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Baggage

There are lots of things that I have dread in the past but I have never actually 'cried, yelled or grieved' about it. I have always thought that crying won't solve anything but then again, where will all that strong emotions go? One thing for sure you'll end up dreading about it for years to come, just like what I did. 

I have never been vocal about my problems. I am not the type to advertise my disappointments all over the place or all over the social network. At least, not deep ones. 

So I'm going to 'yell' about this and maybe I'll finally let my heart off some old baggage it has been trying to get rid off for ages :


1. I did not pass my A-Levels cut off point to go to India. 
For those with the same experience, you will understand what I feel. Top that with negative reactions from the parents, say, not talking to you for two months, that will surely leave a mark. Yeah, I should have been over this already since it happened back in 2009 but like I said, I never actually cried, yelled or grieved (simply said, go all emo about it) so it has stayed with me for years now. My reason was because of the effect that I had to endure after that. I feel like a disappointment and I was blamed for it. I'm the first born you see so it is really necessary to put all that responsibility on me since I have 3 more kid brothers below me. I am also disappointed with myself because I really want to study abroad since I was a kid and as a small town girl, I never thought I would get that chance. So yeah, I really hated myself back then.

2. I screwed up during my talk

Perhaps the audience did not feel the same but I feel like a nervous wreck in front of the audience and I accidentally said things that was not necessary. I have been dreading this for years now and really, I wish I could be given another chance to correct my mistakes. Thank goodness people don't usually remember what you said but what you are.

Here's why I should be thankful :

  1. I am given the second chance to prove myself here in USM. So far I see dentistry is meant to be my future. InshaAllah.
  2. I deliver myself better in writing it seems. Perhaps I am not meant to talk in public. 



All in all, I am glad I'm still alive cause it meant one thing: I can still correct my mistakes and repent for my mountains of sins. Alhamdulillah. 


Al-Fatihah to the deceased.  May they belong to the group of people that He is pleased with. Ameen.



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