekankan. Cuma ibu sahaja yang asyik menekan ku supaya pergi ke gereja pada Ahad.

"Awak faham kan apa maksud akak?" Suara seniorku itu menghentikan lamunanku.

"Hmm...faham."

" Macam ni, apa yang Kak A nak sampaikan ialah supaya nanti bila awak dah bersedia nak bagitau parents, nanti parents awak takdela marah sangat sebab dia nampak perubahan positif dekat awak tu semenjak tarikh awak masuk islam." Abang seniorku pula cuba menerangkan.

"Oh, ok." Aku senyum.

Sometimes, it is hard to be a good daughter like i wanted to. Sometimes, i get into a rage and when i realised that, it is kind of, too late. But now, i think i can do this. Trying so hard though. And just for the sake of fulfilling my duty as a daughter towards my parents. They, though how different our beliefs are, are still my flesh and blood.

And true enough, after i start contacting my parents twice a week or sometimes every night, my parents started to become more attentive and they seem to understand me more. Maybe i forgot how hard it is for them to have a daughter who were only home once a year and grew her teenage life away from home. Well, i started going to boarding school here in Selangor since i was 13 and only went home for the end of year break. Boy, tough. But now, it has been better,well at least, things have improved a bit.

When i asked for ALLAH to give me patience, i got more problems as a result. I don't know why i don't blame Him for that. At the end of the day, I would smile to myself and say "How thoughtful, and how knowing."

All this while i have been thinking "Eee, bestnye kalau jadi macam orang ni. Nak jadi macam dia la." But this time, i have had enough. I am not going to reflect on other people's life, i've got my own and i should stop trying to be like whoever, instead, i should try live my own.

And i'm living it now. Though how hard it gets sometimes, but i'll be sure to rise back. InsyaALLAH.