So you're asking me, why am I a Muslim?

Since I am always asked this question, so I tell myself, instead of replying the same thing, to each and every one of them, why not write about it? Oh and yes, I know that I have written about  it in Malay(more like, in terrible Malay) at my Siapa Tuhan Saya? links, but this is more of adding bits and pieces that I chose to hide for the sake of general viewing. 

But then again, I realized this time I am going to be real honest, and when I say honest, I mean brutally honest about myself, regarding the aforementioned frequently asked question.

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So, why and how I come to the decision of becoming a Muslim?

You see, I am born to a Christian Catholic family so I was required to follow the religion, whether how illogical, no matter how it does not make any sense to me. 

I will not compare because back then, I have zilch knowledge of comparative religion study so I will just tell you what I think about before. 

Since I was young, I have this idea embedded in my head, only God knows how on Earth that happened, that God should be unique and the only Higher power there is, despite me being told that I have to believe in the trinity concept. 

Back then, I don't even know the word 'trinity'. I just think that it is logical that God shouldn't be more than one. That's it. 

No supernatural occurrences,  no weird dreams like that one guy who claimed to have heard the adhan in his dream that causes him to convert. 

I also don't get to hop from one religion to another like some of my fellow reverts did before they realized that Islam is the way to go. 

Or I was not an ex-priestess who found Islam through a lot of interfaith dialogues and reading. 

I never even read the Quran before I become a Muslim.

I am none of that. I am just a plain girl, ignorant as hell to the world, minding my own business, who happens to be born to a Christian family.

All I know is that, Muslims have to cover their awrahs and they have to pray 5 times a day. And their church is the mosque. 

So with me, God has no plans to make me return to His deen by any of those supernatural methods, nor did He gave me an amazing story to tell. 

Instead, He chose to give me loneliness. A pathetic reason but amazingly, it actually contributes a lot to my decision of becoming a Muslim.

Since I was young, I was always a loner because my parents won't let me befriend those who got lower grades than me. So being always at the top, I have only a few people who I can consider to be candidates to be friend with, and all of them, aren't really my type of crowd.

So when I went to boarding school, I was so used to having things my way that I fail to call anyone my closest friend. Even if I had one, I would try my best to keep them no matter what because like I said, I was lonely. 

It became worst when I was back-stabbed by my so-called best friend back then and I turned away from the society, making myself socially awkward but blissful in my solitude. 

My loneliness got worst when I entered college for my A-Levels and there, I met a guy and I fell for him when he told me that I was beautiful because I never thought I would hear that ever. Pathetic aren't I?

If the time machine existed, I would have traveled back to my younger days just to give myself a slap(or a  lot of beating) because honestly, I was that embarrassing, even to me.

Well, that was the old me. I was too naive.

So I got my heart broken and I searched for something that would fill my empty heart. The void in my heart felt so vacant that I felt I just had to fill it with something. 

And that's where Islam comes in. 

At my weakest and most defeated moment, heartbroken and neglected, ostracized and unneeded, Islam appeals to me as an escape for my misery with all the promises that I feel Islam can fulfill. 

Islam told me that I have a purpose, and I am needed in this world. 

Islam tells me that even when everyone seems to shut me out, Allah is always there watching me.

Islam stands up for me, giving me protection through my wearing the hijab, giving me strength I never thought I had.

Islam erases my doubt of everything and the system puts everything in the right places, even offering me a place in the world I thought I never have.

Islam tells me that Allah will not look at my appearance and lack of beauty but He will only look at my imaan and taqwa. 

Islam gives me strength to make choices that defies the logic and norm. 

Ironically, Islam makes me want to love my parents even though they were the ones who introduced me to my first 'attack' of loneliness since I was born. 

Looking at all those things that happened to me after I become a Muslim, I never thought of returning to the person that I was and I never regretted the decision I made back when I was 18.

Because, when I found Islam, I found a better version of me I never thought existed and that's already more than what I asked for.

When most of the people I know was born as a Muslim by chance, I am glad that I get to have that same opportunity even though I was 18 years late.

And most of all, I am glad I was lonely and pathetic.

If not, I would not have found Him.

Alhamdulillah.

"Sometimes we can't just say "Allah has a better plan for us." 

We have to believe He does."