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Fibrosis


As I skimmed through my past posts which I have reverted to drafts, I find that I have changed a lot since the last 4 years. I wouldn't have thought that I would be this way after 4 years  of reversion but oh well, people change. That's the nature of human anyway. If not, we would still be in the state of the past. We adapt, that's what we call change. For myself, I have changed and I have to admit, a lot.

I have become more opinionated since the last four years and I have become more and more expressionless. I look older when I talk but that's just the maturation process I guess, and in my case, my experiences gave me a great deal of material to talk about. I know that I view things, most things at a different perspective, and sometimes it made me look like a jerk just because I couldn't relate to most of the troubles that my peers are facing. I mean, how many of my peers actually reverted to Islam, for instance. Even that had ruled out so many. 

Before I become a Muslim, to be honest, I was so carefree but now all I do is think, and a lot more than I used to since the last 4 years. Perhaps all the trials, blow by blow, they gave me lots to think and my teacher is Allah himself, continuously giving me tests that sometimes I feel like giving up on life altogether, but of course, I don't. I still know my limits. 

I was hurt a lot of times, and sometimes my heart felt like exploding and what is wrong with crying a lot? I was not crying because I cannot brain the things that came to me; it is because I needed to be consoled by my Creator, I cry to Him because that is the moment I can totally be vulnerable. 

One thing you should know about me, I do not like to feel weak. So in front of people I can be as lively and chirpy as I can, but that doesn't mean that I am fake. It's no good to dwell and affect the people around me so yes, I can be that un-selfish. 

But of course, those sticks and stones, and sometimes, boulders, that were thrown at me, time after time, left me with such thick scars that they stop me from feeling sad for anything lower than that. Call me a jerk but when you have faced a greater trial, you wouldn't even cringe at a lesser one. For example, would you be grieved over being hit by a stone once in the past when you are now suffering because an entire building just decided to crash and fall while you're in it? Of course not. 

But then like the crash, the most important thing is that you're still alive. I think I should be glad that I get to feel sad at all because that's just an indication that I am still breathing since I can still feel pain. 

One thing for sure, I still wonder why people would want to read my blog. I think I was more 'angelic' back in the early days of blogging and all I wrote seems enlightening. But now all I do is write crappy entries. 




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